I Can't Place It

one day

I'm missing you like crazy, but I'll never fucking admit it.

•
//Phil

That night...the night I left...would you believe me if I said I was actually worried about you? I didn't know where I was going, but I was leaving you behind, and I know you were set on the idea that you didn't need me, but I knew you always did.

I was terrified of what was going to happen when I left. So, I took enough money for a bus ride to my friend Chris's house, and left you everything else I had. It wasn't much, but it's what I had been trying to save for a better life for us.

I took some clothes, and my phone, and had my hand on the doorknob when I heard my name. I knew you were having one of your nightmares.

I don't know what happened when you woke up the next morning. Were you even the slightest bit sad I was gone? Were you surprised? All I know is, I didn't get calls from you until a week later.

Voicemail: Why aren't you back yet? Come home already, Phil.

Voicemail: Phil, are you ignoring me? I can't believe you're actually doing this right now. We can settle this if you just come home.

Voicemail: Phil...I-I miss you.

Voicemail: Are you really going to make me say it, Phil? I love you, alright? Now stop being so goddamn hard headed, and talk to me.

Voicemail: I don't...I don't know what I'm supposed to do...without you...God, Phil I need you.

That was the first time I actually responded back. It was all I wanted you to admit, that you needed me. Was it selfish? A bit, but I only did it because you were so selfish.

"Dan, I'm not coming home. I love you too, but you only ever love me when you're lonely. I'm sorry. I'm starting college next week. I think I want to be a teacher in the city. You can do whatever you want with your life. You're so talented, and you wasted it away on me. Your life should get easier without me."

You were crying, "Stop, Phil. No it won't. Just come home, please. I miss you so much. So fucking much. I swear I'll be better this time."

Then I was crying, "Please, don't make this so hard. We just don't belong together."

"Phil, I love you. Stay with me."

"I love you too, but that's my biggest flaw."

And that's the last time we spoke for four years.

But that wasn't the last lie you told me.