Visions (Oliver Sykes)

I need to know.

I woke up feeling something vibrate next to me. I opened my eyes to be blinded momentarily by the light of a living room which wasn't mine. I sat up and took my phone, the stupid thing that made me come back to life, to reality when I wished I could stay a little longer with my dreams, my peace. I quickly glanced next to me to see that Josh was still asleep but didn't look peaceful at all, making me frown before answering my phone. Matt was calling.

"What's up?" I sighed, whispering.

"What's up?! Oh, nothing, you know, I just came to check on you but your flat wasn't locked and there was no one in there, so I'm not at all worried about where you are right now! Why aren't you talking normally?" He yelled sarcastically.

"Because I know what respect is. Look, I went outside last night and I met this guy and long story short, I ended up staying at his place. Please, don't worry constantly about me, I can take care of myself." I slightly snorted at this, because we both knew it wasn't exactly true.

I heard a noise and turned my head to notice that Josh was getting up, his hair was a mess but he smiled brightly and I almost forgot that Matt was really pissed at me.

"Coffee?" He mouthed. I nodded and smiled back.

"And even right now you find a way not to listen to me. You're unbelievable Oliver." Matt muttered. "I swear sometimes I'm so done with you, I don't even see the point anymore. I hate to say this, trust me. But I really hope it will make you react." And with that, he hung  up, leaving me confused.

Thinking of it, it didn't surprise me. I remember planning this for days. Sometimes I was really fed up with their shit. But once again, Matt didn't deserve to be treated that way. He was only kind and protective. Maybe a little too much, though.

It gets hard sometimes. I can't put people before me. I swear I wish I could. It'd make me less selfish, more caring and maybe even more human, who knows. But I guess when you see life the way I see it, you simply don't get why you should be even more helpless so that someone could feel a little less pain.
Pain. Isn't it fascinating? We complain when people hurt us, but when we choose to hurt ourselves, it looks normal. I'm the kind of person that picks on every single one of my flaws but will get mad at someone when they confront me to the reality of my condition. Human.

"Oliver? You alright?"

My head shot up to meet Josh's eyes. I hadn't realized I had been staying on the couch, my head in my hands, just thinking. How creppy could that be?

"Yeah." I answered. But my voice came out weak. I hated that. I hated my life. Myself.

"Who phoned you?" He asked while handing me my cup of coffee.

"Just a friend. He was worried because I wasn't at home." I sighed. I felt like a teenager that was always watched by their parents. I hated that.

Even though I don't show it that much in public, I hate a lot of things. The amount of things I can't stand is unhealthy. It really started picking at me. it's not sane when everywhere you go, you can see something that you wish was different, or just didn't exist, but you can't do anything about it. Sometimes I stare at a detail of the landscape and make myself look like a fool, just staring at it for a few minutes before realizing that I can't change it.

"You listening?"

I cursed.

"No, sorry. You were saying?" Why can't I control my brain? Why can't I focus on listening to the people that were taking the time to talk to me?

I couldn't bear to see my mood go down so quickly. I can't remember the last time I had a day where I didn't feel bad for at least half an hour.

"I have to meet up with some friends of mine, and we're going to the doghouse. I think you should come. You'd love it. And it'd make you escape your problems a little longer." He repeated.

Then it hit me. I didn't know him. Josh was just a stranger, a nice one obviously, but nothing more. I couldn't invade his life when mine was a disaster. It wouldn't be fair to any of us.

"It's nice of you, but I think I should just go home." I said and nodded to myself.

"Your choice." He smiled.

While making my way back to my house, I couldn't help from feeling this coldness inside of me. It was as if every move I was making wasn't the right one, and every choice that I made was wrong. I knew I wasn't exactly the kindest man on earth, the most understanding or even just somewhat good for someone. But it still hurt to realize that I couldn't prevent myself from pushing people away. It felt like I wanted to be alone, even lonely. Like my brain wanted me to suffer silently.

When I entered my flat, I took a deep breathe and something I suddenly remembered I had missed surprised me. It smelt of cigarettes in my apartment when I didn't own any because I used to smoke too much.

I went to my kitchen and Lee was there, a cigarette in one hand and his phone in the other one. He was staring at it like his life was depending on whatever would show up on the screen.

"Can I know what you think you're doing?" I asked calmly. I was way too angry on the inside though.

"Nothing you should worry about. You know Matt's a fucking wreck, right? You should at least consider him. He's trying his hardest and you still reproach him with being there for you." He answered numbly, still staring at his phone. He looked like someone else. This Lee wasn't the one I was used to see almost every day. He looked elsewhere and completely lost.

Was it me who made everybody look older, stressed and really tired? Was it my fault that all of my friends slowly started to hate me? I hadn't meant to make anybody feel useless. I didn't want Matt to think I didn't care about him because that wasn't true. Sure, sometimes he was a little too protective, but he was a nice guy and one of my best friends.

"I know... I don't even-" I began.

"Don't tell me you don't know why you keep making him feel so bad all the time, because that's a lie. You have problems, alright. But we all do. Matt has been acting really weird lately and you've been so selfish that you didn't even notice it. And haven't you realized how Nicholls barely talks to you anymore? I swear we all tried to be there for you, but you're sometimes too complicated to bear. You fucked it up big time, Oliver."

The ton of Lee's voice was cold as ice. Each word created a stabbing pain in my chest, making my breathing sharper. He was right. I was selfish, and I was also perfectly aware of that. I looked down on people that meant the world to me until they felt miserable. And the worst part of that was that I had no idea of what I was doing or even why I was doing so. I remembered that time when Natasha had told me that maybe Matt talked to her because he needed to. All this time I knew something was wrong and I did nothing about it. I hadn't even thought Matt could be fed up with me.

We, humans, take a lot of things for granted. It was either because we've always had them or because we worked so hard to get them. In none of those cases we were given the certainty that this thing would remain ours forever. Mostly because forever is an abstract notion, something that nobody can truly define or attest. Nobody knows what eternity is like.

"You know, I don't understand you." Lee suddenly said, still numbly though. "How can you make people feel as if they were useless, even worthless, when you obviously know what it feels like?"

I absolutely hated those moments when someone pointed out every single thing that wasn't right about me. I hated when somebody asked genuinely questions I didn't have the answers to. Especially when I should have an explanation.

Right now, Lee was making me wretched, because everything he said was awfully true. I guess I deserved that, though. I might even need that.

I was staring blankly at the wall in front of me, and soon my vision became blurry. I didn't blink, I did nothing to change that, simply because I couldn't find the strength to do anything and didn't find any reason I should see properly the mess I made. A few minutes later, shadows of wolves started to appear. They were turning around a brick house, probably just trying to find a way in or a way to break in. It felt like a metaphor of my life, as if I had to break my walls down in order to let someone in and let them change my ways, maybe even make me a better man. But I didn't want that. I didn't need anyone.
And then I lost it all. I shook my head and got out of the flat without glancing at Lee who was surely still lost in his world. I wandered in the streets until I found the one place I thought Matt could be at. The bar.