Just Whatever's On My Mind

60

Part of me knows
I will regret
Putting my mind to a book.
But right now
Right FUCKING now
You don't love me.
You don't love me.
You ignored me
Ignored me.
Ignored me.
I called you.
And I knew you were there.
And I messaged you.
And I know you read every one.
And I had all the people I could get
Searching for you.
They could have been
Helping ME.
I needed you.
But my army
Couldn't reach you.
They found the castle
But you weren't waiting there.
You were with your brother
Getting drunk at every bar you could.
I was making sure my dad didn't
stop breathing.
I WAS THE ONE
WHO HAD TO MAKE SURE
HE
DID
NOT
STOP
BREATHING.
Why?
He took pills he wasn't supposed to
Thought he was ODing
Couldn't remember what he took
Or how much.
It was actually just a very large seizure.
Two hours.
Two.
You never even texted me.
He still hurts from the aftermath.
My own dad was violently shaking
Struggling to breathe
Couldn't open his eyes.
The only reason I know where you are
Is because you used
The phone you're ignoring me with
To call my grandma
My only lifeline
And ask if her bar was open.
And get pissed when she said no.
It's even more terrible
That you don't even know why.

So,
Hey, if Momma is there, tell her thanks. I had to deal with this all by myself.  Thanks for ignoring me when I needed you most. I hope the drinks are strong enough to make you forget me. To forget us all.
~ Aryanna