love » junhui

t o t h e g u y i l o v e d

why do you make it look so easy, to enter into my life and then leave again, as if nothing really happened? the day you left, made me wrathful and at the same time desolated. desolated because, i never, ever get to see you again. you told me that you want to pursue your dream of becoming an idol so i went with it, i let you go.

but it wasn't that easy, jun. i want to say no, but you had the spark in your eyes, telling me that you really wanted to. we had to face pointless arguments. shouting curses at each other, yelling irrelevant insults and childish bickering; at that night, we forgot about us, about how we loved and treasured each other; about love.

with the furniture lying incorrectly, the portrait of us on the floor, and my hair in a mess, you have had enough of it; of everything. you walked out of the door, completely shutting down all of the things we had; our bittersweet memories. you were enraged of everything that was happening to you. i too, was indignant of how childish and selfish we were but, something inside me felt different.

i cannot comprehend it but the more i think about it, i feel like as if my heart has been stabbed with tiny shards of glass and has been ripped into tiny pieces. my world went to nightfall of darkness. at first, i thought that i can manage everything on my own but the more i try to forget you, my brain keeps on reminding me of you.

you are my moon. the bright and beautiful moon on a blustery night that gives hope to people who are afraid of thunderstorms; the moon that guides many people when they think that the night is glum and dim. the moon that was the brightest of all, even if you merge all the stars at night, the moon would still shine the brightest.

no matter what i do, i still can't throw the old polaroid of us while smiling like we had no problems to face. how can i leave you too, if your face is stuck on my mind like a repulsive ketchup stain on a white shirt?

and your favorite cup? i still hung it on the kitchen counter, just in case you come back for it. i remember how you loved drinking hot chocolate during winter especially when i was the one who made it for you.

the sweater i stole from you is still peacefully lying on my bed. i wear it when i feel like collapsing because of missing you. you still had your scent on it, even though i washed it a few times already.

i am broken, disorganized and still in love. the wound inside keeps on getting bigger and bigger, deeper and deeper and it is still bleeding.

the memories of us are still fresh and vivid in color.

i want to hold you tight again like i used to. i want to be the one beside you, wrapped in thick blankets on the couch, on a winter day. i want to pepper your face with kisses again. let's go on a date inside the studio again. i want to feel your hand on mine, fingers intertwined. i want to see you smile again and feel my heart fluttering and the fireworks inside me igniting. i want you, jun. i want you and me again.

i wish i didn't tell you to go away and never come back again. because, here i am, crumbling down in my own melancholy and regret. it was like running into a brick wall, leaving me breathless and in need of air. i never meant any of the insults i threw at you, all the curses, everything.

now, everything has changed. but there is one thing that didn't change.

my feelings.

i don't know, but maybe you have changed a lot. the junhui now might not be the junhui i met and fell in love with three years ago. i don't even know how you would react when i walked up straight to you and said sorry. i'm not sure if you could even forgive me or stand seeing my face.

sorry, junhui. i was childish and selfish back then. but thank you also. you made me realize that we weren't in some fairytale. we were real. all the hardships and arguments we had; we weren't in a fairytale. it was proof that we were real.

maybe someday, destiny would let us meet on the right timing, and perhaps share subtle glances and start over again. until now, i wish you the best of luck for you and your band's international promotion.

-(first name)