The Fear That Haunts Me

CHAPTER 2

JAS Hook

"What's wrong, Sergeant? Everything okay?" I asked.

His countenance changed, answering with insolence. He pushed my arm away, trying to negotiate his way from the passenger seat.

Opening the door, he fell onto the wet sand and dirt. Again, Keegan rushed over, and I lept from the truck. We grabbed him by the armpits and put him back into the pickup.

I got into the driver's seat as Keegs locked and slammed the passenger door shut. I leaned across Staff Sergeant Beck, and, this time, I buckled him.

I revved the engine with hopes of warming up the cabin. But, unfortunately, the winds were getting harsher, and the spitting turned to intermittent rainfall.

Keegs shouted from across the truck as I cracked the driverside window.

"Maybe we should just take him to Cohan's. He'll know what to do with him. He can sleep it off there."

Beck may have been annihilated, but he wasn't deaf. First, he grabbed my elbow and cupped my chin. Then, pulling me to face him, he let go and gave me the middle finger. His smile told me that the finger should have been a thumbs-up instead.

"My story is over, Kelly. She's gonna let me burn up and watch me cry, Kelly. That's why I need to go to Neverland."

I put the Chevy pickup into drive. The windshield wipers did nothing but smear the dirt. And with the rain starting and stopping, it was near impossible to see.

Keegs waved me by as I pulled into the roadway towards Cohan's. Staff Sergeant Beck sobbed and covered his face with his hand. I hurried the best I could, Keegan passing and leading with overheads on.

"She left me, Kelly, took the kids," he said. "Haven't seen them in two days. She says she's not coming back until I leave the house—filing a restraining order against me. I did nothing wrong! Why is she lying? Why is she doing this to me?"

I had no words of comfort for him and had never seen him like this. All the years on this job, and all the men I had seen cry. And they all asked the same question, why? I was so numb to it that I was stoic. It was a wall built up to protect me from their pain. Yet this was far too personal, too close.

"But where do you live mostly now?" he said. "With the lost boys. Who are they? They are the ones, if not claimed in seven days, they are sent far away to the Neverland."

He smiled and looked down as if caught in a memory. He swayed in the passenger seat. His half smile and droopy eyelids were breaking my heart.

We pulled into the parking lot of Cohan's, himself waiting. This was a cop bar, as Irish as possible, and Cohan was our caretaker. He was a better shrink, ear, or counselor than the stiffs H.Q. would assign.

Sergeant Beck stumbled out of the truck cab before I brought it to a stop. He stumbled forward and crashed shoulder-first onto the hard, unforgiving pavement. I stopped the rusted Chevy and leaped out to help him.

Keegs ran over as Cohan took hold of Staff Sergeant Beck's hand. Together the three of us stood him up, Cohan brushing him off.

Both Keegs and I winced when the smell hit us. Staff Sergeant Beck released his bowels as the stains showed through the back of his jeans.

As the rain fell more consistently, and the accident descended on Beck's leg, I wanted to flea. I was feeling abnormal anxiety that I hadn't felt in fifteen years. I don't know if it was the smell are dampness from the impending storm, but something triggered me.

Beck was oblivious to what was happening as he broke into song.

"Farewell and adieu unto you, ladies of Spain; For we have received orders to sail to old England, but we hope in a short time to see you again."

"What did you lads do to him?" said Cohan. His voice had a thick Irish brogue.

Cohan shushed Beck and patted him on the back. Then as Sergeant Beck gathered himself, the tears stopped, and he placed his hand on the back of the neck. His touch was gentle, like a father to a son. His voice was steady, stern, and passionately sincere.

"There is one thing that every boy who serves under me has to promise, and so must you," he said.

"Whatever you need, Sergeant," I said.

"It is this: if we meet Hook in an open fight, you must leave him to me."

He disappeared through the back door, leaving us in the parking lot, exhausted, upset, praying these feelings would abate. The sound of Keegs' spit hitting the ground resounded as he looked at me and shook his head.

"Told you this was a shit storm."

He held out his pouch as I dipped in. I noticed my hands were trembling, and I was sweating. My heart throbbed with fear. The easterly winds brought the memory of a distant land. A land that no longer existed, purposely lost in my mind. Keegan noticed something wrong. I had fear in my eyes, the sweat now chilling me to the bone.

"Wait a minute," he said. "Isn't today the Marine Corp's birthday?"

I jammed my fists into my pockets. My hands shook, and my heart raced from the thoughts of loss and pain. Without knowing, Keegs asked the perfect question that made my anxiety spike.

"What's wrong, Kelly?" he said. "I freaking told you we shouldn't have answered that call. This shit is going sideways, and you know it."

"Yeah, well," I said. I spit a stream of tobacco juice onto the pavement. "SITFU!"

"What?" he asked.

"SITFU, Keegs. Suck it the frig up. I've seen this shit before, and it never ends well."

We were wet, and I was emotionally spent. We got back in the car, cranked the heat, and went back on patrol. I let him drive, and we were silent for the next quarter hour. Then, finally, he spoke and asked a straightforward question - that I couldn't help but answer.

"Where?"

"Afghanistan," I said. My voice cracked. I thought about the promise Sergeant Beck made me abide by.

Captain Hook, I whispered.

"My team leader," I said. "Staff Sergeant Michael Theodore, we called him Theo."

We stopped at the red light, Keegs spitting into the cup. "Yeah, you've said some stuff about him a few times. You guys got into trouble or something, right?"

"Yep," I said. My voice cracked again. I cleared my throat and took the cup from his hand. "Over a girl, always a girl."

The light turned green, and Keegs returned his attention to the road.

"And it was a freaking mess," I said.