Fixing Her ✅

23

I got up before Chris, my head was aching and my mind was racing, I regret telling him everything. I was at my point of weakness last night, I confessed and now he'll never love me

'We can always make another one' those words floated through my mind haunting my heart. He never said a word to me last night his grip only tightened every now and then on my side.

I placed my head in my hands, I felt like crap, my mind went to the razors and how that pain would make me feel better but I can't do that to Chris and I made a promise to Andrea but are they really worth it?.

I got up from the bed and went onto the balcony, we were on the second floor. I contemplated suicide so many times I've lost count. It must be amazing to feel nothing, to be numb. I know they'll miss me but after a while I'll be nothing but a faint memory, Andrea will move on being a mother, Alex will find someone great to love and have a few children and Chris will find someone better, right?.

I stared at the sky, the sun was blazing and the sky was clear. I felt the morning breeze hit my skin sending a shiver down my spine. Why did it have to me is a question I used to ask every day until Andrea came into my life and now I just feel like giving up, I took a deep breath and gripped onto the railing, I felt arms snake around my waist.

"What are you doing?" I sighed

"You want the truth?" I turned to face him, his hair was going in all directions and under his eyes were swollen, he was crying?

"You have no idea how may time I've thought about ending it all" he was taken back

"What?!, y-you can't do that, I won't let you"

" you don't understand Chris I'm burden to everyone, even myself. I force myself to get out of bed sometimes and other times I just want to never wake up and when I do wake up it's like it's left to me to make sure I don't wake up. I don't have a reason to breathe"

"Yes you do. Andrea, Alex and I we're the reasons for you to live we care about you even Angelo cares, the world is ugly Brie but to me you're beautiful, I don't care about how imperfect you think you are. I want you to know that I genuinely love you, every scar you have is a part of you, they may not be beautiful to look at but it shows me that you are strong and I admire that about you. Not every canvas is perfect" silence surrounded us words were nothing but words, I tired to walk away but Chris wouldn't let me he held both of my hands and went down on his knees

"Listen to Brie one day I will marry you, one day we'll have a few children and you'll be happy but before that happens you need to look towards the positive side of life. What happened to you is said and done, your father is not here, I am and I want to make it better. Promise me you'll try for me, for our future and most importantly yourself" I stared at Chris who had tears in his eyes, no man has ever cried for me before. I want to try but I don't know if I'm strong enough my will to live has been wavering ever since my mother died and I'll soon reach my end, do I really want to try to get better?. My eyes flickered down to Chris who mouthed please over and over again. My heart strings were being tugged over and over again but my mind was weak, but yet I still nodded

'Brie I need to tell you that I may not be here forever and I want you to know that life will be very hard, I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Your mother is dying baby and the doctors can't help all we can to is wait for the day I have to say goodbye to everyone. My beautiful baby I want you to be strong like your mommy, I fought everyday to see you grow up but I'm not strong enough. Live your life like I wanted you to and on the day of your wedding and at the birth of your future children I'll be there watching'

I knelt down and snugged into Chris' chest, I couldn't cry not after this but I wanted to. I've cried too much in my life, I've made too many people cry for me. Maybe it is time to make a change

"It won't be easy, I want to be with you but you have to let me find myself first Chris. I don't want to hurt you more than I already have in the process of finding myself"

"I'm not going to let you push me away Brie I've invested too much to just step back"

"I don't want you to do that, I just can't love someone if I don't know how to love myself, it won't feel real if I do. I'm saying let me love me then I can love you"

His eyes were filled with sorrow, I wiped the tears from his eyes and rested my forehead on his

"Try not to take too long, I can't be without you for very long without worrying"

"I'm not saying we can't talk to each other I'm just saying we need to take it a few steps back, I need to breathe and be alone for a while. I might go back to England instead of LA, I've had better memories there then I go face my past back in LA and if I need a shoulder to cry on I'll call you" I held his head in my hands

"What the hell have you done to me woman, I love you so much it hurts me that you're breaking up with me even though I know it's only for a while"

"Don't worry, when we meet next time it'll be different, I'll finally  be able to say I love you back without regret" his lips slowly met mind and my heart was now at easy

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Ello beautiful readers

I hope you enjoyed

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XO

K.A