On my mind || Phan au

~Reality~

'I love you bear' a man with a beautiful shine of kindness said seductively to me after he notices I made pancakes and maple syrup for his breakfast, I knew he'd enjoy it. I give him a big hug before tucking into our delicious meal. I wish everyday could be like this, I thought. I wish I could stay with him  forever, away from everything, but I can't, I'm dreaming to much, thinking of ridiculous things about crap that isn't real and never will be. Once we had finished our pancakes, the sunshine boy says he has to go now. Forever. He left the room, and was pulled away by darkness and despair, a big black cloud of abuse and disappointment took him away, his bright and happy glow, gone.

It was horrible. That dream was the worst, I constantly have dreams about him, well, nightmares,when he is hurt and taken away by sadness and misery only to suffer on his own with no help. I know that I don't get help either, but when it is people I care about it worries me that people are hurt. The warm glow from him has changed me. He has taught me that, whether I have purpose in the world, I have to make people happy, whether they mean a lot to me or whether I've just met them on the street, no one deserves to be unhappy. Even if I am, it shouldn't make me stop others being depressed and miserable.

-

As I pour milk into my cereal, I get a text from one of my old friends, Brendon, from college. We hardly ever speak apart from birthdays and new year, and we have been meaning to see each other. However, I am dreading it, he's bringing his wife Sara, that in itself says it all. He's happy, and content with starting a family and all that stuff. I wish I could, but it's pretty hard to start a family when you've escaped from your own.

He says he's also bringing his friend Tyler, with his girlfriend Jenna, who seem pretty cool as Tyler started a band, and they are close to releasing their first album , i bet they're awesome. And on the end he just said also his friend Phil. That's weird, Phil hasn't got anyone to come with what so ever. Never mind, I guess I'll have someone to speak with if it gets awkward.

I don't really know what to wear, do I want to give them the impression that I'm comfortable, so I can just wear jeans and a hoodie, or do I want to look like I've actually made an effort to see them and meet them. I don't know, let's make an effort.

I traipse down my haunting flight of stairs, after getting ready, wearing my worn out black jeans, basic grey shirt and black jacket, not forgetting my back leather zip shoes. I slip in my earphones listening to muse, and begin to trek to Starbucks to meet my friends. I hate coming out to London, I get so jealous of people who are happy and have have a please tell and enjoyable relationship. I guess it's about making an effort, and that's what I've done today.

I finally enter the coffee shop to meet them, and as I'm searching round for them I see Brendon stand up with a massive grin on his face, his best feature, reaching his arms out to give me a big manly hug, he knew I needed it. He introduces me to Sara, Tyler and Jenna and they seem so nice, but Phil hasn't arrived yet, he seems so mysterious they haven't said anything about him. We talk about everything, careers, family friends, relationships. Even though I don't have much to add to the discussion it was so nice meeting with them.

After an hour of catching up with everyone, Phil finally shows up, an hour late, and I realise as he walks through the door, after holding it open for several people, it's him. The glowing boy from my daydreams, that kept me going when I needed someone there for me, even though he wasn't really there. His cute smirk mesmerises me and I find myself drifting away from the conversation. Brendon stands up and waves at him over so our table, when Phil accidentally trips on a stroller next to someone's table, making an absolute fool of himself,but it's so cute.
"Hey guys! Sorry about that, you know what I'm like." And the glow about him makes it feel like nothing happened.
"Phil, to be honest we knew it was coming we know you too well. Also this is my college best friend, Dan. You too should get along well, I thought he should tag along we haven't met In ages." Phil gives me the sweetest smile after Brendon announces that, he just seems like the loveliest person.
"Anyway,can we forget about what just happened, that woman look like she was about to murder me after nearly killing their baby with coffee on their table, oops. Also sorry I'm late, there was loads of traffic and the taxis were all booked, but at least I'm here now!" Phil slips in the seat next to me, and for the next hour we have our own separate conversation, while I stare into his eyes with an ocean of colour and beauty within them, why is he so perfect. We talk about music, films, and we realise that we live about 10 minutes away from each other, so we agree to walk back together instead of getting a taxi home.