Suicidal tendencies (Joshler) (not edited)

Chapter five - thoughts of an addict

I have writers block

This needs more of a trigger warning than usual

"I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life..."

It has been two months and Tyler hasn't let josh out of his sight - its almost tedious, josh thinks, if that is even the right word. It's almost tiring because, sure, Josh loves spending time with Tyler and craves his attention like an addict craves heroine, but, he won't let him be his own person - sometimes Josh is surprised Tyler lets him use the bathroom by himself. 

He of course does realise that all of this is only with the best intentions, that Tyler is just doing all he can to help (even though Tyler might has well have his hands wrapped around his throat as he's seemingly suffocating poor Josh). Still, all Josh seems to be able to feel is loneliness, freezing cold loneliness that seems to be turning his heart to ice and smashing the pieces. He has to constantly remind himself that no, I can't kill myself, I can't do that to Tyler; and, it seems so hopeless the words eventually morph into the ugly version of no, I can't kill myself yet, not while Tyler's here. Given his suicidal tendencies is it really that surprising that kisses from a loved one cannot heal the kisses of a blade and disrupt the pattern of negative thoughts?

Much to Josh's relief, Tyler eventually has to leave (they're running out of food and he'll be damned if he lets Josh leave the house before he's feeling so utterly better that it was like he was never sad in the first place - Tyler's naive for thinking this could happen). As soon as the sound of a door slam echoes throughout their home Josh pushes the dirt coloured blankets (Tyler buried him in said blankets before he left) and stands up from the sofa as if he were escaping his grave... or rather in this circumstance the lost cause is  more likely to be going to his grave.

He smiles as wide as a madman and almost skips down the hallway and upstairs to the bathroom - this truly paints the picture of a man with a broken brain and broken life. He's full of glee because Tyler was stupid, ever so stupid to not check the bathroom for razor blades and josh finds and cradles the metal like a rose. Like a crimson red rose that matches the blood Josh finds pouring out of both his forearms in a painless vertical lines before he even thinks about the consequences because, he only has about twenty minutes, Tyler will be back in twenty minutes. He realises, that this time he will have to re-start his list and finds himself giggling, smearing blood on the white tiled floor as his vision fades and limbs turn weak and useless.

Truly the acts of an addict, truly an addiction he cannot overcome.

499 words.

This part was really short oops.