cigarette daydreams

/8

The next Saturday, it snowed again. He was shoveling. Karden was annoyed. It was probably because of the snow this time. Lydi, while always on his mind, was, to a lesser extent, familiar.

His mother wanted groceries. She didn't want to drive in the treacherous weather, because what if she got hurt, wouldn't Karden be sad that he hadn't helped her? Good boy, Karden. Go get the groceries. Pretend that our lives weren't shattered and that we're not still trying to pick up the pieces.

So he went. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, and he went.

He had to cross Jasper Bridge.

Why did he have to cross Jasper Bridge?

Lydi was there. She was listening to music. She was sitting in a snowbank, her holey leggings damp with melt. She saw him coming. When he was ten feet away, she flicked a cigarette at him. Out of habit, he snatched it out of the air.

"Time for a daydream?" she asked.

"No. I told you, we're not doing that. I'm not going to talk to you about meaningless shit, and you're not going to pretend that it has value." He grimaced. "I'm getting the groceries."

"I'll come with."

"No."

But she walked beside him anyways. He put the cigarette in his mouth just so he could put his hand back in his pockets. He didn't ask for a light, and she didn't offer one.

After an uncomfortable (at least, it was from his side) silence of more than two minutes down Main Street, he asked, "What are you listening to?"

"Xenophiliac Symphony."

"That sounds . . . interesting."

Her lips quirked. "It is."

Karden didn't ask what she was listening to again. He didn't know that one day he would be viciously dying to know, and would never be able to ask.

They walked into the local grocers. Karden pulled out a list. Lydi grabbed a cart for him and used it like a skateboard.

"You're very cracked, aren't you?" she remarked, after Karden had picked up a mesh bag of oranges. "On the inside?"

He hesitated, eyes flicking to hers, then he shook his head. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes you do. Don't be a liar. Something is broken inside of you. Just like it is in me."

"You're more broken than me." The moment the words passed his lips, he regretted them. Lydi ducked her head and looked at the floor. He stepped forwards, but didn't know what to do. "Look, I didn't mean that - "

"You think you're so high and mighty because you got hurt and you want to be too strong to tell anyone about it, but that's what makes you weak, Karden Ryes, and if you never admit that to yourself, you're going to rust and become a shell of a human and then you'll be ugly inside and out." She looked up at him, an angry scowl on her face. It was such a radical expression for her, he was taken aback.

"But guess what, Karden? The world still won't forget you. No matter how ugly and broken you get, the world won't leave you alone. So stop trying."

She stepped off the shopping cart. It rattled.

Karden was speechless.

That meant he couldn't call out as he left, even though he really really wanted to.

He was sorry.

He wanted a light.

He wanted a cigarette daydream with her.