Ghost Towns In The Ocean ☀︎ Ryden

15 | be still

september 10th

- HEY there listen up school has started and my birthday was on thursday and i got to see It on opening night and it was amazing and now fall is coming up and i'm seeing the legendary washington nationals today (best baseball team in the whole damn world) and life is looking okay

so this song is called by still by the killers and i swear to god almost every story i write has something by the killers hanging around in there i fucking love the killers please go listen to the killers. please. 

━ be still, close your eyes, soon enough you'll be on your own, steady and straight. and if they drag you through the mud, it doesn't change what's in your blood

It was never going to stop raining. Not that Ryan had much of a problem with it but it made him feel quite useless to be sitting cross legged on his unmade bed, staring out the window at the relentless torrent. Without Dottie. Without anyone.

He wasn't going to sit there pitying himself because he had worked too hard on not being a childlike asshole but he didn't know what to do or how to fix it; it being absolutely everything.

And he sat, that same way, useless as ever, brown hair and brown eyes and pink lips and white skin but none of it really had to exist and it was so much harder to disappear when you had unapologetically ruined so much. God, so much.

Saying sorry was far too complicated. Ryan needn't waste his time. He felt the way he had in the days after William had broken it off. His world had sort of felt like a dream, with everything grey and soft and muted, like every object was just a cloud floating along in the sea of the sky and everyone was very busy but didn't exist all at once.

Ryan moved slowly across his bedroom, giving the door handle an odd look. Only three people had ever touched that handle from the inside. William and Ryan and Brendon but now two of the three of them had touched it in the wrong way, they had opened the door only to close it again on their way out. They had only opened it to close it right away.

Ryan was a poster child for hopelessness. It was obviously too late for William to come back and wipe his fingerprints from the handle and then Ryan's entire life, but it didn't have to be that way for Brendon. And it wasn't completely the end of the world but in Ryan's eyes nothing could ever be fixed ever again and there was no point to life and everything was an existential disaster and Earth was just Earth so it could be sucked into a black hole and undergo spaghettification and there could easily be six or eight days in a week or thirty hours in a day but there was no God and humans didn't control the earth, except they did, and, and-

Ryan opened his door.

None of his panic eased, though, and he peered around as if looking for Brendon to appear and make Ryan feel even more guilty, if that was possible. No one appeared. There was just Dottie, sat on the top of the staircase, staring Ryan down with a sad, disappointed look. It seemed she had just been waiting for him to show, because she promptly got up and moved down the stairs, as if giving Ryan a warning not to follow her.

Which he did, though not exactly, he eventually went downstairs because the guilt was eating away at him and the front door seemed real friendly so he ignored Dottie's wordless anger and disappeared outside.

Well, he wished that it was that easy to disappear. Maybe disappearing also involved walking downtown in the pouring rain to do a great deal of nothing because there was nothing in Ryan's mind that seemed fit to fix his problems. It was raining and it was raining hard. His skin was wet with droplets and his hair fell damp into his eyes. It was a damp sort of wet that soaked a little through to his soul (though it sounded a bit over exaggerated) and he would have so much rather felt soaked through and completely alive like he had in the lake with Brendon. He wanted to feel like he always felt with Brendon.