Daddy's Sweetheart Baby Lu (Hunhan)

His daddy, concerned

A/N: Hi guys...

So yes, I am here, surviving another day like the coward I am. But I guess you guys state that's a good thing...

I have you guys to thank.

I really, REALLY was going to end it but I realized that I shouldn't be selfish like that and hurt the ones I love, the ones who love me. I didn't feel so alone yesterday because of you guys and I'm not bullshitting. You guys helped me. All of you. And for that, I'm grateful.

I'm not saying I'll be making full recovery any time soon, probably won't in a long time but I'll never know what the future holds.

The fact that a lot of you cared about my well-being and not just the story made me feel like I wasn't so alone. My thoughts still get the best of me, I need to be distracted 100% of the time so the bad thoughts don't get to me (which is kind of hard when you lose interest in all that you love) and I've been pushing all of my friends away in the most terrible ways possible, insulting them and being rude but all I want to be is alone and locked inside my room.

I'm sorry, I just feel like venting. And it's so much easier to say it like this than face-to-face to someone. After all, you guys can just skip this if you're not interested so it makes me feel better than you are not forced to read this...

I don't find happiness in life anymore. I don't know when was the last time I truly felt at peace. And I haven't ever fallen as deep as this. I hated myself but I never thought about really committing suicide. The thoughts ran over my head a few times but I always shook it off. But this time, I feel so tempted to swallow all the pills and cutting my veins. I almost did tonight but I stopped myself.

I know you guys don't understand why I'm so unhappy. After all, I'm soon-to-be 15, life is short, there's nothing to be upset about...but...pain is pain.

I haven't eaten anything today but I feel like throwing up. I have a headache and all I want to do is cry. My friends, they care, but I keep telling myself that they're only pretending.

That everyone is only pretending.

I keep telling myself that I need to be happy but why is it so hard?

You all tell me I can count on you, but it's hard for me. I trust you all, I love you all, but I feel like a burden. I feel like I will burden you all with my problems. I feel like you guys will eventually get tired of me and toss me away...and it hurts to be tossed away because many, many people have before.

I sometimes think that I have the memories of another person because, really, it feels so surreal. It feels like I'm lying even if I am telling the truth. It feels like this pain is too much to be true.

I have you all, I only have you all. I love you all.

Thank you all so much for your support. Thank you for pushing me forward. And I don't know for how long I'll be able to carry this on, I don't know for how long I'll survive but I'll do my best.

For my family, friends, and for you all.

I'm not kidding when I say that you all are one of the main reasons why I'm here, breathing.

And I get very discouraged very easily. I need to be encouraged daily, reminded about what's important and about why I need to survive.

Much like a child.

And I do my best but it's hard to do it myself.

If I don't have someone making sure I am okay, then I think that no one cares. If I don't have someone knowing what I'm doing, what I'm thinking and stopping me, then I won't stop. If I don't have someone keeping me entertained and not giving up on me, then I will think I'm not worth it. If I don't have someone to talk to, then I bottle it up.