Visions (Oliver Sykes)

Grab your guns.

Breathe in...22...and out...

in...23....out...

in...24... and out...

in...25... breathe out.

I put the weight back into its place and sat down on the bench. Sweat was rolling down my body, I could feel it, I could appreciate it. My brain was pounding in my head, in time with the rhythm of Led Zeppelin blasting through my earphones. My arms were hurting but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

I breathed a little more and finally got up.

"Goodbye Sir. Have a nice evening. And don't forget to stretch!" The manager said.

I liked that I was no one particular in this training room. I was no damaged man who had lost everything in his life. I was just Sir. And nothing else was important.

Without changing my clothes, I walked back home, thinking too much to even understand what was going through my mind. I took a quick shower and began to stretch. It was hurting but I didn't mind. At least, my brain was focusing on the pain instead of every other detail of my life.

I should probably mention that I've been fired and so I'm now jobless. Apparently, I wasn't smiling or polite enough. I had also lost any contact with my friends. I hadn't moved out but I guess they didn't see the point in coming over anymore. And I couldn't blame them.

Being alone, really alone, makes you see things differently. Feeling lonely was now justified but it didn't happen all that much.

My kitchen was empty. There was only the rest of a box of cereals and I wouldn't survive only with this small reserve. Or would I? I honestly wasn't hungry at all. I just needed a few beers. But I had also run out of it.

I despise money and how people are forced to be dependant to it. We live in a materialist society that only cares about concrete items. And what I think is worse is how nobody wants to admit it. It's as if we all lived in complete denial.

I was aware that this wasn't healthy but I also knew that there was nothing I could do about it.

I took my wallet and decided to go to the store to buy a few beers and try to find a job. I couldn't just stay at home, doing nothing until the day I would have to leave my apartment because I wouldn't have enough money to pay the rent.

When you truly try to notice it, you can see that most people aren't happy. They don't randomly smile at anyone, they don't laugh at a joke a friend has made. People who are optimistic are really rare.

I don't think I was one of those but I tried to smile. I was so in denial that I thought I could pretend so hard to be fine that I would eventually convince myself. There went the little hope I had left.

I was stuck. I wasn't happy or sad, I was just there and couldn't move. I didn't feel like I had the strength to find a solution. I don't even know if I wanted something to change. I just wanted to feel peaceful.

The wind blew suddenly, making a mess of my hair and my thoughts.

I despised myself. I really wish I could just put my pride aside and make friends with someone, act as if everything was alright for a few minutes and believe in myself once again. I wish I had a chance to be happy and at peace with myself.

I hate how I've let myself depend on other people to feel alright. Because now that I have no one, I feel like a mess. And I could feel the life slowly run out of me. And nobody could save me from myself anymore.

Matt Kean's POV.

I tried to find the courage to get up this morning, but I failed miserably. Isn't that the worst thing ever? You hate your life so much that you physically can't take part in it. I wasn't even tired, I was just...empty. And guilty. People were worried about me when they didn't think about Oliver. I still replay the last time we talked everyday.

"There's nothing you can do about it, except leaving me alone. I don't need you or anybody for that matter, alright? You can go back to your perfect little life with your perfect little girlfriend and those perfect friends of yours! I don't need any of that to live!"

He was lying. I knew it. I saw it in his eyes. Oli couldn't be just fine by himself. It was his nature to need someone to put him back on the right track. But now he didn't have anyone because I let him walk away. Just like I let Natasha walk away a few days later when I started to withdraw myself. Everything was just like it used to be. I was alone but refused to admit it, I felt empty because I couldn't take it. How awful was it?

I hate to see my life fall apart and to watch my friends slowly fall apart too. Lee was smoking a lot too much, and Nicholls wasn't smiling anymore. Nothing was alright and I had the feeling it couldn't get better.

Back to Oli's POV.

Today had not been successful. I let my CV to some people but I knew they wouldn't call me.

It was now dark outside but I didn't walk faster, I had nothing better to do than just put one feet before the other.

I was watching the ground while walking up the stairs to my apartment, thinking that I should really try to buy new shoes because mine would soon leave me, when someone whispered my name. It wasn't like they were trying to be discreet but rather as if their voice was weak. I looked up to see Lee slowly walking down to me, a cigarette in one hand, leaving a line of smoke behind him. He didn't seem to be alright. I hadn't felt my heart beat so hard in so long, I just couldn't bear to see him down when I thought he was doing fine.

"Can I offer you a coffee?" I said.

He shrugged.

"There was a time you didn't want me to smoke in your apartment..."

It was my turn to shrug. If only he knew how much smoke there has been in my lift the last few weeks, Lee would laugh. Or yell at me. He would be right no matter what he'd do.

I had imagined a lot of things lately. I had paced in my apartment just thinking of the things that could possibly happen for hours. I had drunk until I couldn't tell light from darkness, until my lungs found a reason not to fail me, until my brain decided not to finish me. But in each case, I ended up alone. Just me and my bottles, waiting to be emptied and shattered against my bedroom walls.

"I don't know how I ended up here. Last thing I know, I was thinking about how Matt is going down and I realised I was here. There are so many things happening to me that I can't explain, I might even be going crazy." Lee breathed out. And suddenly, he let his cigarette fall down on the floor. "I bet you have your own problems to deal with, I should just go."

There's always that moment when someone comes back into your life and you don't know how to react. Then they walk away and you don't know whether to let them leave or to try and make them stay. After all, if they left the first time, it means that they didn't care and you can't make someone stay if they want nothing to do with you.

I had hurt Lee, just like I had hurt all of my friends. I had let him walk away the first time and honestly, he surely was doing ten times better than me. He had friends to help him. I had no one.

I tried to convince myself that it wasn't so bad to be alone, but somehow, I could only notice that my life hadn't become easier without anyone here for me. It could even be the other way around.

Something is always missing, but that's just what makes our lives with living. In my case, I guess too many things were missing, and it wasn't enjoyable anymore.

At some point, I'll admit I thought I had found someone who could truly understand me, who I could really rely on. I actually thought Natasha was that person. I really liked her, to the point I longed for our walks. But once again, I was wrong. She doesn't care. I bet she never did.

Part of me wanted to give up, but there's always that voice that begs me to show the world what I can do and that there's so much to prove to everyone. But it's useless to start a fight when you're already losing.

Now that none of my holes could be filled, I could only watch how my worst vision will come true. And maybe, there was a lot more to do than what I thought.