The Choice Of The Heart

CHAPTER 14 - "I was burning"

A tear. A tear flowed from my eyes.

I couldn’t breathe, I was losing every sensations. I leaned violently on the table. I tried to talk but no sound was coming out of my mouth. Bellamy was looking at me but I couldn’t make a move either, he was like frozen.

“I can’t. I can’t do it.” I finally said in a whisper. Lexa quickly came to me and lead me closer to the balcony to give me some fresh air. I tried to catch my breath but my cheeks were burning of shame. I couldn’t stand my behavior.

“I'll leave you alone for a moment before...” She said softly just before closing the curtains which separated me from the room. Lexa walked in and Bellamy came to her.

“Can I see her?” He asked politely, Lexa didn’t answer so he kept going. “Or at least tell her that it’s okay, she doesn’t have to blame herself for what’s happening.”

Lexa smiled kindly at him and said:
“You really do know her. Hold on to all of these words, she’s going to need to hear this after her announcement.” Bellamy wasn’t following her. But before he had the chance to ask her anything the foghorn sounded and Lexa joined me on the balcony.

The people of Polis were gathering as soon as they heard the foghorn. The square was now full of citizens and staring at us. Lexa was about to start talking but I came to the fore of the balcony to prove her I could handle this.

“People of Polis. Four days ago a Trikru village was massacred by the Skaikru, member of the coalition.”

The people started screaming war treats but I left my hand and everyone stopped. “Aik laik Heda, Queen Of Polis and I claim justice for those we've lost. Jus drein jus draun! That’s why tomorrow at dawn in the exact same place where you’re all standing, a duel will take place.”

I took a moment of respiration and I felt Bellamy and Octavia hiding behind the curtains. I wanted to hold his hand while I said it, I wanted him to be next to me. But this couldn’t happen.

“I, Queen Of Polis and Commander of the 13 clans announced that I will fight for our freedom against those who dare defy the royal power. As you know my bravery hasn’t been proved to you as the tradition required. I’ll personally take part to this duel and fight to death.” After these words I felt like a knife stabbed me in the heart whereas all the people were cheering for me.

I wished I could take Bellamy in my arms and convince myself that all of this was just a nightmare. But instead I heard the doors close violently.

“Bell! Come back!” Octavia screamed.

I bowed quickly and came inside the room panicked. I looked around but nobody was there, I ran through the corridors Lexa followed me. Then Octavia showed up breathless.

“Where is he? Where’s Bellamy?” I asked panicked.

“Clarke … Why you? You don’t have to do …” She said trying to catch her breath, I stopped her putting my hand on her shoulder.

“Yes I do. Where is he? Please.” I begged her.

“He left just after your announcement, I tried to catch him but ... He must be somewhere in the Tower. I think he needs space but we can go back looking for him if you want.”

“No. You’re right he needs to be alone. And so do I.” I said sadly walking through my room.

Lexa agreed to let Octavia and Bellamy stay in the Tower in the guest rooms instead of the jail. I came into my room and looked around me, everything seemed so fade and empty. Every objects that I loved, every sensations seemed corrupted. That’s how a condemned man must feel. I slowly let myself fall against my bed and stayed there for hours crying.

I fell asleep exhausted by such a day but I suddenly woke up when I heard knocking on my door. I quickly stood up and ran toward the door hoping it was Bellamy. I opened it. He was standing in the doorway, looking at me with his shiny eyes. I took his hand and made him come in. I closed the door and jumped into his arms. He hugged me tightly, I could feel his breath on my neck. 

I drew back and smiled at him. There were tears all over his face so I put my hands on his cheeks and removed them. I was holding him and his eyes were drowned into mine such as I could see myself in them. It was beautiful.

“It’s going to be alright.” I said. We both knew it wasn’t but someone had to say it. Bellamy wanted to say something and I know he was going to apologize and put this on him and I didn’t want to.

So I stood up on my tiptoes and pressed my lips against his. He didn’t push me back; it meant he felt the same way. My skin was slowly burning. I moved my hands to his dark hair and he kissed me back. His lips were slowly moving over mine and I was losing myself in him. I didn’t care if it was right or wrong … the touch of his lips, the smell of his skin made me lose my mind.

With his arms wrapped up around my waist, his hands were moving on my back. He lifted and pressed me against him. I never felt something like that. I didn’t want him to pull me down, to let me go, ever.

I knew the kiss was going to break at some point but right now all I could hear was our hearts beating faster each time our lips were moving. And all I could think about was him.

I was burning.