Suicidal tendencies (Joshler) (not edited)

Chapter one - hurt baby bird

"Don't sugarcoat me, 'cause I feel like suicide..."

Josh is hurting. He's hurting both physically and mentally because after attempting suicide for the eighth time he yet again woke up in hospital to yet again explain to his favourite nurse (Charlie), that it was an accident and they don't need to worry about him. He also needed to convince them not to call Tyler, Charlie seemed to understand so they filed the forms for Josh to be released only two days after he awoke. Although, only after Charlie took pride in how lucky Josh was as the miracle that should've been dead and didn't even break a single bone.

He went home to find a furious and crying Tyler who was worried sick as Josh hadn't contacted him in he can't remember how long. Josh had explained that he was in a minor car accident, that he's very sorry he didn't contact Tyler and it won't happen again, that he's very tired and wants to go to sleep.

Now, where were we? Oh, yes, in the present tense Josh is hurting. He's currently laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling at 2am, thoughts cascading down the rivers of his mind and crashing into the walls of his head in a way that causes a painful headache and fresh tears to pour silently out of his eyes. Tyler is next to him, sleeping with a small smile on his face and a not-so-protective arm draped carelessly over Josh's stomach. In most instances, Josh could probably move Tyler's hand (more carefully than you would a glass incrusted with diamonds) in order to go to the bathroom. However, tonight Tyler's hand is curled into the fabric of Josh's long sleeved t-shirt, in an almost grounding manner, that means the sleeping beauty would wake up if movement were attempted.

Not only does this mean Josh is kept away from his harmful metal friends and their oh so addictive habit to let red crimson blood drip out of his wrists, but, it also means that his list of suicidal intentions has had to have been shoved under his pillow case with the intention of hiding it from prying eyes. You see, a sleepy Tyler stumbled into their bedroom, pulled off his shirt and collapsed on their bed about half an hour ago. Josh, being very careless because of how upset the whole hospital ordeal made him, had been writing down notes of his third attempt at jumping off a building in order to end his life and had needed to hide such notes from Tyler as soon as he entered their room. Luckily, Tyler didn't even manage to find his way out of his jeans never mind notice Josh and his miniature panic at Tyler's presence.

Josh almost wishes Tyler would have noticed, wishes he would find the list and read it. Almost wants Tyler to be so upset with him he leaves him - so Josh doesn't have to be faced with the guilt of leaving Tyler when he attempts. He almost wants Tyler to be so angry with him he actually physically hurts him, so he has a reason to kill himself. Tyler would never do anything to harm Josh of course but it's fun to fantasise.

***

Josh, who cried himself to sleep at some point around 2am, wakes up to find Tyler, still half-asleep, has stumbled out of bed and made his way over to the wardrobe in order to change into some new clothes. Josh, being insecure and self-conscious (rightly so with the scars littering his skin) pretends to be asleep until Tyler leaves the room.

After yesterday, Josh is ready to take all precautions and goes to the extent of locking the door after Tyler in order to get dressed (short sleeved NASA t-shirt, black skinny jeans and a hoodie). Unfortunately, this means the lock gets stuck when he tries to leave and he ends up almost walking into the door in his half-dazed state of just-woken-up.

When the injured soldier finally manages to make his way downstairs, he finds Tyler sat at the kitchen table in a circle of pure joy as he sips steaming fruity tea, nibbles on toast in an oh-so-cute way and swings his legs back and forth underneath the table and chair (I'm not sure why, it's not like he can't touch the floor with his skinny long legs). Josh, like a raincloud consumed with both awe and jealousy at the sight of his boyfriend, shuffles over to the fridge and cupboards to get a glass of cloudy apple juice and then back over to sit next to the glowing happiness that is Tyler Joseph.

"Morning love, you feeling better? Do you need anything? Painkillers maybe?" Tyler asks, picking up one of Josh's limp hands to link it with his own on top of the table. His voice is so calming, radiating a welcoming warmth like a mug of hot chocolate in winter and it makes Josh's smile almost real. I say almost because all he seems to be able to think is 'yes, I want painkillers. I want to consume so many I never have to feel pain ever again.'.

"I don't need anything, I feel fine actually." He's lying, it's obvious by the way he avoids eye contact and stutters slightly on some of the words. Tyler doesn't notice, wholly believing the lie - probably because he wants to believe it. Josh doesn't know why he lied to the man who only has good intentions; maybe because he subconsciously (and consciously to an extent) believes he deserves to suffer. With failure constantly ringing in his ear I'm not surprised.

"Good, you're having a lazy day though, just in case." That's perfectly fine, Josh didn't have any plans anyway partly due to a certain list that he is painfully aware isn't in it's normal hiding place and that he is going to have to drag himself upstairs at some point in order to hide. Tyler, unaware of the panic wrapping its hands around Josh's throat, has finished his food, put the cup and plate in the dishwasher and walked (although I could've sworn he skipped) off into he living room. If you were wondering why the happy angel is in the living room it's because he's building a nest of cushions and blankets in the hope that Josh will spend his day as a cute little baby bird snuggled in the comfort of said nest.

Meanwhile, said baby bird has calmed down from his state of high anxiety and left the table to go find Tyler - who promptly takes ahold of Josh's hand and buries him underneath blankets on the sofa as soon as Josh steps foot in the living room. Once Tyler concludes his Josh (who currently looks a little like an overheated burrito) is cozy enough he turns on the Tv and puts the remote about where Josh's hand might be underneath the puddle of person and blanket.

Josh, who is too preoccupied with shuffling around and getting comfortable, barely notices when Tyler says something about going to use the bathroom quickly before coming back down to cuddle with Josh. He is of course oblivious to the fact that Josh (with the necessary hoodie he's wearing and will not be taking off any time soon) feels like he has just been thrown into a volcano and throws two out of his three blankets onto the floor almost as soon as Tyler leaves the room.

If josh were to have listened to what Tyler had said he might have done something other than sit and wait for him to get back. You see, Tyler has to go through the bedroom to get to the bathroom and that may be a little too close to the extremely private note Josh unknowingly knocked onto the floor by the bed this morning. Did you also know Tyler has a curious nature and a habit of picking things like notes up in order to find out what they are - normally they're just shopping lists so it's a relatively innocent habit but one Josh wishes Tyler would break.

1492 words

If you think I'm going to fail creative writing clap your hands *clap clap*.

I don't know why I'm writing this I'm terrible at everything, what am I even doing with my life.

Anyways:

1. This will have slow updates because my life is busy and I'm a mess.

2. It was originally role reversed with Tyler being the suicidal one but Tyler is the victim in the other story I'm half-way through writing so I felt bad. Anyway, if either of the names are backward at any point it would be really helpful if you let me know.

3. Point out any errors.

4. Thanks for reading.

5. Other chapters will probably have more speech than this one.