Ghost Towns In The Ocean ☀︎ Ryden

2 | cigarettes & saints

june 3rd

- hi there i just met all time low a couple hours ago and jack complimented my hair and i gave alex a rainbow headband with streamers on it and he was really happy about it. i am also happy. also big news!!! i'm usually shitty with updating but i think i'm going to try to update this thing every sunday from now on. i was just too excited to wait tonight (its saturday) also the harry potter joke no post on sundays right. i'm gonna post on sundays. 

anyways also this song is cigarettes & saints by this band called the wonder years. i love this song and this band and oh my god i just. love them so much and these lyrics kill me and listen i LOVE this story sooo much. 

━ i'm sure there ain't a heaven, but that don't mean i don't like to picture you there. i bet you're bumming cigarettes off of saints

Ryan never wanted Jon to leave and that was a problem because Ryan was extremely lonely and he had just realized that he missed the company of other people and Jon had other things to do with his life than spend it sitting on Ryan's floor helping dry off Dottie's paws that were wet from the snow. It was some time past midnight, and Jon had finally gotten around to talking about the excuse that had brought him to Ryan's house in the first place; the person who would be moving into Ryan's house.

Ryan had decided that the top floor would be his, of course it would be, the middle floor would be no man's land, and the basement would belong to whoever this person was. Ryan had been completely clueless about what had been happening for the past three months, and had no idea when Jon had gotten his fantastic idea, but he explained it to Ryan in greater detail due to Ryan's confusion.

Ryan's house was his, but he made his money off of books and articles and things he wrote, and he hadn't been selling anything for a while, which did make sense. Ryan was, in a way, at this point, pretty damn broke. He did have a book published, something that he was actually rather proud of, but it hadn't really been selling that well for a while and it was really the only income he had left. Jon had decided that having another person in Ryan's house would help him get back into the swing of things, and make him realize that he needed a fucking job so he could keep his house.  Maybe Ryan would even take to the person living in his basement and start, really, being alive again.

Although he didn't show it, partly because he didn't know how, Ryan was grateful that Jon was doing this. He wasn't really good at expressing his emotions, or hadn't really been good at expressing them since he hadn't properly had to for three months, but he tried by just telling Jon "thank you." He had used to be okay with things like talking to people, although not the most social person, Ryan did enjoy the company of other people, and was wondering what these months of solitude had done to him. Jon shutting the door at a louder volume than the rest of Ryan's muted evening alarmed Ryan, causing him to jump and half-land on Dottie's paw, which caused her to yap at him, which caused him to fall to the ground, his hands rubbing her paw and his words asking for her forgiveness. Dottie gave him a look that said "it was a mistake, it's fine," but Ryan felt even more guilty about not treating his dog right.

So the sound of Jon shutting the door echoed in his mind and more guilt piled up in his mind because Ryan had felt a lot of emotions over those past few months but guilt was something new, guilt was something he hadn't felt since somewhere in the middle of September where he had convinced himself that everything was his fault, he was sure that he had done something wrong and he had wished that every single "I love you" that had been spoken under that roof had never been spoken at all and then he had fallen deeper into his depression.

Now he felt empty.

Sitting on the floor with Dottie, everything became overwhelming and he realized- he realized that his life had been ruined. Everything he had once loved, everything that he had felt passionate about, all of it had been taken away from him and there was nothing he could have done about it, there was nothing that could have prepared him for it but now he was considering if he could have done things differently, if maybe he could still be in love with someone who loved him back at that exact moment if he hadn't reacted like he had. He had let go of the idea of being anything at all anymore, and now responsibilities were hanging over him and he had to get himself in the right mindset again, but what if he couldn't? What if he never got over the brown haired, brown eyed boy who had changed his life so drastically? Ryan didn't sleep that night, instead he sat in the dark on the floor of his living room and over thought his life.