On my mind || Phan au

~Confess~

*TRIGGER WARNING : SELF HARM AND MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION, READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION PLEASE!!!*

I wake up after a deep, calming sleep. No sweat or stress to wake up to, and no nightmares to ruin my day. I sit up and stretch, waking up just before my alarm set for 6:30. Work.

I start getting ready, putting the blanket I used to sleep in back in the cupboard, sorting out the sofa to make it presentable. I venture upstairs to get changed and get ready for work, I walk into the bathroom, splashing my face with cold water, then brushing my teeth. I make sure I'm not too loud so I don't wake up Phil while he is asleep, so I shut the door calmly.

I finish up in the bathroom, and walk up to my room. I wonder if Phil is awake, and I assume not as it is 6:45, and he hasn't had much sleep recently, so he would have had a long, deep sleep, as did I. I don't bother knocking, and quietly turn the handle to my bedroom door so I don't wake him up.

"DAN! what are you doing??"

"Oh shit!! Sorry!" I had walked in on him undressed and getting ready.  Why didn't I fucking knock?? Blinking heck that wasn't awkward. I mentally face palm and go back downstairs so I can make breakfast while I wait for Phil to come downstairs so I can get ready.

I finish making my coffee and making my crumpets, to see Phil wander into the kitchen, seeking out cereal.

"Sorry about that Phil, I thought you were asleep" I chuckle about it after I apologise, surely he found it funny.

"It's fine, just be a bit careful next time."

Really? I thought he would have found the humour in the situation? It's not like I stared at him while he was getting dressed, it happened in less than five seconds. I just feel like there was something I wasn't supposed to see, I mean it could've been him in his boxers but he wouldnt react like that. I really don't know.

I walk past him, ignoring his last statement and go into my room to get changed, but I hear him shout my name and call after me.

"Dan wait! There's nothing in there!"

"What are you on about I'm going to get ready as I do have work?" That's an obvious sign there's something in there. I start running up the stairs again. He's hiding something.

"Sorry Dan, I thought.. it doesn't matter."

"Well now I'm looking for what you are hiding, there's obviously something Phil."

I open my bedroom door, Phil looking worried and nervous. I need to find what he is hiding, what could it possible be? I search round my room, checking under the well made covers, cushions, and in my bedside drawers, nothing unusual. Then I check the ensuite next to my bedroom, nothing in plain sight. I search the cupboards in there, throwing all of my products onto the floor. And I see it. A razor blade. He must have hidden it at the back of the cupboard so I wouldn't notice it.  

I look around and notice a spot of blood on the marble flooring, he must have forgotten to clean that bit up.

"Phil.. why didn't you tell me?" I feel my eyes start to fill up again as I see his eyes go dark blue once again, but in shame. I drop the blade and and hold my face on my hands and I collapse onto the toilet seat, sobbing to myself. Why did he do this? I thought he told me everything? I feel Phil's hand rest onto my back.

"Dan I'm so sorry, I couldn't say it. I can't apologise enough, I'm sorry, I couldn't help it"

I can hear his breath is uneasy as he speaks, I look up to him, lifting my clammy hands off of my damp face, and see he is just as upset as me, which worries me even more.

"Phil, it's okay.. j just make sure you don't do it again, promise??" I look up at him again, and he looks unsure again.

"Fine, I'll try."

I stand up and go back into my room, getting my work uniform that consists of a black suite with a black tie, and black shirt. Suits everything else I wear.  I walk into the bathroom downstairs and get changed in there, so no more awkward  encounters occur.

Once I'm changed, I walk back up to my bedroom. Walking in to Phil staring at the carpet, sat on my bed. I sit next to him and rest my head in his shoulder, and put my arm around him.

"Dan you do know, I am sorry."

"Phil stop apologising, you don't need to, its happened, what's done is done, we ant do much about it." I lift myself up looking sideways at him. I see him look down, plying with his sweater sleeves. I put my hands around his wrists and he flinches back, repelling my touch.

"Please, let me see" he finally gives in, looking up at be in regret. I carefully lift up his sleeve, revealing the slashes and hatred upon his soft and sweet skin. They leave depression and sadness, anxiety even. How could he be so upset to what to do this to himself?

"Phil.. how could you do this to yourself" I ask calmly, not to intimidate him.

"It started.. well.. after the hospital." He broke down into tears, I pulled his sleeves back down and hugged him again. "Dan I'm sorry, I'm so stupid"

"No Phil, I'm sorry." I stood up, wiping my eyes and arranging my tie ready to go. I put my work shoes on, grabbed my phone, my keys and my wallet and stuffed them into my back pocket. I opened my bedroom door, starting to walk back, but looking back at Phil.
.
"Phil, you can't stay here. If I do this to you, we cant see each other, it's dangerous for us both. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to leave by the time I get back from work, I can't hurt you, I cant live with that, and you can't either. "

"Dan no please, we can work with this" he stands up pleading for me to stay and for him to stay.

"I can't see you hurt like this, it's my fault, we can't be friends if I upset you to the point you do stupid things like this."

"You can't do this. You can't just leave and expect this all to disappear, we have to help each other"

"Phil come on. You know it doesn't work like that, we can't do this, it just ends in chaos. Cant you see where I'm coming from?" I start walking down the stairs towards the door.

"Dan just give me a chance"

"Please don't do this."

"Don't do this to me Dan. The reason I did this is because you left me, how is leaving me again going to help??"

"For fuck sake Phil, don't you get it? All I do is ruin people's lives, you're better off leaving. I'd leave now if I was you, get me out of your life, you don't deserve to mbe hurt again" I keep walking to the door, getting my keys and unlocking the door.

"Give me a chance, if you really cared you would. I.. I have no where else to go, please"

And I did care, I didn't know what to say, h was right. I stopped and pulled my keys out of the unlock door, as I stare at the rug at the entrance of the apartment. Maybe I should give him another chance. I couldn't just kick him out, no way. He wouldn't have anywhere to live.

"Fine, you can stay, but if anything happens where I upset you or if I'm hurting you, then you can't be friends with me."

I open my from door and step outside, leaving Phil inside. I gave him a spare key in the kitchen so I lock it behind me. I feel like I'm going to regret this choice I have made today. What if he hurts himself again?? Or if I hurt him again?? I wouldn't be able to live with him, or even myself. I'm going to have to trust us both.