The Forgotten Past

Chapter 13

Grace

It feels as if it was just seconds ago when I sat down into the car when I'm already stepping out of it. I can't seem to get my thoughts together. New questions and thoughts just keep popping up. I don't know what to think, I'm so afraid of everything and I hate that feeling. I don't want to be that person who is afraid of everything in life. If everything could go back to the way it was, just forget everything and live as if it all never happened.
But that's impossible. I have to deal with this and I will. We will.
I don't understand how Blake's holding it together, he is so strong. He even wants to help me. Why would he want to help me? God I feel so horrible for what my father has done. How can Blake not hate me? How is that human?
We both step out of the car in the parking lot and close the doors. As we walk towards the entrance I can feel my heart beating faster and faster. From the corner of my eye I see Blake looking at me with concern but I don't turn my head to look at him. I can do this. I have to do this.
I begin to walk a bit faster and I just as I am about to walk onto the small stairs that lead to the entrance I feel Blake's hand grip my arm which automatically stops my body from moving.
I turn around to look at him and I find him staring right into my eyes. "Grace, remember you are not doing this alone. I'm here, with you. Please know that before you walk in there.''
Blake eyes are burning into mine with fear and anger. But he is right. I am shutting him out. I close my eyes to fight back the tears. No, I won't cry.
When I open my eyes up again I see him reach up and brush the tip of his index finger underneath my eye. Damn tears. But his hand feels so good against my skin. His warm, soft, strong and I just want them to stay there-
The sound of the front door shutting behind me snaps me back into the reality. I quickly turn around to the door, avoiding Blake's gaze even though I know he wants me to look at him for comfort. But me being stubborn, I don't do so and head straight into the building.
Walking inside I immediately head for the counter and ask for my father. The man behind is wearing a police uniform and looks up with his eyes at me without moving his head. His eyebrows cover the half of his eyes and they have the 'I would rather be at home and watching Netflix' look in them. He looks back into his computer without saying a word and the anxious feeling takes over in my body. God, I don't like this place already.
Blake is standing beside me with, from what I see, a lot more confidence. "We would like to speak to him,'' says Blake. The man looks up at him and mumbles, "so, you are family of Mr. Kaywen huh? He said a young lady may come looking for him. But who are you then?'' The officer says while looking at Blake. "I'm a family friend, '' Blake replies with a calm voice.
Family friend...well, okay that's a total lie. I keep my eyes on the officer and looks back down into his computer. He picks up the phone and makes a call about my father having visitors.
I keep my eyes on him and so does Blake. I keep my posture straight but I can feel the unease hanging in the air. After a few moments, he stands up from behind the counter. "Follow me please,'' he says to us.
We walk through tree set of doors for which he has to use a key card. As Blake and I walk behind the officer I feel his hand grip mine and give it a little squeeze. The anxiousness in my body lessens a bit just be the feel of his hand in mine. I see him looking at me from the corner of my eye but I keep my eyes fixed on the pad. I exhale deeply and relax my shoulders a little. When we finally stop at a door and I feel Blake's hand squeeze mine before it falls away. Fear still fills my body but he gives me courage. With him I can do this.
The officer opens up the door and gestures us inside. It's regular sized room with no windows, just light gray colored walls. There is only one table with four chairs.
Right away I see my father sitting in a chair on the other side of the table. Shivers run through my body and my hearth pick up its speed just as I see him sitting there like that.
His gaze fixed on the table in front of him. He looks almost emotionless sitting there like that. From what I can tell his own clothes are gone and are replaced by a plane black shirt and black pants. The door is shut behind us and I go sit down on one of the chairs slowly.
When I and Blake are both sitting dad finally looks at me. His eyes shift between me and Blake and finally end up on me. I can tell from the bags under his eyes that he definitely hasn't been getting allot of sleep lately. He looks worn out. God this is worse than I expected it to be. I don't know what to say to him.
"Dad, why?'' I say and it's all I manage to say with a quiet voice. He looks at me with his eyes full of pain and sadness.
God, they used to be filled with happiness and joy. Sometimes he could get really angry at me and I was so afraid of him then. He used to yell at me but I also remember him playing with me and being the best father in the world.
"I'm so sorry. You have no idea how much I regret everything that I have done,'' he says and at last he looks at Blake. He is sitting right next to me with his arms folded in his lap although I can see that his hands are formed tightly into fists. He keeps his face strong and I see that his jaw is tightly shut. He clearly doesn't like being here, but he's here for me and I am so thankful for that.
"How is Ava, where is she?'' Dad asks while his expression changes to a worried one.
"She is okay, we dropped her of at Blake's house with his grandmother. I haven't told her anything yet, I- I can't." I say while looking directly into my father's eyes. He cares so much about Ava and wants her to be safe and okay. But I can't keep Ava in the dark forever, she has the right to know.
"Dad what will happen now?''
"Gracie," there is a long pause as he exhales a long breath while saying my name. It almost sounds different and foreign hearing him say my name, I can't seem to understand why. "I will go to prison for what I have done. That's my fate and I know it.'' He speaks with a soft voice and I wonder how he can keep so calm in this situation. How is he so accepting of it?
The door behind me opens and a man steps inside this room. I look behind me and see that it's a different man from the one that lead us here.
He walks toward the table and lays a folder onto it without saying a word. I look at him with a questioned look but I don't think he noticed so he just walks out and shut the door behind him.
I look over at dad and he speaks to me, "it's information about me and what will happen further on.''
My breath is caught in my throat and I feel the anxiousness rise. I want to look into the file so badly but on the other hand I want to rip it apart and get away from here as fast as possible.
It feels like it's so close yet so far away. With a shaking hand I reach for the folder and pull in toward me. My eyes stay focused on it but I can see that Blake expression has changed, I can even feel it. But I can't put my finger on it what kind of feeling it is.
I inhale deeply and open up the folder.
All kinds of information is written in here. It's almost too much.

Name: James Kaywen
....
Age: 45
....
Accused of: murder (3)
....

I stare blankly at the piece of paper in front of me. Murder. My father is a murderer.
Oh God. That hits me harder than I expected it. The thought was in the back of my mind but seeing it written down here triggers a complete different feeling. My whole body is shaking but I won't back out now. I can do this.
I read everything once more and something different caches my eye.
3.
Why is there a three written next to-
Then it hits me.
Murder of three people.
No, no that can't be it. Or can it?
That's impossible- he- he wouldn't do that to-
My stomach tightens in a knot and I think I am going to be sick. All the fear comes back into my body and I can't hold it back.
I suddenly feel Blake's hand on my arm and I burst awake.
The expression on his face says it all: he saw it too. The three written next to the word murder.
Tears begin to build up in the corners of my eyes but I don't let them out. I won't.
I look over at dad prepared to ask for an explanation but he is already speaking and I don't have to say anything.
"One week after the car accident I came home late. I remember being drunk and Allie- your mom was trying to get me to bed but I didn't want to. God I could barely walk but I refused to let her help me." His eyes are focused on the table in front of us and his eyes are wide as if he's reliving everything right this moment. "I don't even know how it started," his head is shaking from side to side and his eyes are clenched shut, "but we had a fight and- and it didn't end up pretty. The one thing I will never forget is the fear in her eyes. She left with her car to go to her friend or something but her car- she- she drove off of a bridge. It's my fault that she died. She never should have been in that car and I will never forgive myself for that," his voice trails off while teat fill the corners of his eyes.
In all sudden this room feels way too small. It's like my head is going to burst from all the information but at the same time it feels like nothing is in there.
My mind is blank.
I can't seem to speak. I can't think straight. I just stare at the man in front of me.
The pain finds its way into my body slowly and then it hits me so hard. Hell. That's what it feels like. Your own personal hell inside your own body.
My heart beat speeds up in matter of seconds and the room begins to feel way to small.
I stand up as fast as I can and speed out of the room while my head hurts like hell.
My legs are running, taking me I don't know where and I suddenly find myself standing outside as the cold autumn breeze hits me.
I close my eyes and try to think.
I don't want to believe.
My father is the reason my mom is dead. He killed her.
My breathing speeds up even more and my mouth is so dry. My lungs aren't getting enough air I can't seem to control it.
No, no, no. Please don't let this be the true, please. My body is giving slowly I can't do anything about it.
I suddenly feel a warm palm fall onto my hand. I turn around and see that it's Blake.
Breathe. Grace, breathe.
I see him speak the words yet I don't hear them right away.
God Blake. What must he be going through? How can he keep so strong?
His hand pulls me toward him and I fall into his chest. I feel his other arm pull me against him while I keep my eyes closed. I feel tears come up in them and I let them fall, I can't hold them back anymore.
"Shhh Grace don't cry, please. It will all be okay,'' I hear Blake speak and then feel his lips on the top of my head while I hold onto his body tightly.
More tears come and again Blake is the one that's there for me.