Always

32

Beyoncé POV

Pregnancy is terrifying. You don't know what's going on with your body. No one tells you what's normal and what's not. And suddenly, no matter how excited and prepared you thought you were, you realise you are totally and completely not ready to be responsible for another human being. Filled with doubt, sure you're making a mistake... and you know what? You might be. No one will tell you that either, But really, parenting isn't for everyone. And even if you once thought it was for you, it might not be. It is entirely possible that you made a mistake. A. Very. Big. Mistake. 

"Shawn we've made a huge mistake!" I yelled in realisation, I bobbed  up and down the room with  only one heel on and the other in my hand waving it around as I spoke, "We can't do this, everyone knows now! They're gonna be asking about names and shit. I don't know! Gosh, we shouldn't have done this, I can't do this! "  Why me? I've had sex twice! Twice in my entire fucking lifetime, I'm 33 years old for goodness sake! Both time I ever had sex, I ended up getting pregnant. Unrealistic, Irresponsible and Idiotic I know but that's what's happened. The story of my life: Sex= Babies! Quite literally. If anyone has ever told you that it's okay to have unprotected sex because you might not get pregnant... they were lying! Lying to you harshly. I don't care about science or statistics, if you have sex you will get pregnant! Simple.  He chuckled a little and sat me down on the bed taking the shoe from my hand and placing it on my foot. 

"Babe, calm down. You've done this before" He kissed my head and I widened my eyes at him, 

"That doesn't help!" I threw my hands up before letting them hit the bed either side of me. Gosh, I don't want to go down to the barbecue. I'm just so tired all of a sudden and I'm glad this is all kicking in after I told him because if I hadn't he'd be confused as to why I can't stay awake. Staying awake. The first trimester, it's not even worth it to try. You will not stay awake. You can't fight it. You can't sleep your way into more energy. The second trimester you won't be able to sleep. You will be full of energy. Anything that can be done, must get done now! Before bed! Who needs sleep! You will feel like a manic on meth. The third trimester you will be motivated but exhausted. You will want to sleep all the time but will not be able to. You will not be able to get comfortable. Once you are comfortable and dozing off, your baby will decide that it's time to throw a uterus rave. That's what I have ahead of me and I know it! "Shawn, let me just stay in bed" I flung my body back on the bed and he pulled me up so I was sitting up again. 

"Bey, come on" He lifted me from the bed and stood me in front of him. 

"But Shawn" I whined. "My vagina is already starting to hurt!" I yelled at him, "Shawn, I'm in labour!" He laughed again and I glanced at him evilly. "It's not funny" I complained, 

"You're 7 weeks pregnant" He pointed out with a straight face, 

"Have you never heard of a premature baby?" I crossed my arms and looked at him as if I was the smartest person in the planet and he just busted out laughing, 

"Not at 7 fucking weeks!" He yelled in reply, 

"Don't yell at me! I'm giving birth!" I shouted back at him. He held his stomach as he hunched over laughing and I just watched him for a while. How rude of him, I'm carrying his big lipped baby and he can't even support me when I need the support. What kind of crazy relationship is this? "Shawn, I think you ought to support me" I bit my lip and he sighed, 

"Babe, you're not giving birth, you'll be fine. Let's go downstairs and join the others" He held me by my shoulders before leaning in and kissing my forehead gently. 

"Fine" I agreed, 

Once we got downstairs I knew straight away that I'd give anything to be in bed right now. There was loud music and food everywhere and people talking with drinks in their hands. So many people. I remember being a child and wishing I could join the party mother had going on downstairs, I assume this is a little bit like those parties. Obviously not as formal as my mothers were but still a large get together with some people talking about work, women talking about their kids, kids talking about whatever it is that kids talk about. It's always the same, 

"Shawn" I whispered, "I don't know all of these people" I told him, he laughed a little and added, 

"Most of the time everyone is a cousin of some sort. I don't even know all of them" He admitted, I laughed too and followed him out into the garden where I saw his mother and her sisters sitting around a table with food on the plates in front of him. "Well I guess that's you then" He smiled at them as they called me over, I kissed his cheek before walking over to the table and seeing him walk off to talk to some guy who looked to be closer to our age than others. 

"Hi, Y'all" I took a seat at the table and a plate was placed in front of me by Gloria who smiled widely, 

"Spit it all out" She said, I looked between them confused and they elaborated, 

"They baby!" They said. I laughed a little and dropped my head in embarrassment, 

"I wish y'all didn't have to find out like that" I admitted, "But yeah, Shawn and I are having a baby" I rested my hand on my stomach when one of the women asked, 

"What do you want, a girl or a boy?" 

"I really don't mind. I mean, I've had one girl already so a boy would be great but in all honesty I just want to have a happy healthy baby" They awed then Viola asked, 

"Thought of any names?" I shook my head and then said, 

"Pixie wanted me to call it Tinkerbell" I laughed. I looked back over at Shawn who seemed to be having a good conversation because he was laughing really hard. 

"You love him?" Gloria asked me, I nodded my head and bit my lip. 

"I do, sometimes I wonder if things had been different, how would we be now? Ya Know?" Gloria nodded her head with a smile. 

"You should stop all that wondering, good things are happening and don't let them pass you by because you're living in your head. It doesn't help anything. Why don't you come and help me with the BBQ?" She stood up from her seat and I shook my head fast, 

"Momma, I can cook but BBQ; now that's a different thing, I tried to BBQ once before and I almost burned the back yard to a crisp" I laughed, 

"Let me tell you a story" She said, "As a man was passing the elephants, he suddenly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg. No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at anytime, break away from their bonds but for some reason, they did not.He saw a trainer nearby and asked why these animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away. "Well," trainer said, "when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them and, at that age, it's enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away. They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free."The man was amazed. These animals could at any time break free from their bonds but because they believed they couldn't, they were stuck right where they were.Like the elephants, how many of us go through life hanging onto a belief that we cannot do something, simply because we failed at it once before?Failure is part of learning; we should never give up." I smiled at her and thought about her words, out of context I could relate to it. I was sure a lot of people could relate to it. Momma Gloria had a way with words and I couldn't help but think about them hours after she had said them. I looked up at her and wondered if she was talking about the BBQ or something else, was there something about me she knew but I didn't? Maybe she's just wise, either way I know she'll make the prefect baby sitter. 

I got up and began to help her with the BBQ when Shawn wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my cheek. "I love you" He whispered. 

"I love you too" I told him. 

I always believed that there was a balance in life, that the bad and the good in one lifetime were perfectly equal and although we might not be able to see it, it always happens. Lord know's there's been a lot of bad but things were starting to feel really good. I sure did like that.