Visions (Oliver Sykes)

Fallen soldiers.

"So, you and Natasha, uh?" Lee smirked as soon as I got home, alone. She said she had to go back and probably be screamed at for leaving abruptly the bar to her only coworker for an hour.

I thought only Matt was supposed to be here...

"We aren't even friends, shut up." I muttered and plopped on my couch. "Why are you here anyway?" I added.

"Matt called me and told me how you dumped him and I decided to stay with him. Which movie do you wanna watch tonight? I'm calling Jona and Nicholls."

"And what if I only wanted to be left alone? Do you think I want you all to invade my apartment? Well, I don't." I complained. This isn't what I wanted. Nothing was what I wanted, and I was growing really sick of this. For once, I wanted things to be easy, but I guess I could never get that.

"I guess that wouldn't matter, mate. And you know perfectly why." Matt said harshly.

***

There's always something that can make me lose it all. Right now, I was on my bed, trying to control my breathing. But I couldn't manage to do it, and that made me break down.

It was stupid because I had so many good, actual reasons to break, and it was such a little thing that made me. But I guess every single thing has its importance, and the fact that I couldn't control my own body sent me over the edge.

I thought I was getting better. I dared to hope I could get better. But I must have only improved my ability to hide my feelings. Once again, I had built up way too many things inside of me and it just became too much.

I replayed all the times I made a fool of myself in my head. I remembered every time I had said something stupid or made a situation awkward. It was as if I wanted to convince myself that I couldn't do anything right. And that would be a perfect explanation for my loneliness.

I had this riff playing non stop in my mind, giving a soundtrack to all of those memories, making them even more painful. For the first time in ages, music didn't have a good impact on me, it didn't make anything better at all.

I took my notebook and a pen and tried to let everything out by something else than dry tears. Those wouldn't change anything. Never have, never will. I should at least try to do something useful for once.

Life could seem pretty beautiful most of the time. I know I used to see the positive in almost everything, but when you're feeling stuck between the walls of your mind, you can't see any light, any good thing that could make you smile or simply breathe right. And suddenly, you also forget anything good that ever happened to you, focusing only on what turned badly.

It's like when you're feeling okay, even fine, you know you have friends whom you can count on and that makes you even happier. But right then, alone in my room, trying not to let myself and my life fall apart, I didn't know anymore. I wasn't so sure someone would want to help me. And I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me and my mindset. I just wanted to feel alive and real, and I don't think anyone could do anything about that then.

I sometimes tell myself that it's better to be alone than with someone who treats me bad, but being alone often led to feeling lonely and that was something I came to dread lately.

Of the few things I could still feel, loneliness was the worst. It crushed me at time when I was surrounded by the people I called my friends, making me doubt their honesty. It hit me in the middle of the night, when no one could even try to prove me that they cared or at least that they understood me. And finally, that made me feel numb until something could show me the beauty of what was around me.