artemi
I had been in Russia for the past couple of weeks visiting with my family and laying low for a bit until I had to start training for next season. The NHL Awards were coming up in a few too, and then it was the World Cup so I was trying to enjoy my break the best I could.
I was leaving for Chicago tomorrow early in the morning. It was great to spend time with my family and friends again since I hadn't seen them for so long. But it still felt like a huge part of me was missing.
In the couple of months that I had known her, Claire and I had gotten extremely close. And now that we were separated I felt lonely, despite being surrounded by familiar people. I began to get frustrated with myself; I know I didn't have a great postseason, but now the question is why? I probably had one of my most productive regular seasons ever, playing with Patrick and Artem. So why didn't things click in the playoffs?
I got mad and headed to the gym to blow off some steam. I threw on my Nikes and grabbed a pair of boxing gloves. I then proceeded to beat the shit out of the punching bag.
I thought of the playoffs and I punched harder. When I thought of breaking up with Claire, I punched even harder. I kept punching and hitting until my hands were numb and there was sweat dripping down my face. Out of breath, I leaned against the nearest wall and drank some water.
After 20 minutes of intense exercise, I didn't feel any better like I had expected to. I went on the treadmill and listened to my music, trying to drown out my thoughts. But of course, every song reminded me of Claire somehow.
Nothing seemed to be going right for me anymore.
---
I sat on the plane, alone, listening to my music and reading a book at the same time. I was upset that I had to leave my family again; I wish they could move to Chicago with me. I bet they would love it there, I know I do. It's a beautiful city with great people. One person in particular...
I tried to stop thinking about her, I really did. But it was so obvious that I was still in love with her. Claire had consumed my thoughts every day since I broke up with her. At the time I really thought it was what was best for us; I thought she was distracting me.
That's the real reason I broke up with her- not because I didn't love her anymore, or because I didn't want to be with her anymore. I thought she was distracting me from hockey. I had really thought she was making it hard for me to focus on playing but was that really true?
When I first met Claire, I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. So when she came to practices and games, I worked extra hard to try to impress her. So if anything, she helped me be more focused on my job.
As this realization dawned on me, so did a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. She would never take me back. Even if I explained it, it wouldn't make sense. I dumped her and didn't give her a good reason, why would she want to take me back?
I turned my music off and closed my eyes. However, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fall asleep. My mind was racing a mile a minute, all thanks to Claire.
Once the plane landed in Chicago I had made my decision. I would try to forget about Claire, no matter how much I still loved her and wanted her back, she was still distracting me from hockey. Hockey was all that mattered now; my only friends were guys on the team so now I would be more focused. This was what I needed.
---
Weeks later, at the NHL Awards, it felt weird to be there on my own. Most guys had come with their girlfriends or wives or even their family. I was here alone; no girlfriend and my family was all back in Russia. However, we did decide that they would fly out for a couple weeks and watch me play, which made me ecstatic.
I smiled as I thought of my family. I missed them a lot but it was good to see them. It was just what I needed after a rough couple of months.
I did some interviews with a lot of people suspecting that I would win the Calder Trophy. I didn't really care that much; if I win, I win, and if I don't then oh well. I played with some pretty good rookies this year that I wouldn't be mad if I don't win it.
I talked with Patrick and his family for a little bit before heading to our seats. Although the ceremony was long, I enjoyed it. I even won the Calder, which was pretty shocking, especially since Connor McDavid was a rookie this year too. Was I even considered a rookie? I mean I'm a lot older than the other guys but it is my first year in the league...
I pushed those thoughts out of my head as I accepted the trophy and gave my speech. I headed backstage to take pictures with it before returning to my seat.
After the NHL Awards were over I went to the bar in my hotel and began to drink. I didn't remember anything that happened after that but I knew that it didn't help how I was feeling- lonely.
The next morning I woke up with a pounding headache. I checked the time and was happy to find that my flight back to Chicago wasn't until 2 so I still had some time to relax before leaving.
I checked my phone to see if I had done anything bad last night, but I didn't notice anything in my pictures or messages either. But when I saw who I had called, I almost freaked out. Apparently at 3 am Chicago time I had called Claire. I don't think she picked up, but she was probably wondering what I had to say.
What if I left a voicemail? All these thoughts were flying around in my head, I couldn't think straight. I took a quick shower and packed up my hotel room. I needed to get back to Chicago and start focusing on what really mattered- hockey.
---
Back in Chicago, all I did was train for the World Cup and next season. Soon, training camp was starting, although me and a couple other guys couldn't attend because of the WCOH.
I went to the gym almost every day and focused on getting stronger and quicker. I managed to get some skating in too. By the time practice for the World Cup with Team Russia had arrived, I felt like I was in great shape, physically at least.
