Sex Addicts Anonymous

Apple Pie

"What's your problem? Why you walking around stomping and shit?"

She sucked her teeth and stomped past me out of the kitchen. Then she stomped back in, rolled her eyes at me and then stomped back out. I laughed to myself and pulled the strawberry cheesecake that my mom made out of the fridge. I knew what her attitude was for but I wasn't about to be fucking with that.

As soon as I put my slice of cheesecake on my saucer she came stomping back into the kitchen. She looked at me and then glared at my saucer.

"Sooooo," she sang, "your ass can eat cheesecake but you ain't done even looked at the fucking apple pie you asked me to bake? I thought you wasn't hungry!" she fussed with her hand on her hip.

She had her ghetto girl stance going and I really didn't want to have this conversation but I didn't have any type of choice in the matter.

"Babe," I laughed taking a bite of my cheesecake. "I'ma get to it! You just made it yesterday!"

"Right and ya' momma just made that cheesecake yesterday too but a third of it is missing and you didn't even ask for cheesecake," she yelled. "There is one slice missing from the apple pie and that's because I had to fucking taste it!"

I loved her but she was petty as fuck when she wanted to be and today she obviously wanted to be.

"What's wrong Babe?" I had placed my saucer on the kitchen table and was walking towards her. Her face softened and her body relaxed as I grabbed her by her hips and pulled her body to mine. "This attitude of yours is turning me on a lil' bit. What's up?" I leaned down to kiss her but she snatched her head back, catching me off guard.

"Don't think so!"

"Come on na'! For real?!"

"Yup! You ain't fucking me up until you fuck up some of that damn pie Mr. Levenstein!"

"Who the fuck is he?!" I asked confused.

"Look him up," she smiled walking away, throwing a peace sign above her head.

I waved her off and walked back to my cheesecake. A nigga gotta eat some pie to get some pie! Kinda fuck shit is that?! I don't be like you gotta suck some dick to fuck some dick! I'on want no damn apple pie right now I want some cheesecake! I asked for pie but this cheesecake good though. She ain't even tried it. She know I like strawberries. Ol' petty ass!

As soon as I finished my cheesecake I put my saucer in the sink and made my way to the bedroom. She was stretched across the bed with that fake silk ass thing on her head that all females be wearing. Her cami was rolled up exposing her waist and her shorts had started to creep up showing the bottom of her ass.

I licked my lips and slid in the bed behind her, kissing her shoulder. She gently nudged me but I acted like I didn't get the hint and kissed her shoulder again before rolling her over to face me. I tried kissing her plump lips but she turned her head.

"Un-unh!"

"Babe, what the fuck is the problem?!"

"For one, your breath smells like cream cheese which kinda makes any other point less important so...that is all" she said as she rolled back over and continued watching reruns of Black Ink.

"You gone act like this for the rest of the weekend?"

"I'ma act like this until half of that fucking apple pie has been eaten by the goofy ass nigga that asked me to bake it!"

"Babe, I'ma eat it! I promise! Damn!"

"You betta' or I'm keeping my pussy to myself until Christmas!"

She wasn't playing either. I remember last year when she wouldn't give me no pussy for two whole months because I said some bitch had a fat ass. That wasn't what set her off though. When we got closer to the chick we realized it was my ex! She blew her fucking lid screaming I knew who she was when I said it! Honestly I had no clue, but all that mattered was she thought I knew, so I was in a pussy drought for 60 damn days!

For the rest of the day she stomped around the house, rolling her eyes, snapping her neck, cussing and curving every attempt I made tryna get her to open her legs. Later that night she got out the shower, walked in the room butt-ass naked, water dripping off her curves and then went back in the bathroom. When she came back out she was still butt-ass naked but now her body was glistening from the coconut oil. She was playing hardball.

After another failed attempt at getting some pie I went and hopped my ass in the shower and stroked one out. I strolled in the room, butt-ass naked, chest poked out, dick poked out to find her ass already knocked out! Not only that but now she had on a bra and some pajama pants!

Fuck it! I headed straight to the kitchen...butt-ass naked. Can't do this shit no more! I'll eat a slice and put a slice in the disposal! She won't ever know! My breath'll smell like apples so I'll be good! I'm getting some pussy tonight though!

I opened the fridge and looked at the cheesecake. I sighed and grabbed the apple pie instead. My original plan was to cut a couple of slices but I grabbed a fork and walked towards the kitchen table instead. If I would've had more light than the bullshit yellow light from above the stove then I might've seen her dogs chew toy in the middle of the floor.

Sqquueeaakkkkk!

"FUCK!!!"

Thud!

Tia came running into the kitchen with a baseball bat and that dumb ass Dalmatian right behind her. She quickly cut the light on and although she looked upside down because I was laying on my back there was no mistaking the grin on her face. The grin that quickly turned to uncontrollable laughter.

There was apple pie all over my chest and crotch area!

"Move! Fucking mutt!" I yelled sitting up.

"C'mere, girl," she called out still laughing. I was wiping pie off my chest and flinging it onto the floor. "I didn't literally mean for you to American Pie my apple pie!" she said and burst out into laughter again.

"Fuck you!" I said, standing up still flinging pie pieces onto the floor.

She snickered, pointing, "Got some pie in your pubes there Jim."

"Who the fuck is Jim?! Who the fuck is Mr.Levenstein?! Stop calling me these other niggas names 'fore I start tearing up shit!" I spat, picking pie crust off of my nuts.

"Nigga, please!" she was still fucking giggling. "O-m-g! I literally just made the American Pie reference. Jim was the idiot that fucked the pie! Mr.Levenstein was his dad!"

She was staring at me as if to say 'Get it now?' I stared back.

"I hate you." I said calmly and she burst into laughter again as I walked past her and that damn dog.

"Awww, don't be mad honey," she laughed again.

"No dick 'til Christmas!," I yelled slamming the bathroom door.