On my mind || Phan au

~Daydreams~

The busy atmosphere proceeds to haunt me, as everyone has a purpose and knows what they are doing with their day, their week, their life. Everyone seems to know where they are going to end up and floats through life the way it 'should be', rather than taking adventures and changing their life completely. I don't know where I'm going to end up, where I'll finish my part in the world, whether it will matter to anyone, I can't imagine it will ever matter or have any importance to anyone in the future, but I carry on.

Nothing has happened since I left home, but it was the best decision I could make at the time, but now the worst. I live in London now, alone. Without goals or purpose I let the waves of society take me wherever it wants to take me, and I don't mind. I'm just another person in the crowds of London.

As I stroll through the streets of London, a group of college students proceed to bellow at me, letting my self esteem decrease that little bit further.
"Die emo scum"
"Go kill yourself"
"Gay lord"

But to be honest, I'm used to it, everyone in my life has treated me like shit and it's not like I care one bit anymore. I'm used to being ignored and made fun of at school years ago, being left to eat alone, being made fun of in the changing rooms for gym practice, being different makes your life hell am I right? It's just one of those things you have to live with and ignore, but learning to ignore it is hard. Then having to go home to my dad passed out on the sofa with an empty bottle of vodka, or me having to comfort him when he thinks of mum. The one person who cared about me and looked after had to go, the cruelty of who's life is next to end depresses me, I could die tomorrow, in a weeks time, only time will tell my future.

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My alarm rings from my iPhone as I slip out of my perfect dream, where I was happy, with a man I love, with a nice house, a nice community, adopting kids and having a family dog. That's one thing I'd love to be a part of, a family.

I finally slip out of my beautiful trance into my monochrome bedroom, without anyone by my side. I stare at myself through the mirror in front of me, asking why I'm like this, why I don't have a life like that, and find the answer. I pushed everyone away from me, when I'm sad I push people away, and don't speak to them anymore. That's the problem.

I put on my Calvin Kleins, black skinny jeans and black eclipse t-shirt. I go into the kitchen and pour myself some milk and cereal and proceed to sit on my cheap black sofa and watch 'Yuri on ice' my favourite anime.

I decide to wander the centre of London once again, and decide to sit in Starbucks for a while, I order my Caramel Macchiato and sit down in the corner seat with the nice view. The whistling wind and rustle of the golden leaves waving off the trees calms me, slips me back into my dream of a care free life, with ease and relaxation. A man with all the colours you can imagine his eyes approaches me, his smile is like a ray of sunshine passing through a thunderstorm brightening up everyone's mood whoever he passes, he's so relaxed yet he is thinking so much in his head, positive thoughts only seem to be in his mind and he shows that with his creative fashion sense, fading into his back skinny jeans and jet black hair with a fringe going to the left. He sits opposite me, and whispers to me.

"Everything is going to be okay. No matter what happens it's going to be fine. You may think it now but your life has to change, that's another part of life, take risks, defy expectations and don't hold yourself from making others happy and others making you happy, and don't ever end your life in a bad way where you haven't lived, you will die, but now your life it free,  take pride in what is sure to die."

I blink and reach out to him but he is gone, the light that brightened the sad coffee shop gone, in an instant. I wish he was real, whoever he is, I wish he was real. He seemed so relaxed and kind hearted to everyone, yet so anxious he isn't good enough even though he made everyone's day better, but the best things are always taken away, without warning they're gone forever. But i need to move on.

I gulp the last drops of my macchiato, stand up and go home, proud of myself that I've had the confidence to go out today rather than just stay inside. I begin to lose myself in my thoughts, thinking of that perfect guy that I 'saw'. The doctor has already said that most people that I keep seeing aren't real, just my imagination, and that I need to start a hobby, or socialise more to stop it. But I need these fantasies, it's what keeps me going, it's what motivates me, I know it can't be good for me because it's like watching a film and loving a character, but it's what I do to make myself happy. And if there was someone real who cared about me maybe I would be happier, and take care of myself. But there isn't anyone in my life, so how?

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