Visions (Oliver Sykes)

Let's leave this mess.

Lee was smiling again and talking with Natasha and Matt as if nothing had ever happened. But me, I couldn't even think about joining the conversation. I didn't want to simply because it wouldn't change anything about the fact that the three of them were better off without me.

It's incredible how one little thing can make you forget the hell you felt stuck in a few minutes before, isn't it? Or it can make you sink further into the darkness. This same action that was Matt entering my flat made Lee feel ten times better but made me feel numb, as if I didn't belong in my own flat with people that were supposed to be my friends.

I have the habit to run away from my problems. I tend to feel numb instead of feeling hurt, I walk away to avoid facing the people that were mad at me or just a situation that I didn't think was bearable. I knew it wasn't right, but I couldn't care less. I shouldn't stay with people that didn't want or need me. And so I left my own flat and started wandering outside.

I needed to talk. I needed things to be let out because it would make it all feel real. I needed explanations, reproaches, anything that would make me learn from my mistakes. But the thing with being lonely is that you have no one to tell everything that weighs so much on you to. You have no other choice than keeping it all to yourself. Some people say you always have a choice. I used to think that. But sometimes, the two things you could choose to do were so extreme that it didn't look as if you had a say in it. Just like when you were standing on the edge of a bridge : you could either jump or take a step back and go back to the hell your life was. You could either die or suffer for the next  decades of your life.

I read somewhere that the only true madness was to believe we were mad. But in this case, mad is what everybody is since we all believe we've reached insanity at one point in our lives. That makes being sane different.

We're all constantly trying to be different from people around us and so we end up being all the same. We all ran to our madness when it first was so far away.

Maybe that was a bad thing, maybe it wasn't. All I knew was that some people have, without realising it, run way past their madness, where anyone thinking they were already too mad didn't dare to go. Those people were the sanest on Earth. I wasn't one of these people.

I was miles away from the real world and I honestly didn't want to come back. My life had come to the point I couldn't care less what would happen to me. People seemed to be better off without me and I respected that.

It is hard to be someone people could need when you're still trying to find who you are. I felt like a part of me was missing and it was really weird to me because you can only miss something you once had and I couldn't remember the last time I felt complete.

The night was starting to take over the city, darkening the sky and the buildings. It enveloped me but this time, I couldn't enjoy it. Who was I? I couldn't believe that I was spending all my time trying to find an answer to this question. I felt like I was wasting my time. I was constantly changing and never seemed to keep at least one of my characteristics.

I kept on walking, thinking that it might lead me somewhere that was close to nowhere, where nothing could feel as wrong as my life felt like. I think I chuckled when I found myself outside Josh's house. Was this nowhere? All I knew was that everything got worse when I decided to stay with him last night. Or was it already too late? Talking with him had made me feel better about myself. He seemed to understand me. But still, he was just someone else who didn't need me in their lives.

I slowly walked out of the street. I couldn't bother him anymore. He also was better off without me anyway.

I felt my heart skip a few beats when I noticed that no star could be seen in the sky tonight. The sunlight couldn't give anymore hope to anyone and the stars didn't seemed strong enough to shine through the fog. It might sound stupid though I never said I was smart, but it made me feel hopeless. Those stars had billion of years of experience and couldn't force their way through an atmosphere a little bit more opaque, and yet I was expected to find a way through life when I was a bit over two decades old. The fight looked lost before it even began.

The events of the past few weeks made me consider the fact that loneliness was humanity's worst enemy. I don't think I had ever thought that everybody felt alone. And that's still fucked up because we're all together, somewhat communicating with each other but it's all superficial and so means nothing at all. We lived in a world where no one truly had your back and so you had to be careful with every single thing you made.

That got me thinking about that day, that time Matt actually had my back. That day, he somehow decided to control my life or my death. Even though I can't understand where he came from, Matt acted differently from everybody else. What he did seemed sane.

I don't believe in reincarnation. I think we've only got one shot at life and even if what you get sucks, you should make the most of it. An average 82 years long life passes by pretty quickly and when you think about it, you shouldn't want to cut it shorter. These thoughts I had a lot weren't rational.

I liked to think there was a reason why humans were so weak. I felt better about myself when I put the blame on something else than myself. Being human, and therefore weak, could justify this omnipresent idea of ending your life.

Suddenly, my lungs couldn't take any air in, I was choking. Everything just felt too heavy. I ran and ran for a few minutes, my breath getting sharper every passing step, but I needed it to be done. I had to try and get everything to be right again.

I burst in my flat, out of breath, still trying to figure out the right words to say. I didn't have the time to think anymore. I almost just gave up when nobody noticed I was here.

"You are all right. I am selfish, even egocentric. I made a lot of mistakes, and don't take in the world around me enough."I said, and Lee, Natasha and Matt stared at me. "I must have gotten all the flaws I could think of. You know me, I'm sure of this. But you know only what I want you to know. You have no idea how it is inside my head, and I promise you you don't want to imagine it. You can't understand why I act the way I act. That's no reason to be an asshole and I know I've often been one, but it justifies that sometimes I need to be left by myself because it hurts too much to be around people that don't make any effort to help or understand me. So yes, I run away and walk in the middle of the night, yes I lock myself away from you all, but I have my reasons. I met this guy last night, that guy I spent the night with. I felt fine with him because he was listening and talking to me like he would talk to anybody. With you, I either feel like a child or invisible because you don't even see me in the room. Try to put yourself in my shoes for even ten seconds. I'll leave you all with that to think about."

I sighed and once again let three of my 'friends' in my apartment. I didn't really felt any better. My lungs could breathe again but it still wasn't what I was longing for. I wanted to be at peace with myself, that seemed to be something I couldn't do.

I think we're all looking for only one thing in life. We all want to feel important to someone. We want to be seen. Whatever we try to do, we always do it in order to be noticed. But, in my case, I could do the most crazy things and it will still be ignored. People would still pass next to me without looking at me. I was getting sick of this. Sick of not being someone to anybody.

I put my hands in my pockets and emptied them. There were lots of papers, random lyrics I wrote down, random drawings of what I thought I had to let out, but really it didn't mean anything at all. It was just an illusion.

Everything is an illusion, a distraction from life. Whatever you do, it's only to concentrate on something else than your problems. Because life was made of this : issues that were so interweaved they created what we called our lives. Sometimes, the nodes made the concerned problems disappear, but most of the time, you had to figure out a way to get things right yourself. It was the reality of life, we just don't always see that we're making or removing nodes.

I rang and hoped the door would open. I knew I didn't deserve it to, but people often got what they wanted without working for it now.

I thought I finally had some luck when the door cracked open and Nicholls' face showed up, a tired smile on it.

"I wondered how long it would take for you to finally come." He laughed.

No, I didn't deserve friends like him, but I was so glad life wasn't always fair or else I'd probably be the most insane human on earth.