Suicidal tendencies (Joshler) (not edited)

Chapter four - postpone the inevitable

"I really wish that you could help but my head is like a carousel and I'm going round in circles..."

Josh stands in front of Tyler in an unsteady, almost awestruck way. His mouth hangs open slightly as if he had a broken jaw and it seems all he can bring himself to do it stare at Tyler. Tyler, who is sat with his head lolled backward on the sofa like the broken branch on a tree, who's breaths are slow and even like that of a person using up their last moments in hospital, who's hands are twisted in a fracturing knot on his lap and bruise like bags under his eyes make Josh almost feel a twinge of sympathy. Who also  just apologised and dozed off like a toddler who's exhausted all their energy due to missing nap time.

Josh has so many things he wants to tell Tyler, things he wants to yell at Tyler until his lungs burst, he pukes up his organs and his voice contorts into an ashy, hoarse groan. But, how could he disturb the sleep of someone who resembles a gravely wounded soldier? Besides, even if Tyler was awake the man himself has already proved that raising your voice to someone in their weakest state only causes the shouter to morph into something terrifying in the most indescribable way and the one receiving these vicious emotional stabs to look like Bambi when his mother died.

So, Josh, having not forgotten what he initially planned to do, slowly makes his way back into the kitchen - being careful not to wake Tyler up. He has to convince himself that he's just being caring, looking out for Tyler and his health like he should; he's not scared about what he will say when he's awake, he's not attempting to postpone anything, no, not at all.

***

Tyler wakes up with such a headache an elephant might have well as stomped on his head - his mind is scattered as he drearily lifts up his right arm to rub the sleep away from his eyes. He attempts to pick up his thoughts but they're muddled and jumbled so much he can only seem to focus on one thing, "where is josh?". So, with worry clouding his thoughts like fog he stumbles about, glaring at various objects when he knocks into them. Josh, who can hear the commotion from the kitchen (Tyler's only been asleep for a half hour), sighs, walking into the living room to find the dead-inside zombie Tyler staring at the coffee table like it just insulted him.

He walks to go stand in front of Tyler, gently grabbing his wrist and dragging him to sit down next to him on the sofa, by now Tyler's almost fully awake, and is staring at Josh without even knowing what to say. What would you even say? How are you supposed to react? How is a person even supposed the grasp the fact that it seems every time you leave Josh alone for five minutes they try to end their life? And fail, might I add, because Josh is still sat there, he is of course stained with bruises and scars like blood stains a white t-shirt but alive as anyone with depression can be.

"You weren't in a car accident were you?" Tyler asks, voice shaking slightly despite the fact that he's trying so hard not to let it. So as Josh avoids eye contact Tyler's gaze drifts down to his sleeves and an idea dawns on him that feels like Josh just stood up and shot him in the head, because, why is it that Josh always wears long sleeves? Why is it that Josh has been in so many accidents? Why and how is it that it is even possible for Josh to hide this from Tyler? Tyler, who has showed him nothing but love toward Josh (excluding the last few days)... who knew that when they say love is blind it can be a blindness to how indescribably unhappy the partner is.

"No I wasn't." Josh is seemingly better at hiding his emotions at this moment than Tyler is and the words come out careless and dry, as if he doesn't care about how upset the whole ordeal is - truthfully, he doesn't particularly care about himself but Tyler, with his wide tear filled eyes, shaky hands and blush red cheeks, he cares about more than he could ever say.

"Why didn't you say anything?" The next question is a rather stupid one and Tyler knows that. Josh probably didn't tell him because he was worried that Tyler would react in a negative way - which Tyler only proved right.

"I don't know." Tyler can't help but feel a mild anger overtake his mind and features when Josh says those words because, that's what he said last time and, they both know that's just about as true as Josh saying "I never attempted suicide.". Tyler swallows the anger with the choking lump in his throat and lets out a shaky breath, trying not to let any emotions consume him because emotions are like water and Tyler cannot let himself drown again.

"How can I help you?" Maybe the most important question.

"You can't." Maybe the most devastating answer.

929 words.

So little is happening in this story it's making me sad, I'm going to have to put some drama in before I die of boredom. So I'm gonna add in something dramatic very soon, but I don't know how dramatic to make it.