Visions (Oliver Sykes)

Visions (Oli Sykes)

Dark. Everything was obscure. I must have been here for far too long, on my own. Only, the same words on my mind, the same images before my eyes. And my inability to ignore it all.

It has probably been two days since I've got out of here. Since I've last seen any light, last eaten. Since I last showed any sign of life. After all, it wasn't like anybody would notice if I came to disappear.

The darkness somehow made me feel comfortable. It was simple and covered every single thing, every flaw of the world. Except the ones I was made of, the ones that were obsessing me and couldn't run away from.

I get it. We're humans and therefore our entire existence is based on flaws. But still, I couldn't accept mines.

I think it all just feels so unreal to me. I never said anything to anyone, nobody ever asked me if I was truly fine. Sometimes I even questioned if I wasn't imagining some parts of my life. Like the two last days, for example.

The worst thing was how I always felt so alone but at the same time, refused to get really close to any of my friends, and I had quite a lot of them. They'd just use me and throw me away when they'd get tired. It's always more or less the same thing.

That explains why I don't believe in love either. I don't think someone can save someone else just by loving them a short time of their lives. Love isn't forever, it never is. Because nobody stays forever.

I used to think there was no everlasting thing. But that feeling inside my chest and my head has been there for so long that I'm wondering if it will ever go away.

I really wanted to make it stop, but I had found no way to make it. I mean, there was always that one solution which I didn't want to think about right now.

My hands made their way to my hair and grabbed it, pulling it. I was so sick of all these thoughts, of all that time I was wasting. This would be so easier to just end it all in order to finally hear nothing but the silence of my mind.

"Shut the fuck up!"

It may appear like pure madness to scream at no one, but I never mentioned I was totally sane. It's all I can do when I've got no one to scream my hopelessness to.

"Make it stop, please..."

It's really hard to try to hold on when nothing's keeping you here, when no one seems to care. I've always thought that it was useless to live a life without any purpose. If we spend those decades we call life just waiting for our death to come, there's simply no point at all, to me at least. But, in my position, it was different. I was living with the thought of dying everyday. With the fact that it'd probably be better if I just died.

But I won't do anything. I never have, so far. And tomorrow, I'll have to fake a smile and pretend I'm not so messed up. That sums up my life pretty well.

Except that this time, it will be harder to act as if I haven't spent two days alone in my room without giving a good reason to have isolated myself. Because saying something like "it all became too much" was not possible. I'm not stupid enough not to see this excuse wouldn't work.

There are so many things I need to let out. I swear sometimes, it's the hardest thing to try and keep them to myself. But when it's on the tip of my tongue, I remember that no one would pay attention to what I'd say and that prevents me from saying anything that would show who I really am. What I really am.

Hey, I completely forgot to tell you! I'm totally fucked up and have no idea why I'm still alive. Anyway, what's up? I don't think that'd pass. I think none of my so called friends would accept to see that not everything is perfect around them. And I can totally understand that.