the next step au's

nothing without you ( jiley )

just like always, this is based on a the weeknd song, so check it out if you want to (its from his new album ayye)

james dug his cold hands deeper into the pockets of his winter jacket. the snow was slowly falling, it was getting darker with each minute, and people were minding to get home as fast as possible to spend their evenings with their families, their friends, whoever they wanted to spend their new years eve.

he was invited to two parties, one hosted by his mother, whom he hasn't seen ever since he moved out a few months ago, after the huge fight they had; the other one was hosted by some friend of eldon, who invited basically everyone he ever met. at least that was james' suggestion, as he hasn't met that kid maybe a handful of times, and there would have normally been no indications as to why else he would invite him.

he declined both invitations.

now he was walking through the snowy streets of toronto, just walking, with no real purpose. it wasn't that he was such a fan of walking, but he couldn't bare it at home anymore. it was just too quiet, too lonely, it let him easily drift into some thoughts he wanted desperately to get rid of.

his headphones were in his ears, blasting the weeknds newest album on full volume. he tried whatever it was in his power to get rid of the thoughts of her.

just three months prior everything seemed to be going okay. more than okay actually, everything was perfect.

riley just moved in with him, they started to get used to live together, not in the bad way as to get bored of each other, but everything seemed so awkward at first, thing started to untense. they got used to the feeling of constantly being together, and if anything, it made james love her even more.

with each second they spent together, everything they did together, every word she heard her say, every laughter of hers, he loved her even more, if that was humanly possible.

then things started happening. 

james' jealousy got the best of him, he wasn't going to lie. he hated the fact that at her new job, she would spend more time with that dude, he didn't even bother to remember his name, than she was spending with him. james knew it was wrong to be mad at her for this, and give her a hard time for it, after all it was none of her fault, and james was the one who encouraged her to go after her dream of being a journalist.

he wanted her happy, he really did, but he didn't know how to make his jealousy stop, he had no idea how to turn it off.

and riley normally laughed it off, called him a dumbass for even thinking that she would settle for anyone else but him, and then it happened.

one evening when riley was in the shower, washing her hair, dyeing, whatever she was doing in there for almost two hours, there was a knock on the door. james went to open it, and there it was. the smug face of that guy who got to spend hours and hours with riley, god knows what he was thinking.

james knew men, he was one himself after all, he knew what kind of pigs men were. he knew that sometimes they didn't think with their heads, when there was a beautiful woman in front of them, spending so much time with them, there was a tendency of them forgetting what was right and what was wrong.

he knew that.

it maybe also did not help that this guy seemed to exactly know what james was afraid of. he could see it in his face, he could see that he was basically laughing in his face.

it probably didn't help either that james was drunk, insanely drunk, that night, he wasn't sure how much he had been drinking, or if he even stopped drinking for the past few days, he only remembered that he felt extremely dizzy, he only knew that it must have been a lot he had been drinking, because he couldn't stand still for a long time.

james didn't remember the conversation he had with that guy, he doesn't remember anything he said, he only remembers how he felt his opponents knuckles on his jaw, and how he spit out blood on the carpet in the living room after the guy was gone.

that was after james hit him himself too, except that james didn't stop. he didn't know if he would have stopped if riley wouldn't have stepped out of the bathroom, and yelled at him, pulled him back.

thankfully, his opponent wasn't too gone as to take a cab and get home. he didn't call the police, he didn't report anything to the cops, but james wasn't sure if that was worth it.

riley broke up with him, only a few days later, and has been living in her sisters apartment ever since, who was in egypt currently, and let her sister crash at her place until she found something for herself.

his vision was blurry, the blood stain on the white carpet still visible, even after james has been cleaning it up for the last couple of hours constantly. it didn't seem to disappear, if anything the stain just got bigger and bigger. he was sitting next to the couch, a bottle of whiskey in his hands, almost empty. he took a huge gulp of it, emptying the glass bottle, before he threw it a few feet away from him, suprised that the bottle did not break. he leaned his head back onto the couch, closing his eyes.

james shook his head. he needed to get that memory out of his head. if anything, this was the darkest time of his life. he wasn't sure how much he drank, and how long he stayed in that apartment, how long it took for his boss to fire him, all he knew is that on the morning he went back to work, they shooed him off, making it clear that no one wanted to see him there ever again. 

he wasn't sure, but he couldn't shake the feeling that the weird dream he had that week, about him going piss drunk to work, was not a dream after all. but it sure did feel like one.

james felt like he had no control over not only his life anymore, but also his body. he would feel like someone else, something else, was controlling him, whenever he made a move. not even walking felt real right now.

he stopped, noticing that he was near to where riley was living now. he could easily go to her, tell her that he would try to become a better person for her, stop drinking, stop being jealous, just stop everything that hurt her.

he would do anything for her, anything in his power to make her happy.

the tension in his chest grew. he wanted to scream, he wanted to hit something, anything. he wanted to feel like he was still alive, he wanted to stop the feeling of being intoxicated constantly, but as soon as he would start to sober up only a tiny bit, the shredding pain in his chest would grow. at least like this it was still bearable. at least he could forget for a few hours a day.

he picked up his pace, running back into the direction he came from. back home.

he couldn't go see riley. not today, not on new years eve. not even tomorrow. probably never again. 

james knew the only way he could ensure that she was happy was if she wouldn't have to deal with him anymore. the only was she could be happy was if he was out of her life, even if that meant that he wouldn't be happy, probably never again. 

but he was alright with that. only if it meant that she would be happy.