Anxiety and so much more

Moving.... Part 5

I just recently moved.... well that's a lie I moved about 3 or 4 months ago and it's been really annoying in some ways but in others really nice! 

Like for example I'm happy I live closer to one of my brothers, I'm happy I was able to volunteer for this thing that I really liked and I'm that me and my family live in a better area!

And my mom and step dad are really happy with all of it. 

My step dads happy because he has a job that he loves!

My moms happy because she's close to family and she hated our old city!

And I love it here.... in some ways, but in other ways I really don't.

For one I live very close to my father now... which is a bit nerve racking.

I also have trouble making friends because of my anxiety and because I'm home schooled so I haven't made any new friends that live here.

And the friends that I do have here is one person and he's a... how should I put this... a very disrespectful person.

But watching my family be so happy makes me happy, like watching my second brother make and tend to a garden in our back yard!

And I've been able to see my friends thank god and I've been seeing them almost every 2 weeks which is almost always the highlight of my month and/or week!

My third brother doesn't see eye to eye with me about our dad... which is difficult to deal with seeing as he has made me see my father and my father wants to start being a part of my life after so long without giving a damn for.... all of my life and now he is trying to be part of my life and he has been calling people and asking "how do I make my daughter not hate me?".

...I would have been happy if he was trying to get back in touch with me because he finally understands that he should be a father and not some f***er who doesn't even call me, but no he's doing it because when he was my age he tried to kill himself, I understand but it pisses me off that he only cares about me now and he's going to stop caring later.

I think I'm just being blinded by my own well I don't want to say hatred but it's the best way to say it, I think this because when he says something that I disagree with I just shut out everything he says for the rest of the time we are together and I give him cr*p for only caring about me now but my mom couldn't take care of my for a little while when I was around 5 because she was abused and tested on by her grandmother when she was that age or at least that's when she remembers it most but I don't give her cr*p for that since I understand and she's been there for me when she can and she tried to take care of me but it was to hard for her.

Anyways I think this is something I need to deal with, I need to try to understand that he had a reason for the things he did and I also need to understand that he's just a bad dad and that is never going to be fixed unless I fix it and I"m putting that on my list for things to do during high school.

1.Get a job

2.Get my drivers license

3.Get my grade 12 

4.Kindle my relationship with my father

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I hope you like this I've been trying to think of what to write and I also forgot I had this to write in or I guess on?

Anyways I'm hoping to try and come to conclusions of what to do with my problems here and not just write about my problems but try to think of ways to fix it and help others fix there problems if this does help them!

but yeah I shall be writing probably soon! (No promises lol)

write to you later all!