Suicidal tendencies (Joshler) (not edited)

Chapter three - walking corpses

Happy Halloween!! (If it's not Halloween it's because I started writing on Halloween and didn't finish until how ever long after - probably because I'm lazy).

"If your heart was full of love, could you give it up?"

At some point about five hours after Tyler's outburst Josh fell off the sofa, made his way upstairs in a way I can only compare to a rag doll and into his bedroom before locking the door behind him and collapsing on the bed. That was two days ago. The only reason he's gotten up is to go to the bathroom connected to their bedroom and then back to sulking underneath the covers of his bed. He lays there like he has a constant hangover, but with no headache due to the consumption of bathroom tap water he's just hungover on love - and more hungry than an animal when it's owners forgot to leave food for it before they went on holiday.

Tyler, after using the smaller (but cleaner due to disuse) bathroom inside the guest room (as well as sleeping inside said room), checked up on Josh toward the end of his first day in isolation. I should probably say he didn't handle it quite as you might expect and ended up yelling a little when Josh blatantly refused to unlock the door; which was terrifying for Josh who never thought his ray of sunshine Tyler could even become this angry until a few days ago.

Presently, Tyler is sat downstairs on the sofa, staring in the general direction of the Tv (which is turned off) in a daze - the bags under his eyes tell the tale of how he has not slept at all in the two days without his own bed and the purple hint they have makes them almost seem like bruises. Tyler feels like his might as well have been punched in the face, he thinks he deserves to be injured in some way. Guilt eats away at people in the most awful of ways and it's eating away at Tyler like a vulture pecking at a carcass because he knows that if he hadn't acted on impulse, hadn't handled things like a moody teenager with anger issues who got their phone taken away, he could probably be doing what he should be doing now - comforting Josh, helping him, loving him. Instead, Josh won't even open the damn door. Tyler knows he has already been over something similar to this but it seems guilt only intensifies with time. It also seems the only way Tyler's going to see Josh again is if he waits until Josh has to come down to get something to eat.

***

It's just hit the three day mark of the seeming hunger strike. Tyler didn't bother going upstairs last night, he's not even sure what he did all day, just sat there like a useless, mildly creepy, stare-into-your-soul China doll. He thinks he might have dozed off at some point around 3pm but he was awake again only one restless hour later. Josh is the opposite, he has been asleep most of this time - you don't have conscious thoughts when you're asleep, you don't feel the same type of pain you would in reality when you're asleep. He knows that he's probably just being dramatic once again and hurting himself in this way he currently is was never his intention - Josh would have to be to be the first to admit that he does more harm than good when it comes to taking care of his body but never with starving, he doesn't need another problem.

So, at midnight, after sleeping all day and presuming Tyler would be asleep right now (it's pathetic really, the lengths he's going to to avoid his boyfriend like he's the human embodiment of the plague), Josh creeps downstairs and toward the kitchen, wincing every time the floorboards creak and groan underneath his weight. Everything is eerily silent, like the home is a graveyard and Josh is the corpse banging against creaking wood in order escape his coffin.

Only, Josh doesn't manage to get to the fridge before he notices the living room light is on and, in his opinion against his better judgement, he goes to see if Tyler is still awake. Which he is, at least Josh presumes he is, people don't normally sleep sat up, but it's strange, like his body is there, but not his mind. So Josh walks around the sofa to stand in front of Tyler, who's eyes snap up to meet Josh's in a distant, almost vicious manner. Still, other than that he doesn't acknowledge Josh's existence, just stays sat, swaying slightly like he's about to pass out and Josh considers waving a hand in front of his face in order to see if he reacts.

"Sorry." It's all Josh can seem to manage to choke out and in all honesty in the past few days it's what he'd envisioned Tyler would say to him not vice versa. He twists his hands nervously, avoiding eye contact with Tyler, who seems devoid of emotion as Josh cannot see the thoughts rushing through his head faster than a crashing plane. He's thinking, "how can I respond? How should I respond? Am I allowed to hug him, kiss him, smile, laugh, cry? I'm tired. Should I apologise to him?" In most instances, as you have seen, Tyler does nothing but think, think too much about nothing while doing nothing - it seems he's only one to act on impulse at the wrong moments. But he cannot let Josh lock himself away again. So, leaning back on the sofa with pure exhaustion, he almost drifts off to sleep, muttering out a croaky reply with a voice sounding like he has swallowed mass amounts of salt water - or maybe salty tears (Tyler wants to cry at this moment, he just can't seem to be able).

"I'm sorry too."

1009 words

Sorry this was worse usual and took a while I've been having a rough week.

I haven't even read through this so please point out mistakes.