You, In Detroit

Chapter 6

Dear you, my friend

I have been calling you my friend, because recently I've felt like I don't have many, if not at all. I also feel like I've started my recent chapters talking about Fran, but honestly he has been the creativity for my writings and I just wanna thank him for being the asshole he is.

He recently put on his snap chat, "I tried to show love and I failed. I let you down, I'm sorry. I know you'll never forgive me, but I'm sorry" And that was all from memory because I have read it over and over and over again until it was lodged into my memory. I had my friend Monica ask him who he was talking about it just to make sure it was about me, and it was. He told her "I fucked up bad. and I hate myself already but ever since we've stopped talking and she stopped being my lil sis I've felt something missing." and it honestly broke my heart, shattered it into little tiny pieces. I wanted to ball myself up and throw myself into the Atlantic ocean with two hundred pounds weights tied to me. I have never felt so shitty. Fran is my everything. He is my brother, my best friend. My pretend boyfriend when guys become creeps, and he is the person who I always thought I could count on. Of course he was only doing it out of love and I didn't realize because I was too blindsided. I love Fran. But no relationship (friendship, brother/sis)is without trust. I just wish I could trust him.

I feel like I am suffocating. Currently a bunch of my friends are having serious problems that they need help with, and no I do not mind. I love my friends. They are my everything, and one of the only reasons I am still breathing. But I am not sure I can handle everybody coming at me all at once. 

Christmas is coming up in which I am happy for. I love Christmas. The music. The lights. States like New York or California have such pretty lights, and I get captured in them. I live in the middle of nowhere, and I have this huge hill. And when it snows it gets' covered in snow and it's beautiful. A bunch of trees are surrounding us, which would be perfect for a murder but besides the point, it is absolutely beautiful where I live when it snows. The hill is really steep, which makes it really easy to sled ride on which I love doing. I just hate the walk back up the hill, which completely sucks. I have not made a snowman in a couple years, the snow has not been the "correct" snow my grandpa calls it. Hopefully this year I will be able to. My uncle has the perfect snowballs ever also. I do not know how he does it, but they are perfectly round and packed, all around the same size. And his hits are hard, but he does not hit the younger kids hard. That would be mean. And my uncle Joe is not mean, no matter how many times I say he is.

I feel so broken, and shattered. I just feel like I am not like anybody else, which is true because you are different from everybody, and nobody is exactly like you. But you have those people who have the same personality as you, and they act like you and you want to do so much with them. But you can not find yourself in somebody else, so saying they have the same personality as you is wrong. You can not find yourself in somebody else, and that is exactly what every one with a broken heart tries to do.

Also New years is right around the corner, and I am scared my stomach will act up. I actually want to be able to eat something instead of taking a few bites of something and feeling sick.

My friend recently told me about this song called "Say you won't let go." by Arthur Games and I currently have it on repeat. His voice is just so beautiful and I love listening to him.

It is terribly upsetting that my Walmart does not have stuff animals. They only order in stuff animals for a holiday, which I am glad Christmas is in stock currently. They have snowmen, and Santa clause. They have teddy bears and other regular stuff animals you would buy your kids for Christmas. Maybe cuddling these stuff animals will be like cuddling him.

I am so drained from writing, because I have no motivation to write. I want to write but I do not know how to put my jumbled thoughts into words and that sucks because I have so many things in my head I would love to share yet I have no way in sharing them. I just want to write about everything ever, and I just never can.

I tell so many people that if they do not want to continue texting me, or being my friend I tell them to just say so. And so many people never so and it is so annoying. And it hurts so bad because I want to be their friend, but yet I feel like such a burden. If they continuously text you with one word answers, and you mostly always have to text first they do not really enjoy texting you. He only texts me when he gets bored, and because I am so gullible I continue to text him back. I just wish he would not text me at all, since he is only there when he is bored. He makes me want to scream and throw things and break plates and bowls. He just makes me so angry.

I constantly use pronouns like he or him, because I am not talking about one specific person, and I can not choose which one I hate more. Or if I hate either of them at all.

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