kiss it better ↠ e.g.d

09

"...He holds onto a memory
All it is, is a memory
Hey, hey..."

Ethan wished that he wasn't so trapped; and he wasn't talking about being trapped in jail. He was trapped in his thoughts and that, that was dangerous. Having so much time to think was dangerous; silence kills. Memories break you slowly. 

He shook his head and looked up at the ceiling; life was a nightmare. He had never felt so.. so depressed in his life; Annie had always made him happy. But Annie was gone and nothing would change that; not shooting the guy who killed her anyways, like he wished it had. 

He was alone with his mind and his mind? Well, his mind was pure poison. His mind held all the memories and it kept replaying those memories he had with Annie, both good and bad memories. He remembered the first time they kissed and how fast his heart was beating, when they first said 'I love you", when they met each other's parents, the first time they had sex. God, he wanted to stop remembering. 

He blinked away tears, something he was sure he shouldn't have left at this point, he didn't want to cry anymore. He rubbed his eyes, frustrated. He wanted to sleep.. forever. He wanted the pain and heartache and tears and memories to stop. He hadn't slept well in oh so long and god, he wished to sleep. 

"...He cries
Stay with me until I fall asleep
Stay with me
Stay with me until I fall asleep
Stay with me
Stay with me until I fall asleep
Stay with me
Stay with me until I fall asleep
Stay with me..."

He kept staring at the ceiling, hoping and praying that he may drift off shortly. No luck; 20 minutes later and he was still wide awake, no sign he was going to sleep soon. He kept thinking, that's what kept him awake, and no matter how hard he tried to stop, he couldn't. He kept thinking about the day Annie died especially, at this moment. 

He kept thinking about the look on her face; how her face screamed 'don't let me die'. He wanted that image out of his head but it had been taunting him since. He tugged at his hair when he felt a few tears go down his cheeks.

"...Kiss it all better
I'm not ready to go
It's not your fault love
You didn't know, you didn't know..."

He still wondered why this guy, this stupid, stupid guy, had killed Annie. Annie had never hurt anyone, it wasn't in her nature. How could someone have hurt something so precious, he wondered. He knew that the guy didn't care he killed her; he learned that right before he shot the guy. The look on his face when Ethan asked him why he killed Annie gave it away. The guy didn't care about who he hurt; he was just glad he did it. Why, why, why?? Ethan grabbed his uncomfortable pillow and hugged it, not caring if he was crying or not. He put his head into the pillow, hiding it and murmured softly, 

"God, I miss you" as more tears started to fall. "I miss the nights you would stay over and we'd wake up, you in my arms. I miss playing with your long, soft brown hair. I miss your beautiful eyes and how they gave away your expression. How are you doing up there, my love? I'm not doing so good down here, but I'm sure you knew that. I'm sorry I killed that guy; although, I'm not because he killed you, he had it coming" he paused, sniffling and wiping his eyes. "I fucking miss you" he finished, not knowing what else to say.

He remembered growing up, his mother always said 'talking helps'  but that wasn't the truth. He felt worse talking about it; it made him have to describe everything and he didn't know how. The therapist they made him see asked "how are you feeling today?" and Ethan would often answer, with a small shrug of the shoulders, "I don't know". And he didn't know. He didn't know what he was feeling; he didn't seem to feel anything but an overwhelming sadness. But he kept quiet and stayed trapped in his thoughts.