Talking | Kian Lawley

part 25 : stop crying (1)

/kian\

Jc was talking to me and he made a lot of great points. He was right about everything. He knew why I did the shit, I did! He knew how I felt, he knew what to say. He knew everything

Maybe it was because ema told him everything that she had known or maybe it was the fact that he really understood and felt my pain. Maybe both

Every time he'd speak all I could imagine was her face sitting down by the ocean in those cute little sun dresses that were a pretty mustard yellow color and her hair blowing in the wind. Her running towards the water and behind her was maybe a three or four year old running and screaming "mommy"

She picked him up and kissed his forehead. They were playing in the water. Than a little older guy was taking pictures of them. He had a baby who's just now walking holding his had. The baby was pointing and shouting towards the water. He held onto her hands tight and let her touch the water with her other hand and her toes digging into the sand

He picked her up and joined the mom and the boy. The man turned around hearing music playing in the distance. The man looked like me..

"Ima go and get her" I said cutting Jc off from speaking

He looked at me and smiled. I cleaned my tears and sniffled. I stood up and ran into my room. I grabbed my New York grey hoodie, my phone, and "other things". I slide my socks and shoes on. I went back down stairs seeing Jc. He had a goofy smile on his face. He was happy for me

I grabbed his keys from the couch and was out the door

••••

I was outside ema's apartment building. I took a deep breathe and stopped my car. I told myself now or never and unplugged my phone from the aux

I walked to her door and knocked. My palms were getting sweaty and I started bouncing my right foot up and down

The door unlocked and my eyes met with hers. She had heavy bags and eye boogers. She cleaned them with her index finger and looked up at me again

I started crying. Tears came down my face fast and my shoulders went up and down, I was sobbing. Ema pulled me inside and automatically hugged me tight. I hugged her back

"Shh Kian stop crying" I heard her say with her voice barley audible

I sniffled and tried to stop. I kept telling myself to stop crying. I knew I shouldn't of come. This was all bad

Ema pulled away and she grabbed my hand. I looked down at her and saw the way her body shifts. Her butt moving, her hands. I saw her scars. I saw her beautifully scars I haven't seen in awhile. Everything was the same. Her body still made me smile, her scars made me feel like I wasn't alone in a weird way, and her face. Even with dried tears, her face made me weak. Like I didn't need to see her naked, her face made me get a hard-on

I was shocked. We walked passed the bathroom that smelt like listerine and alcohol. Her room smelt like cigarets, and beer. In the beer bottles there were half smoked cigarets

I started getting a headache standing in here. She opened her window and grabbed a trash bag. She was throwing away her beer bottles and the cigs that were laying around.

"I'm sorry nothings clean, I wish you could of called first or something" she said nervously

My head hurt really bad not gonna lie. I felt dizzy, "Ima go wait in the living room ok?"

She gave me a weak small smile and I relaxed on her couch. A few minutes later ema came back and sat with her legs crossed

There was an awkward silence, "why did you come?" She asked playing with her fingers. Her fingernails have been bitten off, that was one of her bad habits and she hated herself for that because her nails never looked "pretty". With polish or without

"Jc talked to me and ema, I came to apologize to you. Things are rough without you"

Her eyes not leaving from her fingers, but she finally looked at me. Her eyes started getting watery.

"I'm not going to ask why'd you leave because I mean, if you told me the truth I would of understood. You know I'm an understanding person and you still couldn't do that. I thought we were suppose to be honest with each other, about everything. But Kian I never stopped loving you"

"I know that ema, I know you didn't. Even though I did everything that was possible, to push you away."

"Why did you push me away Kian? I couldn't handle you being gone. I hate the fact that you didn't even call. I hate the fact that you didn't try to see me. But I know I don't hate you at all. I don't trust words, I trust your actions and your actions-"

"They hurt you, you think I don't know that!" Tears were coming back

"Ema I didn't see you because it would hurt me way more to see you hurt. Did you not notice that when I saw you maybe an hour ago? When I saw you I tried everything to stop crying. I hate myself for hurting you because I cared more about you than I did about myself. I don't care about Lia, or Jc, or Andrea. You make me think life's actually worth living! You met me at a dark time and I'm forever fucking thankful for that because if I had never met you, I wouldn't be here right now" I put my hand over my eyes and felt the tears on my fingers

It stung but tears weren't suppose to sting, were they?

I looked up at ema, I saw three of her and I blinked hard and than saw one. Everything was blurry. A waterfall was pouring from my eyes

"I really needed you, and you weren't there.." ema was crying now

"What's the problem?" I snapped. Why couldn't she see me fighting?

"The problem is I don't think I can stop thinking about you"

"Take me back ema, I beg."