Kagehina - What love's suppose to feel like

Chapter nineteen - I don't deserve you

TRIGGER WARNING!! MENTIONS OF SELFHARM!!

Hunched over the bathroom sink, Kageyama couldn't stop the tears. What did he do?

What the fuck did he do to deserve this?

He looked at himself in the mirror. Bloodshot eyes and puffy bags under them, disgusting. His snow pale skin felt soft as he swept over his forearm with his long fingers. The razor blade rested against the sink, it waited for him.

No.. no.. he couldn't.

"Kageyama..?" he heard a voice behind him. A familiar one, but he couldn't quite place it, still. Well, it didn't matter, the last thing he wanted right now was company.

"Go. Away." He groaned quietly and clenched his fists.

"Are you alright there?" The womanly voice came closer and Kageyama felt a hand on his shoulder.

"I said go awa-" He turned around violently and saw Kiyoko behind him.

"I know I'm not much of a talker, but, I know what you were about to do" Kiyoko leaned against the wall behind her and crossed her arms.

"No you don't" was all Kageyama could answer and turned back to the sink.

"Look" Kiyoko walked up to him. At first, he rejected her, but then she rolled up the sleeves of her big sweat-shirt. Kageyama closed his eyes at first, but he realized that she wouldn't leave his side and finally turned around.

He saw Kiyoko, her face stone cold as always. She had her arm stretched out in front of him, revealing a pale under-arm full of traces of tiny, red, cuts.

They were just scars now, faded scars. Daily reminders of what once had happened making her feel like the only way to feel less emotional pain, was to feel physical pain

"Oh no.." Kageyama looked at her with shock on his face, she didn't meet his eyes with her own. She looked down at her pale arm and stroked over the cuts gently.

"This was months ago. When I thought Yachi was dating that guy.." She still didn't lift her look from her arm.

"I felt so stupid for doing something like this for another person. I could've done it because my parents fought, or because one of my best friends killed himself, or because I'm too shy to make friends.." Kageyama saw her tearing up, her face still making no expression. But her emotion shone through, her cracking voice gave away as she tried so hard to hold back the tears.

"But no" she said "I did it because I thought that my teenage crush didn't love me back. I can't believe I was so stupid." Kiyoko started crying, putting her hand over her face to try and hide. A loud ugly cry, not like the one you'd expect from a beautiful lady such as Kiyoko.

Kageyama didn't know what to do. He sucked at this.

For a moment he forgot his own problems, he watched her break down in front of him and he actually felt like helping her. But he didn't know how.

He got closer to her and awkwardly patted her shoulder. "There.. there" he said in an attempt to comfort her.

"The thing is, they weren't dating" she tried to contain herself and dried the tears with the back of her hand "She loved me, even back then. Even when she kissed him on truth or dare, even when they spooned, even when they had a sleepover. They were best friends. I should've known. I'm so stupid. So embarrassing." She finally looked up at Kageyama with blood-shot eyes.

She knew.

Kageyama patted her shoulder again and gave her a determined look, he wanted to say thank you but the words didn't come out. He rushed out of the bathroom and all the way back to the nurse's office where Hinata sat and stared at the ground like he just saw a ghost or something, his hand covering his mouth.

He saw Yachi trying to cheer him up. He saw Hinata blowing his nose and sniffling like a little puppy, he was crying. Kenma was nowhere to be seen.

Kageyama burst into the room and met Hinatas remorseful eyes. Flying into his arms and was caught in up the moment and started crying as well.

"I'm..  I'm so sorry" Hinata cried in his chest, not even hugging back. He didn't deserve it.

"It's okay..shhh, it's okay, I'm here.." Kageyama patted his head and hugged him tighter.. he felt Hinatas little heart picking in his little chest and they both hugged each other for minutes...

HI GUYS! Man I'm bad a updating, blame my depression not me! I had to write the most depressing chapter because well, hey I need to get my feelings out somewhere! So there you go an emotion puke in the form of a chapter..what is my life anymore..