On my mind || Phan au

~I'm Not Okay~

I can see him again. Phil, he's trying to reach me and get my attention, I try to ignore him but his cries keep my concentration on him and his now sad and black eyes filled with shadows, the opposite of the calm waves of his blue eyes before. He cries my name once again, and I grab his hand.

I wake up shivering with sweat pouring down my forehead. I could feel dry tears sticking to my cheeks, I must have been crying. I had a nightmare about Phil again, I tried not to think about him, but I realised he was all that was on my mind after what happened yesterday.

All I could think of was me driving away from him in tears outside the hospital. I don't know why he even did that, he barely even knows me. He must have been in shock like I was from the recent events. I'm unsure what Phil feels at the moment, and if I'm being honest, I was really stupid yesterday. It wasn't his fault, how was he to know about my dad? How could I be such a fucking idiot about this.

I go on my phone while listening to muse with my speakers in my apartment living room, scrolling through twitter checking out what my friends have done recently. I come to realisation I have work tomorrow morning , having to get up and go to work in a BMW showroom and garage just annoys me, I have never enjoyed it there but it pays the bills, so what more could I want out of it?

I spend the whole day scrolling through tumblr and listening to music, I decide to take a shower. I turned the dial on the shower, spraying a waterfall of hot water and when I get in, after stripping off my pyjamas from the night before, I feel instantly relaxed, but I feel myself thinking of Phil again. I need to see him again, I need to apologise. What if he's really upset? What if he never sees me again? I really do love him, he's been with me for longer than I can remember, in my dreams that is. I can't lose him. No way.

I turn the shower of dry my abused body and shake my hair around with a towel to dry the water off it. I come to realisation, Phil gave me his number at the café when we met. I run up to my room and search the pockets, I find tube tickets receipts, and finally. Phil's number.

I quickly dial the number into my phone and call him. I need to speak with him. The number dials, and I wait, I seemed like hours that I was waiting for him to pick up, but after a while the dials stopped I could here is voice after weeks.

"Hi! I can't reach this call at the moment, I will ring you back as soon as possible. Thank you!"

It was just his answer phone message,  I'm so disappointed. What if he's still upset? It's all my fucking fault. I need to see him, I text him to see if he's being social in any ways. But what do I say? How do i start the message?

I end up writing about 5 drafts of different messages and finally pick one, I send it quickly so isn't change my choice for the 100th time.

Me: hey, it's Dan, I rang you earlier but you didn't answer. We need to talk, please?? :)

I am eager for his response, is stare at the lock screen of my phone waiting for a notification from his number, but I will end up waiting quite a long time.

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It gets to about 10:30pm and I am still waiting for Phil's reply from earlier this morning. I reassure myself by thinking that he has probably had a busy day, maybe gone out with his friends, had a family meal, anything.

As I contemplate sending him another message, which is the worst idea, I hear a knock at the door outside my apartment. Who could it be at this time? What the hell?

I run down the stairs, I don't want to keep anyone waiting out there in the rain, it's horrible weather as usual in London. I use my key and twist the lock on my door and pull it open to reveal someone with a small back packed, looking down, in shame as it seems. They are wearing a space like coat to shelter from the rain, with black jeans and white Vans. They seem so placid, no movement still staring at the ground beneath them.

"Umm.. excuse me? I think you have the wrong house, I don't think I know you, do I??" I ask as I stare at them, shivering in the cold.

They look up at me with red puffy eyes, but still showing a familiar ocean like pattern. I realise who it is when they place their fury hood down calmly to reveal a raven fringe contrasting with their vampire pale skin, it's Phil

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A/n sorry for slow updates AGAIN. I should be uploading a lot more soon as I have Easter Holidays soon, where I will be off school for two weeks which is a relief! I think I'm going to update another chapter tonight lollll. Thanks for all your support guys, love you all!!!