Aubrey (Axis Rising)

034:

         

******034:

Rafe and I sat on the patio, alone for the first time in days. We'd finished discussing Abbie and Jeremy still eating our food, and using our fridge, and when we could possibly kick them out. If she stayed being our nanny, it might be close to a year-- or more. Ahhhhh!

We were still discussing Chris and her poison dart words from the days before. She'd called Rafe today with much the same messages. Leave Lance alone, don't encourage him to date women. He was gay, always gay, no choice in the matter, and no choice in how he perceived himself. He had to-- according to her-- act on his homosexuality. Or what?

Die?

Gees, no other alternatives to happiness in this life? Nothing else as important as sex?

"Well, Aubrey, sex is pretty important." Rafe said casually, lying on his own lounge chair, kicked back staring at the stars (airplanes and satellites).

"I agree. It is. But you don't have to have sex in order to live."

He hesitated. "That's debatable."

"Rafe-- biologically---."

"I'm not talking biologically, that's obvious, Aubrey. But mentally, I think it does something weird to people who deny themselves of this basic human function. Sex isn't just to propagate the species."

Now I hesitated. Biologically it was.

"Let me assure you, Aubrey, there is a lot more to human function than just procreation. Even though obviously we are experts at that side of it. The question remains, why do we keep on doing it even though we know our work is done?" He adjusted himself in his shorts, and I noticed, of course. Talk like this-- um hm hm.

"It satisfies a need." But I said this with some inflexion at the end, as if I wasn't quite sure that was the right answer. I wanted to stubbornly believe that celibacy could be satisfying.

He shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest. "It creates closeness, and fidelity. It creates loyalty and the desire for men to protect their women, or perhaps their partners, whoever that may be. It brings two people together and solidifies that very basic of human needs to be loved, to be cherished, to be connected."

I knew that, or at least I thought I did. Having never had sex until Rafe, I had never known the absence of it. It went from virginity-- self-induced till age twenty-nine, to marriage. No question about it the things Rafe had taught me, the things we did together had an element of closeness attached that couldn't be denied. I would never cheat on Rafe, but something about the closeness of our sexuality, did hold us together so that I didn't desire others. And he didn't either, he'd told me that.

"Before you I had plenty of sex, as we both know. But until you I'd never felt the absolute surety of trust and love and fidelity. It just plain isn't describable to one who has never experienced it. And I'm here to tell you that has nothing to do with the sex itself. It has everything to do with you. The sex is the cherry on top of our connection, but make no mistake, I will always want you, I can't imagine myself living without you, or the thought of coming home to you, and sharing your body."

He reached out and waggled his fingers to hold my hand, and when our fingers were laced, he drew them to his lips and kissed them fervently. "That probably wasn't as good of a description as I could have done given a little more time."

"It was beautiful, Rafe, and honestly, I think I am beginning to understand."

"I would hope you feel the same about me."