Anxiety and so much more

Would they miss me? Part 4

I'm overwhelmed lately so I'm writing how I feel... I don't mean to get anyone upset or anything but this part of this book thing might be kinda filled with a lot of my thoughts right now and thoughts that aren't all happy, this part is just going to be full of depressing stuff or how I feel I guess.

I go to therapy and I go to therapy because of my anxiety which seems to have been getting worse, and I want to say this because I don't want this book to be depressing and that's it, I want this book to show what it's like and that people with depression or anxiety can have happy days as well if that person has help or something that helps them get through it.

Where all of this started was when I was getting a drive home from my oldest brothers friend, there was me, my brother and then my brothers friend who I am going to call Ash for now.

When we were almost home something came up about my dad, I now know what happend and why my oldest brother doesn't like my dad, but at the time I didn't know why my brother hated him, so I'm not sure what was said but someone in the car said something that may have been along the lines of "why did your family move here?" or something like that, but what matters is what my brother said "Her dad is the reason we moved here" and he said that in a very hateful way and I really didn't know why.

I'm fine if he hates my dad but I was upset that the first thing that was said about my real dad was not said by me and also made him sound like a really bad person.

I don't want to be shown as "the girl with the fucked up dad" or "the girl without a dad" or anything like that.

I got really upset about this and when I got home I didn't say much other than thank you to Ash who drove me home, then walked inside ate and went to bed.

the next week I was still thinking about it but I had an early birthday thing at a fancy hotel with my mom, then I had a con to go to so I tried to not think about it or at least try and not obsess over it like I had the rest of that week.

 For the time at the hotel I was fine and had fun.

But when I went to the con, at the end of the day before we go to bed we have worship.

At worship someone asked a question for everyone and that question was "do you regret anything in your life?"when they said that I broke down and started crying because the first thing I thought was "I regret not having a better relationship with my father".

I'm sad that was the first thing I thought of and I know that what I should have done before I went to the con was talk to my mom about how I felt and that I wanted to know why my brother hates my dad, but I didn't do that.

No one saw me crying, or at least no one said anything about it.

The next day was very overwhelming and I took a lot of rescue remedy, and probably to much rescue remedy but it helped a bit.

At a certain point I couldn't handle it and asked if I could go outside and take a break from everything, when I got outside I just cried and cried and cried, and when I got inside only one person asked anything, and what they asked was "do you want me to get you someone to talk to?".

I was happy someone said that, because right at that moment I really felt like I didn't matter.

And I know this might not matter to some but the day my mom dropped me off at the con she said to me that my aunt was very upset that I was mad at her.

When my mom told me that it was pretty much the tipping point for me, I didn't want what I do to matter to my aunt but I also did want it to matter and I was confused and I didn't understand why it mattered if I was mad or not.

About 6 months before the con my aunt had gotten an abortion, and I was pretty upset because it was made into a big thing and  I didn't know what I was supposed to feel, I felt mad, anger, sadness and hatred, I felt hatred because I was mad, upset and angry, because I never feel that way, or at least not often and it was annoying to feel all thoughs emotions as well as be sad that everyone was so upset with my aunt.

My mom always says that I'm a lot like my aunt, and I didn't really care when she first said that but after my aunt getting that abortion I hated it when my mom said "your a lot like your aunt" I hated it a lot but I never really said anything.

But when she was dropping me off at the con and she said that my aunt was sad that I was mad at her and I asked "why would she be sad" I wasn't expecting my mom to say "Because you're a lot like each other" and what I also think is a part of it is I have  never gotten so angry at anyone in my family before or at least not as angry as I was, I was shocked when her said that and I was really confused.

On the second day of con I asked my mom to pick me up at around 5pm, when she got there we went to my grandmas and ate dinner and then went out to go see one of my moms friends.

On the way there something was said about my dad by me or my mom and I ended up telling my mom that I was angry at my older brother, she asked why and I told her what happend while crying my eyes out.

After that my mom and I talked about why he didn't like my dad and how my dad called the police and said my mom was literally crazy and the police ended up coming and taking my mom to the Psyche ward and checking if she really was crazy, during this my 2 oldest brothers were with a family friend and my oldest brother ended up getting spanked and that hadn't ever happend to him before and he ended up blaming my dad for it.

In the end my mom was released and after getting many calls from my father about how he would 'take me away from her after I was born' she ended up moving to the next city over.

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(oh yay it looks like the years starting off perfectly. I ended up writing this like 2 months ago but I didn't finish it so I wanted to finish it, anywho I'm saying this because I'm feeling a lot better now so yeah.

Happy new year and I hope you all have a wonderful day!)