Visions (Oliver Sykes)

Don't let go.

I got out of Nicholls' flat with no idea where Matt could be. I had gone to the bar, the music store, the park, his apartment and at least ten other places. He was nowhere. It had been one hour since my discussion with Lee and I was beginning to forget why I was even bothering. If he was hiding so well, maybe he just wanted to be left alone, and I shouldn't disturb him.

In the past few months, I had become a bit unattached. I knew it wasn't exactly healthy and probably cruel at times, but people come and leave and I had grown tired of being disappointed.

I ended up walking mindlessly through the city and found myself going in the woods. I felt numb and invisible so I stopped in my tracks and sat right there, in the middle of nowhere, took the notebook I always had with me and the pencil. I had to draw if I didn't want to hate myself in a few seconds. I already had too much weight on my shoulders, more hatred would most likely break me.

I breathed slowly, watching absentmindedly the way new lines were appearing on the paper, as if it wasn't my own hand that was creating them. I didn't feel like myself. Rather, I didn't want to feel like myself, or to simply be myself because, today -like most days- being me sucked.

Sometimes, you make mistakes but you don't realize it right away. The consequences arrive later. In my case, they usually come all at once. And it was particularly awful when everything crushed on you at the same time.

Looking back at the paper in front of me, I saw a throne. But it was an old one, with spider webs on it. It was half broken, just like the few paintings behind it. It seemed like it was a fallen emperor's throne located somewhere in a fallen world. It looked abandoned and cold, but not repulsing.

It is true though. Everything eventually falls apart. Your dreams, your passionate relationship with either a friend or a lover, your hope to live in a better world...Everything. Even your own brain ceases to properly function when you get older. It's unavoidable. When it happens to me, my mind just shuts down, refuses to feel any pain. I guess it was tired of being drained by so many feelings.

Lately, I've been feeling like everybody around me was waiting for my world to fall. Half of the time I'm sure they want to change me and the rest of the time it was as if they were just waiting for me to completely fall apart. I hated that. I hated feeling like I wasn't worth living.

I know I'm not easy to deal with, but they could just say it instead of watching me slowly break into a million pieces. They'd make it all end faster, and maybe that was what was the best.

I got up because remaining sat in the middle of nowhere would lead me, well... nowhere. Thing that, now that I think about it, wouldn't be so bad in the end. Could there have any problem when you were nowhere? I guess the only one you could have would be to find a way to get out of there. But if you don't actually want to leave, then there's nothing you could complain about.

I got up still and began to walk, to go further in the woods. Matt could be somewhere in here for all that I know.

Turns out he was. I had wandered for a few minutes before stopping suddenly. He was laying on the grass, Natasha next to him, both of them staring at the little part of the sky they could see through the branches. That was unexpected.

I bet everybody knows how a stabbing pain hits your chest when you feel betrayed. But still, we try to forget how bad it is so that it'd hurt even more the next time you're deceived.

I felt my chest hurt before I even understood what was happening. I had no reason to feel betrayed, hurt or jealous. I guess my body didn't agree with my mind though.

***

"One more, please." I asked the barman. I had lost count of the amount of bourbon I had drunk. It wasn't worth counting anyway.