Talking | Kian Lawley

pt. 23 : miserable

/ema\

As I felt Jc's tongue glide against mine, tears and now this choking and this lumpy feeling in my throat was coming. I turned my head closing my eyes. His lips on my neck, I moaned lightly. Jc found my sweet spot and sucked on my neck leaving me a hickey. My hands were on his back going under his shirt lifting it up

Jc pulled away taking his shirt off over his head. I arched my back as he sat on top of me feeling his member. He grabbed my hands having them over my head holding them. Jc went down my body with his lips still holding my hands. I arch my back

Jc comes back up kissing my lips, I pull away and we look at each other. His eyebrows furrow and I just bite my lip unsure as to what, we were doing right now!

"What's wrong?" Jc asked still on top of me

I ran my hands through my hair, "this doesn't feel right." I finally say. Jc looks at me with a little hurt in his eyes but looks away

"Am I hurting you or something? Do you wanna be top or-"

"No Jc!"

Jc got off of me and sat down and I did also. We both sat cris-cross. "Jc I really don't wanna do this. I don't want us to be making out almost- about to have sex when I'm still hurt over Kian. It's not right or ok on my part. It seems like I'm using u just for some, love and attention because Kian can't give me that anymore" my eyes got watery and my voice started cracking

Jc's face said it all. 'She doesn't love me'. He has that worry in his eyes, but by his face it was all hurt. That made me more sad because I didn't mean for this to happen

"I'm sorry-" I started

"Don't apologize Emily, I'm honestly, in a better mood, that you told me. I'm sorry for making the first move. Why don't we try something. You can cry all you want about Kian, you can tell me how you feel truthfully and it stays between us. Unless you want me to say anything to Kian I will, but I want to at least know that you're ok before I walk out that door"

I smile looking at Jc and started talking, "I was good to him , I supported him, & fought for him. But go ahead, and go for someone who only cares that u're attractive. He broke my heart and I was the one that apologized. Im tired of apologizing for things I'm not sorry for. He's the first person I want to run to when I'm sad but he's the fucking reason why I'm sad and I can't run to him anymore. I wonder if he misses me like I miss him. Or at night when they're texting, does he think about my perfume scent that I left on his bed? Or does he lurk through my social media to see how I'm doing like I do? I wonder if his chest aches as much as mine does when all I want is him

I just need someone to show they care because fucking hell am I feeling so sad and alone right now. I wish my tears fell into the corners of my eyes from laughing so hard instead of forming puddles on the ground. I hate waking up in the morning and him not by my side. I hate knowing that he's out there with Lia or even texting her right now! I hate the fact that I'm saying all this. I mean I'm over here stressing over him when there's a day that goes by, and he doesn't think about me. He was my happiness . He was the one who always made me happy . Watch the boy I'm so deeply in love w go and love someone else? I don't want Lia kissing him where I used to. I- I don't want her finger tips tracing his back up and down like mine did. I don't want her to see him at 9am sitting in front of his mirror, fixing his hair and realize the little, cute, things I realized while looking at him. I don't want her to hear him rap or go on dates w him and never fail to witness his spill of water, all over the table because he's so god damn clumsy.

I don't want anyone to know him the way I do. That's my boy. That's my person. This is the worst thing ever. Yes I can be clingy and annoying but ain't nobody else gonna love kian as much as I love(d) him. I was so in love that my chest felt full instead of empty."

"Woah"