Inside My Head At 3am

The Cupcake ("What I Wish I Could Tell You" Part 3)

February 16, 2017

Yesterday was the day we were grouped together in PE. Yesterday was the day you wormed your way back in again. Yesterday was the day I started to think that there was more to you than the asshole I knew you to be.

Today, I brought cupcakes. I made some at home, and there were too many for just my family to eat. The first two cupcakes were given away in Civics, second period. The third was given to my best friend at lunch. I brought the Tupperware container of cupcakes to me to lunch so I wouldn't get in trouble for having open food in the halls.

You weren't sitting in your normal spot right next to me when I got there. After a few minutes, an administrator announced that everyone sitting at the wrong table would be given an after-school detention. In fear of losing your post-school day freedom, you moved back. When you sat down, I was working on a science project- illustrating the six different forms of energy.

At first, you kept to yourself, but then you saw the cupcakes. When you saw the cupcakes, you asked for one. Anyone who has read the first two parts of this story would know how I feel about you at the moment, and could probably tell you exactly what my answer to your absurd request would be. But much to my own surprise, I stood my ground.

I said no. I told you no. I didn't give you that cupcake.

This may seem ridiculous to anyone else, but to me, it meant everything. I didn't give in. You couldn't persuade me to change my answer, but not for lack of trying. You did the best you could to annoy me to the point where I would give in just to make it stop. I didn't give in. You asked over and over and over again, but I didn't give in. I stood my ground, and I sure as hell didn't give you that cupcake.

The fact that you kept pushing bothered me. If you wouldn't give up on something as small as a cupcake, what else would you push?

As I look back on today's events, one thought is clouding my mind: what would happen if we were together? Would you push more important things? You were not entitled to that cupcake, and you are not entitled to me. The more I think about it, the happier I am that I stood my ground on that cupcake.

You didn't stop at lunch, either. When I arrived back at the gym for advisory, you were already there, talking with your little group of friends. When you stopped talking to them and saw me, you asked for a cupcake. I told you no once again, and went to sit against the far wall of the gym, which is covered in a poor excuse for padding, to watch a teacher vs. student basketball game and listen to music.

Somehow, during advisory, I started reading. I don't know when, and afterwards, I didn't even remember making a conscious effort to read rather than watch the game. Unfortunately, reading occupied my full attention. I didn't realize anything was wrong until I was already down the hall on my way to fifth period. There were only four cupcakes in the container. I started the day with eight, gave away two in second period, and one at lunch. Theoretically, that would leave me with five cupcakes. If that was the case, why did I only have four?

I don't know when, but at some point during advisory, I think you stole a cupcake. This idea just takes the pushiness issue to a whole new level. I'm not sure if you took it or not, but if you did, it would just make me more disappointed in you. Even after I said no over and over and over again, you still took my cupcake.

Now my mind is going back to what I was thinking earlier: what if it weren't just a cupcake? What if you pushed me into doing something I really didn't want to do? What if you pushed me into disregarding my own morals and boundaries for your benefit? What if, even if I stood my ground, you would do it anyway? The thought is absolutely terrifying.

I guess these thoughts are my subconscious telling me not to trust you. Is that really a decision for my subconscious to make? Would it be better if I actually thought about it and weighed the pros and cons?

I hate that I can't stop thinking about you, Steffen, but whether it's good or bad, you have that effect on me.