Christmas Heartache (Celebration Series 1)

Chapter Seven- Remembering

I was at the door again, the police were there saying something I couldn't hear.   The flashing lights were doing my head in and I couldn't believe he wasn't coming back.  Cam was dead.   He lay in hospital for five days on life support, I stared at him.   He looked perfect,  without a mark.  He had been run off the road  by a drunk driver.  The impact had swelled his brain,  and there was so much internal damage to his body that everything was shutting down. 

He stayed long enough for the children and I to say goodbye.

I would never be able to be the wife to him I had hoped to be and dreamed of when we married.    I was sorry for the hell that had become our life together,  the anger and the arguing tension.  I was able to say that to him,  apologise  for what we had become,  I am sure  he heard me.

In front of me the scene changed to the bedroom.   In my dream I  woke up with a start in a cold sweat.  There right on the bedside table was a picture of Dave and I very much together.  Reaching across to the empty side of the bed my hand felt a piece of paper.  Pushing myself up. It read,  "I can't go on.  What we are together wasn't as strong as I had hoped.  I will collect my things in the morning. '

My tears and grief came from a place deep deep inside.  I thought in the next gulp of sadness I would see blood the pain was so great.  How could he? I think that I love him more than my  own life and breath and he doesn't feel that?

I  lay on my side and Jessie slipped into bed beside me. I could feel her tears wet against my shoulder.  I couldn't think about her grief right now my pain was too  great.  My children grieving for the father figure that Dave had become to them was a pain I couldn't bare.

I glanced over to see Tom standing uncertain in the door way.  There was no way that this or any circumstance would stand between me and my children.  I flicked the blankets down and looked over hoping he would join us. After a heart beat of hesitation he climbed in beside me,  letting me wrap my arms round him. 

They are  my strength and I slowly started to be able to breathe without pain.   My children my life.  I would go on for them,  living,  laughing.  Just no more men.  I ruined it every time and it just hurt too much.

I woke with a start to Jessie's voice, "No way,  Mum come on.  You can't do this.  Falling asleep on the couch..?.. you never sleep well out here,  and you are tired enough at the moment. You would tell us off." Jessie was sitting on the end of the couch eating a slice of toast with marmite spread.  I groaned rolling to sit up. "Here. "

She handed me a cup of tea, knowing that was all I was ever interested in having in the morning.  The vivid dream still had a hold on me.  My stomach was in a nervous knot,  and I knew that  I wouldn't be eating  any breakfast today.

"You want me to put the TV on?  We still have plenty of time before we leave."  I shook my head sitting huddled over my cup and my legs curled up. 

"You OK?" I asked Jessie.  She shrugged in a non-committal way.  Her fingers quickly pressing keys on her phone messaging a friend.

She finished and looked up at me, "How bout you?"  We had been here many times, asking back and forth.  Sometimes I would dodge, or she would, sometimes we would have the courage to say what was on our minds. I took a breath, "I'm sorry Jessie.  For what life was, how I treated your Dad."  Jessie slipped along the couch and snuggled close to my side.  "Mum you have got to stop beating yourself up about it. You can't change it.  I don't understand it but I lived with it.  I miss Dad everyday, and feel sick often about never being able to hang out with him, but you didn't do this to us."