Eight Dollars (Trixya)

Night 8

After we returned from the show, Brian seemed subdued. As soon as we got to the bus, he went through his usual de-dragging process, leaving me slightly nervously scrolling through Twitter in the lounge area. He came to find me after a while, back in his usual comfy lounge clothes.

"Brian? Can we... Can we maybe.... Talk?" he asked, brown eyes boring into me with a seriousness that I'd never seen before, which threw me, because I thought I'd seen every side of him in our years as friends.

"Yeah, of course," I nodded at him, expecting him to take a seat next to me as he normally would.

"Um," he looked around the bus, as if he was worried that someone might spring out at any second, which in all reality, they might. "Outside?"

I nodded and gestured for him to lead the way. I pulled on my hoodie before following him off the bus, the anxiety I'd been fighting off all day building up in my chest. I was bracing myself for the worst. A part of me was screaming that I'd ruined everything, but I couldn't even be certain he'd realised what I was doing. He could want to talk about anything, but deep down I knew what he wanted to discuss.

He came to a stop by the grassy verge the van was parked not too far from, sitting down under a glowing streetlamp. Cautiously, I sat down on the cold ground next to him, leaving a space between us that wasn't normally there. There was a moment of silence, and if not for the gnawing anxiety inside my chest, it might have been peaceful, just me and him out in the dark.

"I figured it out yesterday," Brian said, looking straight ahead, utterly unaware of how devastatingly beautiful the light from above made him look.

"I was counting things out in my head, overthinking, I guess, and it just sort of... Clicked. That was what you were doing, right?" He glanced at me. Even though he was using vague terms, I knew exactly what he meant, but I made no move to confirm or deny. I was silent, fear catching my tongue.

"I'd half forgotten what I'd said before, and... I was joking, you know?" He looked at me, his eyes big enough to get lost in.

He was joking. I tried not to let my breathing speed up to match my pounding heart. It was a joke. He didn't really want me, or us, or any of that. A joke. Something for the fans to laugh at, obsess over. He didn't mean it. He didn't want me. Fuck.

God, I knew I was an idiot, but this topped it all.

Brian was watching me intently, judging my reaction. I couldn't quite bear to look at him, staring off at a light further down the road. I felt utterly humiliated, and wanted nothing more than to run off into the pitch black and never see him again.

"I don't want your money, Brian." He almost whispered.

I'd got that, I wanted to retort back, but the heavy feeling in my chest had jammed my mouth shut. Everything in this stupid world was for sale, but the only thing I'd ever truly wanted, money couldn't buy, especially not eight stupid dollars. Fuck those stupid ideas of romance and symbolism. It was all just shit.

"I just want you,"

The words were almost inaudible, but in the dead silence of the car park, I'd heard them. My noisy thoughts were silenced as my head immediately turned to see if I was just dreaming again. Brian had wrapped his arms around his raised knees, staring straight ahead as he chewed on his lip. He looked small, scared. I wanted to wrap him in my arms, but I still couldn't quite bring myself to believe what I'd heard was real, because it sounded just like my dreams always did.

Brian felt my eyes on him, as he always seemed to, I now realised, and turned to face me, eyes searching for some kind of answer to a question he didn't dare ask.

"Did you just...." I began, and his eyes darted away from mine.

There were thousands of words in my head, but none managed to find their way to my mouth. I was utterly speechless. It felt unreal that there was a hope, a slight chance, that he wanted the same thing I had wanted so desperately.

Without even really thinking, my hand found itself intertwined with his. We had done this a thousand times, but now the action was loaded. This was the first step of a whole race that I wanted to run as fast as possible. I wanted it all, and God, if he wanted it too, I might just explode.

Brian stroked his thumb over the back of my hand, and once again our eyes met, but this time was like the first time we'd really seen each other. It felt as natural as breathing for both of us to lean in, my eyes flicking down to his mouth.

We slowly came together until our lips were touching. This was what heaven felt like. This wasn't our first kiss, by any means, but it was the first that had all of these emotions behind it, both of our cards laid out on the table. We both melted into the action of it, and as I brought my spare hand up to cup his cheek, the remaining wisps of fear blew away in the gentle breeze, leaving me on top of the world with the man of my dreams.

When we broke apart, we stayed close together, our foreheads touching.

"Was that ok?" I whispered, looking into the most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen.

"Just about," he laughed softly, pulling me back in to a mess of tongues and years of unspoken feelings.

After we had moved apart, I took a moment to gather my thoughts, still holding tightly on to him.

"I wasn't trying to buy you for sex, or anything, you do know that, right?" I had to check.

Brian pulled back from me and laughed, the noise echoing around us. I couldn't help but smile at him, like the lovesick fool I was.

"Yes, I know, you idiot," he said, punctuating his words by peppering kisses all over my face.

If it were possible to die of happiness, now would be the time for me to do it.