Anxiety and so much more

depression Part 3

My next years of school I was getting more anxious and slowly getting overwhelmed.

She (my mom) had dealt with her 2 oldest boys with autism but with her third child's anxiety she didn't really know what to do other than to let her know that she was ALWAYS there for her no matter what, which would be known in the future that it had help her child much more than expected.

 I know that when you are a child you feel that you can't talk to your parents, but I think it depends on who your parents are and if you feel that you have to tell someone about it and you know that know one else will understand, but for me I always felt I couldn't talk to friends since they didn't agree with me or they didn't understand so my parents were the only people I could really talk to.

But some things are very hard to talk about for me, like talking about how you watched your own brother be beaten to a pulp in front of you and have blackish purple marks showing up on his body as you walked your own brother home in a sad silence and then having to look at your own parents watch you come home with you slowly walking in with tears streaming down your face and looking behind you to finally remember your best friend was there to watch and have to tell them to go as your older brother walks in with a black eye, bruises and cuts all over his body.

"I'm sorry." was all I could possible say to my mother as she gave me a hug, what WAS I supposed to do? Say I tried my best, because I sure didn't feel like I tried me best to help or anything other than watch and run over to 'try' and help, but that doesn't seem like a good thing to say when your own mother in looking at you for an answer as to why this happend to her child.

My brother finally told what happend and we went to the principle, but then I HAD to be brang back into it and was asked who did it and what they were wearing. 

How do I answer that?!

I didn't know what to say, HOW do I answer that? I just watched my big brother get beaten because he refused to kiss there asses and do there homework or stop saying they were stupid for trying to beat up his only friend, so how am I supposed to remember the colour of there god damn shirt?!

The principle ended up doing nothing and we finally went to other places to try and get something done, but in the end nothing happend, "nothing ever happens to the bad guy in real life, if it's a rapist or if it's a bully, nothing ever happens so why even try?" I told myself over and over again after that day.

______________________________________

After that me and my friend were on the playground the next day and as well with another friend of hers.

When Ashley (my best friend at the time) had gone to the bathroom or something her friend Diana said to me that she hated me and didn't even know why I had Ashley as a friend since I was so pathetic.

After that me and Ashley grew apart and I had more self doubt than I had before and it got even harder to talk to people than it was before.

I sometimes wish I said something to her or had told Ashley or SOMETHING....but if I had I know I probable would still be friends with Ashley and be a different person than I am today and I know this might get old but everything that happend to me makes me the person that I am today even if I don't like what happend I can never fix that and I always try to remember that even if it hurts sometimes, but a lot of the time it helps to know that I can't change what has happend and because of those things happening to me I am who I am even if that sounds weird it's what I like to tell myself and it helps me feel good about my past even if I didn't do the right thing.

_______________________

After grade one I went to a different school and made new friends and I was accepted and my brother was getting help, and I was happy for the most part, but I had a hard time reading and I got overwhelmed easy by trying to read and when I was reading I would sometimes break down, witch didn't help at all.

I got through reading in grade three and had a nice friend group witch was the boys in the class and one girl and her name will be Rebecca, and Rebecca helped me if I was stressed and would talk to me even if I was a anti-social child who got overwhelmed, but even if I wasn't normal she accepted me and she's the reason I had the friends I had, because she was the social butterfly and she was my first friend, she made me become friends with everyone, even the popular kids.

But I always fit in better with the boys, so after Rebecca showed me the group of boys witch consisted of the class clown, the bad boy and the calm anti-social big brother of the class clown, I became good friends with these people and Rebecca and me joined this group together, and I only really realized this now, but she gave up a lot for me and if I hadn't had her there I would have been a laughing stock.

In the years I was in this third school I had peed my pants in class and been nerdy and I had shown how dirty minded I was (dirty minded for a third grader), I'm surprised I even had the friends I did.

But in forth grade I went into homeschooling mid year after I had gotten to overwhelmed and gone to the school counselor every three days and nothing was helping and I just couldn't handle it, so my mom home schooled me.

Home schooling was fun, but I missed my friends and I didn't have anyones number other than Rebecca's and we barley even talked anymore after I left.

In fifth grade I went into a type of hippy school and I made new friends who liked who I was and didn't even care if I got overwhelmed and they treated me like a person and not some person who was good friends with there friend so they put up with me, but real friends who stood up for me.

This school fit me well, or at least it fit my family well since  they were teaching us that being gay is okay and that there are different types of ways to deal with different things and there was never anything that told you there was one answer (except in math), it was perfect in many ways, and I met people who had had the same teacher as I had in french schooling and had some nervous ticks that I did too.

In that year I got a 'boyfriends' and I also got my period, and I understand "periods are GROSS" and other stuff like that, but in my family it was seen as a normal thing that you shouldn't be grossed out by but it's not like my mom said I should tell the world or anything, she just said that I could tell her when I do get it and she would help out.

When I did get my period I didn't really care at all and I simple asked my mom for us to get pads and we did and I was fine and then it was done.

With the 'boyfriend' part of that year it was a bit odd but I understood that it wasn't a REAL relationship and he just liked me and I liked him and we both new and it ended up that he sometimes put his arm around me when I was reading or when we were talking, and at some point one of the second graders asked if we were dating, I remember being speechless and not knowing what to say and then he said yes and I kinda just sat there and watched as we became the talk around school for a week and then we 'broke up' after a month of 'dating'.

In that year I also ended up beating someone up witch I am still ashamed of to think of and I cringe everything I think of it and I hate what I did so much but what happend was, when I was going out of the washroom one of my friends thought it was a wonderful idea to scar me and at the time I didn't know I kinda lashed out when people did this, and when he jumped out I ended up slapping him and kicking him a bit, but the part that I haven't told anyone is I liked hitting him, it was nice, it was like a evil sadistic nice feeling and I HATE it that I felt that way, I ended up apologizing and three years later I finally told someone what happend but left out the part of me liking it, I wish I didn't do it or even just didn't like it and didn't enjoy it but I can't change who I am, and I hate that I can't change that.

------------------------------------

------------------------------------

I hope the few people who read this liked it, 

it  was hard to write about what happend so long ago so yeah 

but anyways thanks for reading I hope you enjoyed and I'll see you later!