The Preacher's Girl

Chapter 9

Dear, Rolland Marks
It is very true what you said about Alex, she did indeed make me open up. She slowly peeled all the layers and found my true self. The self that was not afraid to be heard as well as seen. The self that choose happiness over easy. The self that found love.
I do agree that Jessie and Martha were stopping me from coming out of my shell, but I think even if Alex had not told me what she had saw I still would have found out one way or another, and I would have somehow ended up back in Alex’s room, drinking gin, kissing her and starting our beautiful yet tragic love story.
I don’t know if kissing Alex was a way of getting back at Jessie and Martha, rather it was a way for me to move on. A way for me to say that the last person who kissed me did not break my heart. A way for me to just say goodbye to everything my father put in my head. And who knows maybe I would have kissed Alex even if I was stone cold sober. I’d like to think that I would have. I mean the start of our connection can’t just be because Alex had gin. Can it?
Of course you can forward fan mail to me, there was really no need to ask. I am just surprised that I have fans in the first place.

The next day Alex and I both woke up with what at the time was the worst hangover we had ever had. Everything hurt, but after we took an aspirin each, and drank a tone of water we knew we had to speak about what had happened the night before. Neither of us wanted to start the conversation, but it had to be done, so I decided to bite the bullet.
“Last night was crazy,” I groaned, still exhausted and very much in pain. “Yep it really was, I haven’t partied like that in ages,” Alex laughed. “I don’t think I have ever partied like that,” I smiled, hopping up onto Alex’s bed where she was sitting. “So we should probably talk about what happened last night?” I said trying my best not to blush or anything. “I mean we don’t have to, do we?” Alex smirked, turning to face me. “I think we should,” I smiled back. “What is there to talk about though? We got drunk. We kissed. End of story.” Alex leaned over to me and pushed a loose piece of hair behind my ear and whispered, “Unless you don’t want it to be the end of the story.” “It wasn’t just one kiss though, it was numerous ones,” I gulped, suddenly feeling very nervous with Alex being in kissing distance. “Do you regret it?” She asked. I bit my lip and shook my head. I didn’t regret one thing that we did that night. “Then why do you seem like I just ran over your puppy?” “I don’t know. I just want to know what it means. I just want to know if it changes anything. I feel so confused,” I sighed, falling back on the bed and looking up at the ceiling. “You don’t have to feel confused Charlie. And we don’t need to know what it means, we can just simply let whatever this is take its course, or we can just say the moment we leave this room we never talk about it. There is so many different things we can do, but we don’t have to decide right now. Right now it can just be you and me in a bed talking or?” Alex leaned over me and kissed me. I kissed back. I was completely sober and I kissed back. I knew I couldn’t just forget about last night, but part of me wished that I could because that would have been the easier option. “I like or,” I said between kisses.
“I never want to leave this room,” I smiled, placing my head on Alex. “Why not?” Alex laughed. “Because the moment we leave this room things are going to get complicated, and I really don’t want this to get complicated.” “It won’t get complicated if we don’t let it, but if we don’t want to let it get complicated we should probably talk about it, shouldn’t we?” Alex smiled and kissed my forehead. “But what about or? Or was so nice and involved little communication.” “I know but if we don’t want to complicate this then we have to talk about it. Maybe we should both say what we think this is? And then decide what to do.” “Okay, you go first, since it’s your idea and you are the one who kissed me first,” I rolled over to look Alex in the eyes. Her eyes are so beautiful I thought, I could have looked into them for ever. “Hey you kissed back,” Alex laughed. “But never mind, I’ll go first. When we met I liked you before we had even spoke to each other. When I saw you give your big speech I did fancy you a bit, then we spoke and I fancied you even more. Even when we had that argument I still liked you because you did not want to believe that someone could do that, you wanted to see the best in them. When I saw you cry in school it actually broke my heart, that’s why I went over, I would have come sooner but I knew you had to do it on your own. Then last night when you came out of your shell and started dancing and singing and joking I wanted to kiss you so bad, which is why I said that idea last night because I wanted to kiss you, and then I didn’t want to stop. I don’t know what this is. I don’t know if it is going to end in heartache. I don’t know if it will even work. But I am willing to find out if you are? And doesn’t the Aussie and the preacher’s girl have a ring to it?” Alex smiled at me. “Your turn,” She whispered.
I looked at her unsure what to say. I knew what she wanted me to say; she wanted me to say that I felt the same, she wanted me to say that I want to give it a try to, but I knew what my father would say. He would say that this should not be a discussion, that I should know the answer. But I didn’t know the answer. I knew what each person wanted to say, but I didn’t know what I wanted to say. I knew that I could not go back to the way I was. I knew that I desperately wanted to kiss Alex again, but I also knew that my father would never forgive me. If I had of lived anywhere else I know that this decision would not have even been a debate, I would have just said what I wanted to say. So why didn’t I was the question.
“Alex, when we are together I do feel more like myself, I’m not afraid to be me. But. Why is this so difficult,” I sighed, burying my head in a pillow. “Because you don’t want to hurt anyone, and you know that this is going to hurt someone. But you don’t need to worry about hurting anyone, the only person you should worry about is yourself. Whatever your decision, it’s your decision and no matter what it will be respected as long as you are happy with your choice. Don’t base your decision on other people’s feelings, base it on your own,” Alex smiled removing the pillow.
I decided that I would take Alex’s advice. “When we are together I feel like myself. I feel like I can speak my mind without being judged. I feel like I can act like the fool and you won’t think I am crazy, well not completely crazy. You are different from anyone I have ever met before. You make me want to tell you stuff I would never tell anyone else. You make me want to be more than just the preacher’s obedient daughter. You make me feel things I have never felt before. When I am around you I don’t think about all my worries, all I think about is the now. I know my father would never understand this, but I don’t care because you make me feel things I have never felt before. All my life I thought there was something wrong with me, because I had everything a girl my age wanted but still wasn’t happy. Now I finally understand why. Now I realise what I want is to give this a try, I really do.”
Alex smiled at me and rolled on top of me. I pushed myself up and kissed her, slow at first, then more aggressive, more passionate. I know it is hard to believe that after spending only a couple of hours together we were ready to give a relationship a try, but no one else was in that room but Alex and I. No one else knows about the conversations that we had. No one else knows about the secrets that we told. No one else knows what went on behind those closed doors. In all my life I had never felt like I did except for when I was with Alex. I thought what I felt for Jessie was attraction, but after spending one night with Alex I knew that I was wrong. That one night unlocked so many doors for me, and I would not be who I am today if it was not for that night and Alex.
“So what do you want to do today? Not that I’m complaining about this,” Alex smiled and kissed me again. “It’s just that people will probably wonder where the preacher’s daughter is, and I think it is in both of our interest if they don’t know what is going on between us, at least until we are ready for people to know, especially our parents.” I sat up and fixed myself. “I mean we don’t have to tell our parents, or at least we don’t have to tell mine, it can be our own little secret.” I smiled half joking, half serious. You can’t really blame me for being worried about what my parents would think, I mean at this point in time I thought this was just a rebellious fling though I never told Alex. I just did not want to believe that I liked girls because I knew what that would mean for me. I would be black listed in my own town. The people who looked after me when I was young would never look at me again. My parents would be disgraced by me. And my dad would hate me. It’s funny now, because all of this has happened, though now I know who I am and I don’t think it was just a reckless fling. “You will eventually have to tell your parents Charlie, no matter how hard.” “I know.”
“How about we go to the mall?” Alex suggested. “There isn’t a proper mall in Georgetown,” I laughed. “Oh god, where is there a good mall then?” Alex asked. “Well the best mall around these parts is Dallas, but that is a long drive away. We could go to Austin, that isn’t too far away, and it is beautiful and there is plenty of malls.”
We were all ready to go on our trip to the mall when those plans were destroyed by my father. “I am sorry Alexandria but Charlotte cannot leave the house today, she has to do her chores, then go to bible study, then help her mother with the dinner and then she has to resume studying, and she has extra study to do because she did not do any last night. You see she is far too busy to be spending valuable time going to the mall,” He said in his condescending voice. “I’m sorry,” I whispered into Alex’s ear as I walked back into my house, my father right at my tail.
I know I didn’t put up much of a fight with my father, but I knew there was no point, all it would have done was make the situation worse and that would only mean I’d have more work to do. Though within a few minutes I sort of wished that I had of put up a fight because I was so bored. It was weird because if I had of done these things before I had met Alex they would not have bothered me, but now I was completely and utterly out of place. I felt like I had changed which I guess I had
During bible studies I felt the most out of my comfort zone. My father’s topic choice for the evening was why same sex desires were such a sin, and since I decided to speak my mind at the assembly a couple of weeks ago my father was keen to see if my opinion on the matter had changed, which in fact it had. I now believed even more that same sex desires were not a sin but human nature, and anyway how could something that felt so good be a sin. After speaking my mind once again to my dearest father, making sure to avoid anything that would make my father believe I had kissed a girl, he decided to talk God to me once again.
During my father’s entire speech, I could not stop thinking about Alex. About how her lips felt against mine. About how we had talked. About how cute she was when I last saw her hours ago. Throughout the entire day I had to keep shutting down thoughts of Alex from my mind. Images of her just kept creeping up in my head, in fact those brief and frequent images were the only things keeping me from dying of boredom.
Once I had finished all of my tasks for the day I went you to my room, closed the door and began texting Alex seeing as I knew my father would not let me out to see her, since it was past my curfew.
Me: Hey xx I miss you
Alex: I miss you to xx Your dad seems like an ass
Me: You have no idea. Today during bible study, he went on this big rant about how same sex desires are an abomination, though I wasn’t really paying attention, my mind was somewhere else
Alex: Aw were you thinking about me? Because I was thinking about you ☺
Me: You were? And yes I was thinking about you
Alex: Of course I was thinking about you, you’re amazing when you are not being a bitch
Me: God I want to kiss you right now
Alex: You talking about me or God?
Me: You
Alex: Well in that case I’ll be right over
Before I even had the chance to message back I heard a tap on my window, and when I opened it there was Alex just sitting on my window ledge. “Come on in,” I laughed. Within seconds of Alex entering my room we were kissing. Even though I barely knew her that well, I knew that there was something special going on between us. Even though I only knew Alex a few weeks at this point I knew she was making me a more open person, a person who was finally starting to feel comfortable with who she is.
Alex kissed me hard and passionately, while I wrapped my arms around her petite waist. We slowly walked backwards still kissing when I fell onto my bed. “You okay?” Alex laughed and kissed me softly. “Yeah I’m fine, I’m just happy. You make me happy,” I smiled pulling Alex on top of me and kissed her once again. “You make me happy to.” Alex smiled and held me. She held me all night until I fell asleep and she went back to her room.
Sincerely, The Preacher’s Girl