Talking | Kian Lawley

Pt. 19 : youre breaking my heart

/ema\

After seeing lia I didn't know what to do or to think or anything. Why was she here?

"Can you let go of me please" I said to steve and he looked sad and let go of me. I turned around and saw lia with a half smile

"Why are you here?" I asked with sorta attitude

"It's a party ema. I'm here for the party- oh and your new little 'boyfriend' Kian"

Anger was all I felt, "you better stay away from him lia I'm serious"

"Boyfriend? You know what's funny, he's been telling people you guys are just friends? He hasn't even mentioned that you guys are dating or that you're his girlfriend" she said and laughed

"Well-"

"Well what ema? What else do you wanna lie about for attention? Oh I'm ema and I'm dating a big youtuber and his best friend Jc oh please attention I'm calling to you" she said trying to mock me

"Attention? I don't want attention. Aren't you the one that broke up with Jc because you thought he liked me? Or did you break up with him because you liked Kian?"

Lia got in my face, "you know if me and Kian ever did anything or hungout or texted like you guys probably do, at least he'd ask me to be his girlfriend and we'd be a couple. But unlike you two, he's embarrassed. Maybe he's just using you because he wants a girl like Andrea back. You know you actually sorta look like her too"

I didn't know why but tears started to form in my eyes. Did I really look like Andrea? Was that why he's been talking to me?

I stayed quiet not knowing what to say. I just looked at her with that smirk on her face. She walked away and I put my head down

Don't cry. Don't make a scene

Steve got in front of me, "sorry for hitting on you I didn't know you were dating someone or I mean liked someone else" I looked up and by his expression he was disappointed

"Steve-"

"If you didn't wanna go to the fair with me or anything you could of told me. You didn't have to lie to me twice."

"What do you mean twice steve I wasn't-"

"You lied about going somewhere you didn't wanna go, and you just lied to me about having a boyfriend. If you don't like me ema just tell me so I can get over you!"

More tears

"You're fired ema I'm sorry. Thanks for inviting me but I should leave"

My throat got dry. I looked around the room, I looked back at my boots. I zoned out and only heard my heartbeat beating. I felt it beating and it felt like it was gonna beat through my chest. I hated this feeling. Was everything lia said true?

I grabbed my water and threw it away after I finished it. I sat down with my leg bouncing really fast. I wasn't sure wether to cry and scream or to relax and act like the same way Kian was

I went on my phone and went on my notes. I typed my feelings down basically and wrote short poems about how I felt

Rose came over and sat across from me. "Hey!" I tried to yell across the small table we sat at

She couldn't hear me. She had a notepad and marker in her hand

She was writing something down and then she showed me, "what's up girl! Where's your lover boy?"

She gave me the notepad and the marker. I flipped the yellow paper with blue lines over and wrote down, "idk dancing I think"

I gave it back to her. Our writing conversation started to get deep and serious. We talking about, of course, Kian. I really didn't wanna talk about him. And every time she would ask me something about him, I'd get super down and my eyes would get watery again. It was worse when I actually cried when she asked, "don't you ever get tired? I mean you guys talking? He doesn't really post about you, only subtweets you. And most fans think it's about Andrea"

She gave me a sad face and asked what was wrong. So I wrote extra small and gave the notepad back to her

She looked up at me and had a sad face and pouted her lip. She wrote, "I hate to say this but she's not wrong" more tears came but I held them back from falling and she wrote more and this time, she wrote small also

"You know, you do make him happy I can just fucking see it. So does Sam but then he also tells people how single he is and how he's not seeing anyone. The only people that know about you two is me, sam, basically the people that was here before everyone else. So Kian's close friends. I don't know why he's keeping you a secret. It's weird how he hasn't asked you to be his girlfriend yet also. But I'm so so so sorry that she HAD to be the one to tell you what happened and so on. I hate how she just, dumped it all on you, you know?

After I read her note, I really didn't feel any better. And I know she said nice things, which was nice of her but it really didn't make me feel any better. It made me feel shitty, more shitty

I hated this feeling so much. I wrote back to her

"Do I look like her?"

"I don't see it ema to be honest. I think she said that to get you, more fucked up about him"

I nodded my head looking at her. She wrote more

"Why are you still at this party, if you're sad?"

"Where else am I gonna go?"

"Good point" we both laughed looking at each other. Rose was such a decent person, too bad when nice people try to make others feel better, the other person still feels bad

I decided I go look for Kian and tell him what lia said. I couldn't find Kian anywhere in the living room. I went back into the kitchen and didn't see him there either. I went in the back yard and wasn't there. I went up the stairs praying he wasn't making out with some girl in his bed. He wouldn't do that to me, would he?

As I went up the stairs I heard people arguing. "Would you open the fucking door!" A girl yelled and banged on the bathroom door. She was dressed as a cat

I was against the wall across from the door as if I was waiting for whoever in there to leave

Another girl with brown and some blonde in her hair also, opened the door. "Can you give us a fucking second!" She yelled back

"No Lindsay I can't give you a fucking second, let me in!" The other girl yelled and opened the door. The door was wide opened and there I saw Kian

He was looking down. There was a white line across the top of the toilet, and he had a couple dollars rolled up. He had it against his nose and at the end of the white line. After he went across the line he, rubbed his nose. He snorted coke

My heart broke