American Muslim

Faith

--------5--------

The Monster Inside

------------------

The hardest thing a Muslim has to face is not society, not the world, but his own imaan, his own faith. Allah will test every believer, every nonbeliever, for his faith. Even the greatest of Muslims can fall victim to the monster inside ourselves, that devours our spirituality and self-control enough so that we are weak to the devil's whispers.

I do not bring this up to make myself look higher than others, nor do I say these things because I am a better Muslim than you are. I say this because I am subject to the same temptations and trial. I say this because if not for Islam, then I surely would not be here. As a Muslim, my life will never be easy, but Allah does not give us hardships that we cannot take. Never will He give us a challenge that is too much for us to handle. If one can wholeheartedly believe that, emotional depression can never seize you wholly. But when your imaan is low, sometimes it's hard to remember that. A lack of spirituality only draws the evil ever so closer to you. I say this from experience.

There are times when I thought "Allah, kill me now. I'm going to Hell anyway." They were times I'd cry at how terrible my life was, how wonderful it would be to just end all my suffering and how life had no purpose for me. As I think back on this now, I am horrified at my own thoughts. I do not wish to die in a state of such self-inflicted torment, nor do I wish to go to Hell. I fell prey to the darkness and I wish that no other believers ever reach it as I once did. If it were not for Islam, the religion I was born into, I am sure my parents would have mourned the loss of their daughter, wondering where they had gone wrong.

Oftentimes, secular ideals sway our minds; the kuffar (disblievers) tell you that the only way to be content is to put your soul and passions into nonreligious things like music, work, education, and friends. Yet none of those solutions have eased suffering or stopped some of the most prominent names from killing themselves. And if we as Muslims do that, our Imaan will be washed away like chalk on the sidewalk. Drizzles of rain might not take it out completely, but a torrential downpour can take us away from our Lord within one night. To salvage yourself from the wreck of society and its ills, you must start with yourself and your relationship with Allah. Contentment with life lies not with what this world makes of us, but what you make of yourself. This world is not the end. It is only our beginning into the next.

I can remember the time when my older brother asked me if I woke up for fajr namaaz (dawn prayer) every day and I sheepishly told him, "If I wake up." He did not reprimand me for my actions, but only said, "If you go to sleep every night with a heartfelt prayer to Allah to wake up, you would." Since then, before bed, I say, "Allah please wake me up so I can do fajr namaaz." And Allah grants me this prayer (whether or not the devil claims me that morning is a separate issue).

So do not be afraid of your faith. Believe in it, be patient with it, and it will grow. Everyone is born ignorant of Islam but believer nonetheless. Your determination to erase your ignorance is what Allah wants to see. Be accountable for your mistakes and sins. A believer is a sinner who humbles himself, who does not deny error, rather changes through repentance or change in character or both. Let your imaan prosper and become a part of you that you cannot bear to live without. Because someone with faith cannot be destroyed, only returned. And insha'Allah, I too, with have that imaan of gold. Ameen.