A Minor Offense

Guilt and Anxiety

     When I made it to Desiree's room, I struggled to catch my breath but hardly payed any mind to it.  I was about to burst through the door when I stopped myself.  She could be sleeping, and it's just rude.  I slowly opened the door, cautiously stepping into the new room.  We locked eyes as I closed the door behind me with my foot.  Her large brown eyes had tears in them, her spanish skin somehow now pale and a tinkerbell bandanna wrapped around her head.

     "You didn't forget about me."  She whispered.  I rushed to the side of her bed, careful not to wake up her mother who was sleeping in the hospital chair.  Guilt pierced through every fiber of my being, making it hard to ignore the lump in my throat.

   "Desiree, baby, do not say that please.  I understand you feel that way, and I deserve it.  I've been busy which is not an excuse.  But you little girl, mean so much to me.  Got it?"  She smiled a toothy grin.

   "Got it."  Her hoarse voice whispered.  I kissed the top of her forehead and she giggled.  I looked at her mom, and noticed she was now awake watching us with tears streaming down her face and a big smile.

  "Go, go ahead get coffee, eat, shower, whatever you got to do.  I don't mind staying with her."  Desiree's mom bit her bottom lip, not wanting to leave but knowing she probably needed it.

  "Okay,"  She sighed giving in.  "We missed you.  We're so glad we have you."  Her mom got up, planting a kiss on Desiree's forehead and one on mine.  I smiled, fighting back tears and it was evident she was doing the same.

     She took one last look at her daughter and left.  I got up and went to the other side of the bed to sit in the chair her mother had occupied only moments before.  It was still warm.

   "Arielle?  Why do people go the hospital and still die?"   I began to choke on my own breath.  How do you explain that to a five year old?  A five year old that was dying.

    "Well the hospital does it's best.  Sometime's people are just ready to go, baby."

  "I think I'm almost ready to go.  My mommy and daddy don't want me to go.  You don't either."  Her eyelids were getting heavy, she was tired.  I tried not to sob at her words, so I swallowed all my sobs and began to run my hand up and down her arm.

  "That feels good."  She hummed. 

"Like this?"  I used my nails lightly.  "Or like this?"  I switched to using my fingertips.

  "Nails."  She hummed again, a smile on her face.  "I missed you Ari." 

"I missed you too."  I continued with the patern of stroking her arm, while I hummed lullabys, her breathing slowly becoming more even as she slipped into sleep.  Even after she was asleep, I continued to stay in the chair, humming and watching until her mother returned and practically had to push me out of the room because of how long I had been there.  Her mother honestly cared about me, the whole family did.

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I visted everyone else, just not nearly as long as I visited Desiree.  Mable's visit had me shook up too.  When I went in I sat in my usual spot, talking to her about my new job and apoligizing for not visiting in a while.  And while I talked to her I thought about how with every day that passes, the higher the chance of death.  What if this mysterious man that pays for her life suppourt suddenly decides she's a lost cause? 

    I wanted to meet this man, just so that I could assure myself that he wouldn't pull the plug, that she meant so much to me.  Obviously this man had money since she had been on life suppourt for so long.  I just needed her to wake up, I absolutley needed her to wakeup.

     Tom was doing great and so was Landen.  All though, Landen was back to being mute again, which troubled me because I really thought we had made an amazing break through.  He wrote on his white board that he didn't want me to tell anyone.  I didn't understand it.  

      As I got into my car I thought about illness.  Why do people like Desiree get sick?  Why can't the world be less destructive?  To me, it's the bad guys that should get sick.  But what's a world without pain?  A world without pain simply did not exist.  This fact made me feel sick to my stomach.  Men like my father lived in great opulence, so much money they could wipe their asses with one hundred dollar bills as their butlers make them a five course meal and dusted their office.  All though some did, rich men  like my father could donate so much to cancer research and other good causes.

   But they don't.  Rich people annoy the hell out of me, they don't understand what it's like to have to watch your mom scrape up the money to make rent.

  Mom.. Thinking of my mom got me to thinking about my first day at work tomorrow.  I was extremely nervous about meeting my boss and working in the same building as Micheal.  

   I huffed, trying not to speed to my house.  With all of the anxiety of everything going on it was hard not to slam on the gas so I can fling myself onto my bed.  

    Tomorrow was going to be a long day.

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