Terrible Habits

Do Overs and More Overs.

Lenny

I check the sliding glass door and to my surprise, it opens with ease. I know that Hadley has to be off at a brunch or benefit because usually she is gone on Saturdays. I carefully slide the glass door to the patio close behind me. I had the cab that Luke ordered me this morning drop me off a block away so that they wouldn't know that I was here, that is if anyone was home, which they aren't. I slip into the immaculate and pristine white kitchen. I kind of wish that it was raining, then I could track my dirty shoes all over their marble tile. I never like when things are too clean, when things are too perfect.

My eyes catch a glimpse of the check on the counter next to Hadley's planner. I snatch it and tuck it into my purse before deciding to head upstairs to the guest room that I occasionally frequent. At least I have clothes left over here. There is no chance that I am going to return to my "home" after my altercation with my mother yesterday. I am sure that she is gone by now, but still, it isn't worth the risk.

"Eleanor?" I hear a deep voice behind me and I turn to see Marcus leaning against the railing on the master staircase.

"Yeah," I respond flatly.

"What are you doing here?" He takes a few steps up the stairs.

"Hadley said I could stop by," I lie easily, Marcus didn't scare me, not anymore. Because I know his secret and I hang it over his head ever time he tries to intimidate me, intimidate anyone.

I look at him and I can't see the golden boy that everyone sees or the heir to millions that Hadley will marry. I see him for what he truly is and I will never be able to see around that.

"I can see myself out, thanks," I say and glare at him.

I can tell he wants to say something, his jaw clenches and then he turns towards the living room. I stand there a few more moments and I can feel the sadness in me again, the reminder when I see him, when I see Hadley, anyone in my family.

I run up the stairs, taking two at a time and I open the door to the guest room, throwing open every drawer that I can find because I know that Hadley still has a stash. I disperse all the contents from the desk on the floor, rifling through old papers and books that Hadley had in the drawers. I run my hands through my hair and I rush to the bathroom, I open the bottom cabinet drawer and pull out the old kleenex box in the back, where Marcus would never look. I feel myself relax when I spot the bottle. I pop the tab and toss two back. I lean against the toilet and shut the door to the bathroom with my foot. The cold tile feels good against my skin and it only takes a few minutes for my heart rate to slow down. I lay on the floor there a little bit longer until I think I am strong enough to stand, until I don't have to think anymore.

I suck in a deep breath and push myself up. I can already feel my muscles relaxing as I go back into the bedroom and I begin stuffing clothes into every compartment that they can fit. I can barely find the strength to pull myself up onto the bed. I know that with Marcus home, he won't push me out the door to leave. My guess is he is going to have "the guys" over for one of the games on TV and hopefully I will be gone by then.

I always have a way of taking the best things in life and ruining them. I know myself well enough to know that I get bored easily. First I got bored with my millions so I started drinking, then I got bored with drinking, so I turned to drugs. This is a fad. Right now I am living the life of some poor girl who is going to turn her rags back into riches. It is temporary, just like my happiness.

The happiness I felt this morning with Luke was fleeting. It wouldn't last, I know myself better than that to take it for granted. But maybe if I keep busy, it wont get that bad. I used to have too much free time on my hands, maybe once I get a job, it won't be like that.

I tuck myself underneath the clean, white sheets of the guest bed. I still have a few hours before Hadley is due back, just a few hours of sleep won't do anyone any harm....