Today is the day I have to let go of my father.
Jamie and Jai are downstairs already in their suits and just can't find the strength within me to put my dress on.
He's really gone, somehow I still had hope. That it was just a prank to scare me. Its now march fifth, my appointment is in ten days and I have no idea how I will muster up the energy to go.
Jamie is trying to be strong for me, poor kid. He only has me now, and soon I'll be gone too. I feel horrible inside knowing that he could possibly be blaming himself for them leaving us.
I'm angry too, how could they?! Both the same way, both the same reason... fear.
Well you know what?! I'm scared too, I'm dying, my baby might not live, and soon I'll have to leave Jai.
And that's terrifying. But I'm not leaving, I'm not being a coward and running.
So to prove that, because I know they will he watching, I get up, put on my make up and my dress and walk downstairs.
My heart skips a beat when I see him, standing in his suit. He's here, for me, and yes not going to run, or be a coward when he gets scared. He's going to be here until the end. And I love him all the more for it, jai.... my true love.
* * * * * * *
She stops as she reaches the bottom of the stairs, and I struggle to breath for a brief moment.
She's amazing, so strong and I admire her. She hasn't been herself since dad....jumped.
She's angry, I can see it in her eyes. But she doesn't feel abandoned, like most would. Because she has me, and I will never let her feel alone.
She hates that they both left her, when she needed them most. But I'm going to make sure I never cause her that pain. That no matter what I am here, for her to feel she doesn't have to keep up the facade of the strong, wonderful woman holding everything together.
As we step inside the limo to head to dads funeral, she finally speaks.
"Don't let go"
She's not holding me, or trying to... but I know there is a double meaning to her words.
As the ceremony goes on, all I can think of, is the body inside that coffin.
When Sarah is asked to say something, she looks to me. Doesn't say anything, but her eyes speak a thousand words her mouth could not.
So i stood up, and walked over to the coffin.
"We are here today, not to mourn the loss of this wonderful, amazing father, brother, widow and college. But to celebrated the life he lived, for nothing but his friend and family. Gabe never did anything he didn't want to, apart from shopping..."
Everyone let's out a light laugh.
"He was devoted to his family, when Angela left... he did everything he could to provide for Jamie and Sarah and I'm very greatful for that, he always told me to look after his little girl, and i swore I would. But now there is more meaning to my promise, I will honour his life by taking care of his family just the way he did."
Sarah is trying not to cry.
" Gabe was an eccentric, outgoing individual who had many friends. We will be holding a football match in his honour next week if you could all join us we would be very thankful."
I'm about to sit down when I see his picture above the coffin.
"We should not remember Gabe as he was when he died, but the way he was when he was alive, because that is what he would want. He wouldn't want us to mourn over this body, in this wooden box... because this is merely a body....a body without a soul..."
