Vents

Weeks

god I'm a mess. where do i even start. oh i know, where i met her. that's where this begins. I met her on Ifunny. I began to crush on her, and one day, i asked her out. granted i added it to an internet prom i later learned neither of us were able to attend to to issues in real life. She said no, for two reasons. I'm too old for her, and she was taken at the time. We became great friends, and slowly, she became the closest person i had ever known to me. Oh here, let me mention this now, I'm 17. I began to slowly investigate her. She loves art, and if I'm honest, is one of the best artists i've seen. I learned her name, and its a beautiful one. Syra. I later learned her age. She's 13. Now granted that the world is going to thing im a pedo, i don't give a shit.
Now, to continue. I fell in love with her. I asked her out before just because i was like "Fuck it." but i made a best friend out of it. Slowly, i began to fall for her harder than i had ever anticipated. Granted i still love her now and its been two months. Slowly, i came off on her once and asked her out. it was a half joke, and of course she rejected, standing with the point that i was 17 and the age difference was too large. I was hurt, yes, but not too bad. Slowly, we became closer, then i fucked up hugely. We did this fake wedding thing, and it went horribly. it was a fucking wreck and i enjoyed every minute of it. Later Me and Syra began talking about it and she was like "Lets do it!" referring to us doing the internet marriage thing together. She thought i took it the wrong way when she said "lets do it" but that's beside the point. We talked a lot about that, and slowly, it came back to the wedding. Eventually... i asked her a question i reqret asking to this day. "so, is it official?" i asked her on skype if im not mistaken "Are we a thing?" Now of course she responded, but it wasnt the response i wanted. "I t W o U l D n T w O r K o U t." she sent back. now she tried to explain herself there, but as soon as i read that message i closed my computer. She didn't know this, though now she does because i'm writing this because i know she will read it, but i was broken. I meant it that time when i asked her. I didn't care about her age. i knew it wouldnt matter in ten years if things worked out like that. Honestly, the few weeks after that were a blur. I fell apart. Eventually, shit went so far downhill that she told me the second most dreaded words i thought i could here from her. "Just please. Leave me alone. I'm sorry"

I cried that night. Now that may not seem like much, but i don't cry. Let me get this straight, i'm emotionally numb. I never cried when my father died, i never cried when i learned i lost a good friend to suicide. I had never cried out of sadness once. Frustration? anger? yes, bet never out of sorrow. I was a happy person. Numb to anything that could possibly upset me, or so i thought. Never, not once, had anybody said something to make me cry out of SADNESS. And this wasn't some light sob, this was a sob of true pain. Now normally, i never even cared when somebody left my life, but her... she was the closest friend i had in years, hell the closest one i ever had. I fucked up our friendship by falling in love with her and she tried to leave me. Honestly, the only thing that i really remember from the weeks that lead up to her saying that is that she had to delete Skype. Now there is some drama involved with that, but it was a mistake on my part. I kept Skype and as soon as she left, i poured myself out to her on something she would never read. Though i became suspicious, as her status flickered from on and off as though she still had Skype. I messaged her on Skype, and if I'm honest, i still do, hoping that she will get on and read the nice things i left her. Anyway, back to her saying she wanted me to leave her alone. I was shattered. Not only was i about to lose the person i loved, i was about to lose my best friend. i wasn't giving up. The next day, i messaged her on everything i knew she had, even Wattpad, and she barely uses wattpad! This is what i sent, word for word. "I just want to restart our friendship. No love, no drama, Just friends. It's up to you though, you just need to say no and I'll leave you alone forever." (I copied and pasted that directly from the message i sent her on Wattpad, so yes, its word for word)
We became friends again. I don't remember what all had happened. I don't remember anything that happened for a solid week. All i know is that we became friends again, and that she didn't respond to the message for four days. Did i mention the fact that before this, she never responded to anything i had sent her for almost a week? I went days hoping for so much as a hello. The only reason she responded to it and said to leave her alone is because i called her a liar. I assumed that because her status was flickering, she was lying to me. I learned later that she never lied. In fact, she has never lied to me, not once to this day. Has she avoided telling me things? yes, but never has she lied to me, though if she has, i never found out. I'm extremely trusting of her. But yea. When i said 'no more love, no more drama' i should have known that i couldn't keep that promise. The peace didn't last long. I was heartbroken, what can i say? It didn't help that she was the only person i could talk to at the time. I said things i regret saying. I hurt her and ill never forgive myself for that. Granted the drama only recently ended, but that's why I'm writing this. I need to document what happened. i need to get it out of my head. It causes so much paranoia it isn't okay. you'll see why too, though now I remember her saying something that I'll never forget. So throughout the weeks after, my paranoia instilled fear inside of me. Only just now as i type this has it been sated. Temporarily? yes, very likely, but its better than her getting it taken out on her. The paranoia caused me to think she wanted me to go. I asked her once, asking whether she wanted me to leave. she said "no" as in she wanted me to stay. it was sated temporarily, but the feeling was still there, gnawing. Eventually, i asked again, but i got the same answer, and my paranoia was only temporarily held down. The third time i asked her, this was the last time i asked her again. "Do you want me to leave, because i will." i asked her. she didn't respond immediately, but she always did that. Her response was "No." but that wasn't what stopped my paranoia. it was followed by a "Please don't" To this day, i haven't forgot that. A lot has happened since then. and six days ago from writing this, i tried to leave. It was on Halloween too, which was her favorite holiday. I don't want to recall what happened that day. It's something i regret dearly. Just know i tried to leave. The next day, she was done with me. I knew she was, she hadn't responded to anything i had sent her. we talked, and she actually snapped at me. She had every right to be angry with me. I'm such a fuckup. I had ruined everything i had tried weeks to get back together on that Halloween. Eventually, she tried to leave me again.