Inside My Head At 3am

What I Wish I Could Tell You

This is a real experience that I'm currently going through.

You came into my life and instantly, I knew I wanted to know you. You were friendly and funny and so easy to talk to. You were the kind of person people wanted to be friends with. I liked you, and many people knew it, but I didn't tell anyone who knew you. You became a little distant, for reasons that have yet to be discovered, but somehow I grew more intrigued. At the end of that year, a dear friend of ours told me she liked you as more than a friend and I couldn't stomach the idea of hurting her feelings by saying I liked you first.

The next year, we were in the same class together again and I was truly excited. The idea of seeing you every day made my life seem brighter. One night, our friend texted me in dire need of help. She wanted to talk to you, but couldn't muster up the courage. I asked her for your number and texted you, only saying that she needed to talk to you. After that night, we never really texted until one Thursday afternoon. It was the beginning of a four day weekend and we had started a debate at lunch. You texted me that you thought I was right, and continued our very personal conversation. The more we talked, the more I realized that I was in too deep to deny my feelings. You were so nice, and when I said I thought it was cute when guys get all flustered, you regretfully informed me that you didn't get nervous (because of your swim team suit's lack of fabric). I knew that wasn't true because you were treading so carefully and using words you didn't normally use. You were so obviously embarrassed because of your responses. You didn't want to be the only one asking questions. You felt like you were bothering me, and it was adorable. No one had ever made me feel the way you did.

Our conversation escalated, and you asked me who I liked. I gave you a hypothetical answer, but you didn't take the hint. I never gave you a straight answer, only told you that you were oblivious and my answer wasn't actually hypothetical at all. I liked you. You started to tell me how wonderful you thought I was, and how you could've sworn that your heart had just stopped beating. I threatened you with infertility if you were screwing with me, but you assured me you weren't in a strange, yet somehow flattering way. I felt bad because you were being so poetic and I was fumbling, struggling to find words that made sense when strung together.

The next day, we texted on and off for most of the day. The best part had to have been when you couldn't find the "flippy thingy" so you just used your hand and almost burned your fingers off.

The rest of the weekend, you told me how badly you wanted to see me, how much you wished you could hold me in your arms. I melted because I felt the same way, and had for so long.

Monday night. I usually like Mondays, but this Monday does not bring back fond memories. You texted me late at night asking if I realized that you had a girlfriend. Those words crushed me more than you could imagine. Yes, I realized that you had a girlfriend, I just wished that maybe I was worth more than a few late-night conversations to you. Apparently, I wished for too much.

You told me that I might have a chance if you ever broke up with her. I couldn't even understand where that came from. Where did you go? Where did the nice, funny, easy to talk to guy go? Because this surely wasn't him. This was a guy who had control over people's feelings and knew it. That single sentence made me so mad for two reasons: if I were your girlfriend, and you said that to someone else, I wouldn't be your girlfriend anymore; but even more than that, I was your second choice.

To some, this might not seem like a big deal, but to me it meant everything. I was your second choice, and you had no problem telling me. It was as if you had slapped me in the face telling me I wasn't good enough for you, even after all you had said the previous nights. I liked you, but now suddenly I didn't want to anymore. But I couldn't. I couldn't stop liking you, no matter how hard I tried.

The next day, you ignored me at school. Overnight, you went from wishing I was wrapped in your arms to not even acknowledging my existence. That stung. You hurt me, and I hated myself for letting that happen. I opened up to you, and you ate it all up and spat it right back in my face. I felt violated because of the things you told me you thought about. I hated the fact that you imagined me in your intimate fantasies. I hated that I couldn't control the way people looked at me. I hated that you looked at me as a sexual object, and I couldn't do anything about it. And yet still, I was only second best.

For a week, you didn't talk to me. The next Monday night, you texted me saying that you didn't like the awkward tension between us. I was angry. You could've talked to me, it really wouldn't have been that hard to do. I didn't want to talk to you. Not until you texted me that night, with your charm levels turned up to the maximum. You promised you wouldn't ignore me anymore.

Now here we are, more than a month later, and the only time you've ever really said anything to me was when you asked me to move over so that your friend could sit next to you at lunch.

Tonight, you texted me saying how lost you are in life and you feel like you're growing up too fast and you're not even very good at anything. I said you're good at a few things, and you replied that you were good at being a dumbass. When I said that I couldn't disagree with you, you thought I was joking. You continued on about how scared you are of having to take responsibility for your actions and how you just want to freeze time. I asked what was wrong because even though I'm extremely upset with you, I'm a somewhat decent human being. You said it was a long story and didn't feel like telling it. That was the end of that.

Right when I was feeling better. Right when I wasn't thinking about you anymore. Right when I had found someone who I think actually likes me, and respects my feelings. That's when you decide to make your presence known again. That's when you decide to come back and tear everything apart. That's when you decide to make me second guess myself.

Guess what? I refuse to be anybody's second choice. I refuse to be your friend, but only when you need me. I refuse to be seen as an object that you can toy with. I refuse to be seen as anything less than a human being.

I tried to make myself hate you, but I can't because you're not a terrible person. Really, I'm the one who I should be upset with. I allowed you to say these things about me and affect me the way you did.

Yes, Steffen, you are a dumbass, but so am I.

If you are the girl who likes him (you'll know who you are), please just know that I'm so sorry for not telling you. I don't want to hurt your feelings. You are far more important to me that he'll ever be. Please remember that.