Yours, Eternally(2015 Revision)

Chapter Twenty-One

Part III: September

As the first week in September came to a close, my extended work leave was coming to expiration. I didn't use the excuse from Dr. Lornez, but James was willing to give me the extra time. I decided to speak to James and about giving up the career that I'd sacrificed everything for. I couldn't bear staying there with all the memories that came with it, and I needed to evaluate my life and make change. 

I hadn't had anymore crazy dreams or even seen Abigail since, and everything seemed to be getting back to normal. I tried to put everything from my mind, but, of course, never forgetting Matt. There were a few times I would look into a crowd and swear I saw him. When I would trail behind, the person would turn around, clearly not being Matt. If I happened to see a dark featured male, I would

compared their smile to his and, of, course, I still had many moments where I would have a thought and cry, but I was not as bad as I had been.

My small family managed to make the most out of the remainder of the summer and rented a house at the Jersey Shore for two weeks and enjoyed life by the ocean. Many of those days were spent in the sun splashing and swimming in the sea water, walking the boardwalk, and watching the sunset on the beach with drinks, while the couple rainy days there were, we drove into Atlantic City for some gambling or shopping. It was a simple vacation, but it was just what I needed. Tyler even met a girl named Sarah at one of the clubs on the boardwalk. She happened to live with her parents a half hour from where we were in Lambertville, but her family owned a summer home on the water at the opposite end from where our rental was. Ty and Sarah hung out almost night and she often joined us for dinner or on our shore outings.

When we came home from the shore, Vicky greeted us, as we pulled into the driveway and she helped us unload our bags. While we were away, Vicky volunteered to keep an eye on my townhouse, and I allowed her to stay a few nights if she wanted to. She even tidied up, dusting, vacuuming and even throwing away all of my baking accessories. When I discovered that she did that, Vicky sneered, “No more of this crap, Addison. You're going to get fat.” Her friendship was a breath of fresh air since Matt's death. We went shopping, to dinners at many places she often at at, and we gossiped like high school girls when she stayed over on weekends. She was still a bit of a wild child, but her act calmed down once our relationship blossomed. She had been very supportive of me and I even felt comfortable letting her into my life and telling her everything that I've experienced. She, like Matt, was a little taken back by some of my...interests with the macabre, for lack of better terminology, but was still accepting, and sometimes would joke and ask me if I could see a handsome, rich man in her future.

Vicky also shared the same worries with Kylie about leaving me alone when they had to go back up to school for the new semester. Tyler usually just lets things come as they happened and usually just stayed quiet, while lately, Kylie was more suffocating than a overbearing mother. Especially when it came to me. Her and Tyler were due back to the Penn State campus at the end of August, but Kylie voiced her thoughts about transferring out to a community college at night and working during the day.

“Oh, no you aren't!” I told her. “You are going back and finishing, you know the deal. I don't know how many times I have to tell you that things are fine! Just like before everything.” It seemed that I had to keep explaining myself to everyone. I needed them all out and away, because ultimately, they were going to drive me crazy.

What I didn't tell anyone is that I was quitting my job. On August 21, the day after Kylie and Tyler left for school, I drove into Philadelphia rehearsing what I would say to James. I knew he would be understanding, but still I felt I needed to justify my decision. As I pulled into the parking garage and shut the car down, I felt confident, but nervous about the speech I was about to give and went to a place where I felt I could calm myself. I stood in the place on the patio where Matt and I once stood together on that day in May, conjuring every memory, replaying every scene, word spoken. It seemed like a lifetime ago. As I stared out, my mind flooded with the mental pictures and my eyes flooded with tears. I still held onto tremendous guilt and regret. How could I let him go like I did? Matt was the epitome of everything I could have ever wanted in my own life, teaching me and opening my eyes to things I was so close-minded about. He gave me the confidence I never had before. He was the air I breathed, the brightest star in the sky, the wind that blew through my hair, and now, he was gone forever. The hopelessness of never finding that happiness again wretched my heart from my chest.